Nice day? Ah, but it will rain tomorrow.

by NobblySan

George Farthing, an expatriate British man living in America, who was recently diagnosed as clinically depressed, was dosed up on anti-depressants and scheduled for controversial electro-shock therapy when doctors realised he wasn’t depressed at all–only British.

Mr Farthing, a British man whose characteristic pessimism and gloomy perspective were interpreted as serious clinical depression, was led on a nightmare journey through the American psychiatric system.
Doctors described Farthing as suffering with Pervasive Negative Anticipation–a belief that everything will turn out for the worst, whether it’s trains arriving late, England’s chances at winning any international sports event or even his own prospects to get ahead in life and achieve his dreams.

“The satisfaction Mr Farthing seemed to get from his pessimism seemed particularly pathological,” reported the doctors.

“They put me on everything-Lithium, Prozac, St John’s Wort,” said Mr.
Farthing. “They even told me to sit in front of a big light for an hour a day or I’d become suicidal. I kept telling them this was all pointless and they said that it was exactly that sort of attitude that got me here in the first place.”
Running out of ideas, his doctors finally resorted to a course of “weapons-grade MDMA”, the only noticeable effect of which was six hours of speedy repetitions of the phrases “mustn’t grumble” and “not too bad, really”.
It was then that Mr Farthing was referred to a psychotherapist.

Suicidal?

Dr Isaac Harvey explored Mr Farthing’s family history and couldn’t believe his ears.”His story of a childhood growing up in a grey little town where it rained every day, treeless streets of identical houses and passionately backing a football team who never won, seemed to be typical depressive ideation or false memory. Mr Farthing had six months of therapy but seemed to mainly want to talk about the weather–how miserable and cold it was in winter, and later how difficult and hot it was in summer. I felt he wasn’t responding to therapy at all and so I recommended drastic action-namely ECT, or electro-shock therapy”.

“I was all strapped down on the table and they were about to put the rubber bit in my mouth when the psychiatric nurse picked up on my accent,” said Mr Farthing. “I remember her saying ‘Oh my God, I think we’re making a terrible mistake’.”
Nurse Alice Sheen was a big fan of British comedy, which gave her an understanding of the British psyche. “Classic comedy characters like Tony Hancock, Albert Steptoe and Frank Spencer are all hopeless cases with no chance of ever doing well or escaping their circumstances,” she explained to the baffled US medics. “That’s considered funny in Britain and is not seen as pathological at all.”

Identifying Mr Farthing as British changed his diagnosis from “clinical depression” to “rather quaint and charming” and he was immediately discharged from hospital, with a selection of brightly coloured leaflets and an “I love New York” T-shirt.

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19 Comments to “Nice day? Ah, but it will rain tomorrow.”

  1. So, they thought Mr. Farthing wasn’t a full shilling.

    • Finally, the penny dropped

      • He must have felt spent after all those tests.

        • Scary, though…. it must have given him the thu’penny bits.

          • The State Department in Washington has today issued a press release denying the existence of plans to erect a perimeter fence to encircle the British Isles, citing reports that a circular barrier would be far more expensive than one which simply hugged the coastline.
            State Department spokesman Mr Bob Halfpenny said Mr Farthing should think twice about being overly pence-ive in the future. He also put paid to charges from some quarters of the British media that it was a bit of a joke, and noted that any suggestions of irony would be taken seriously. “We don’t wish to give currency to the media speculation.” he said, “Although a sterling idea, it was based on an old paradime.”

  2. Since you mention the weather, I here we’re going to get a month’s rainfall over the next 2 days. Guess my neighbour’s 80th birthday barbie in his garden Saturday afternoon stands a good chance of being called off

    Meantime, I’m making preparations for the expected deluge – fashioning suitable rainwear for the dogs

    Black bin liners cut to size and affixed with duct tape, and empty toilet roll cardboard tubes for their tails should keep the buggers dry !

  3. British, eh? Poor fellow.

  4. Fucking brilliant, Nobbly. I’ve read it five times and still laughing

  5. New York, July 4: US authorities today commenced proceedings seeking the extradition of Mr George Farthing on unspecified charges, under the provisions of the Homeland Security Act. The charges follow a sudden rise in the suicide rate at American Psychiatric Research, Ltd.
    “All of the victims were known to have had unprotected conversations with Mr Farthing, who is a carrier of the so-called ‘British Disease’. We’ve lost two of our top researchers in the last month, and three of our most nubile young research assistants” confirmed our source. “All the victims were researching ‘British Disease’ and authorities now believe Mr Farthing does it on purpose.”
    Mr Farthing commented that he was looking forward to returning to New York, as he’d have a chance to tell his side of the story in court.
    As this story goes to print, several US judges have filed a Federal class action opposing Mr Farthing’s extradition. Details are sketchy, but it appears the case is based on legal definitions of the word ‘Hearing’. A White House spokesman commented that it was a matter for the courts, and it was “extremely unlikely” that the matter could be debated in Congress.

  6. Hmmmm…. how does one spell hmmmm, I wonder.

    While we’re on the subject: Julian Assange goes to ground in the Ecuadorian embassy just as stickbud disappears off the face of the megainterweb…… hmmmmm.

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