Read the comments and find out !
Posted on September 5, 2012 at 4:30 pm in Forum, humor | RSS feed
This new feature of Madhatters is intended to be a general chat area where conversations can cover any subject under the sun and a place where commentators (rather than authors) can determine what goes on in Madhatters.
Something in the news you want to talk about? – Post a link here
Something or someone pissed you off? – Post a rant here
Want to chat about what you’re up to ? – Post details here
Got some photographs you want to share? Post them here
Got some porn ‘artistic’ photographs you want to share ? Post email them to us at firstname.lastname@example.org
I PROTEST ! ! !
Have a nice day.
That protest happened weeks ago…where were you?
He was still protesting about the first protest taking place without him being invited to protest.
You mean we have to talk to each other now?
As you know perfectly well, the general idea is to use numerous gratuitous references to excreta (liquid or solid), sexual orientation, intercourse, advancing (as in declining) years, and private parts, whilst maintaining suitably high standards in the usage, grammar and spelling of English dialects, (except of course those used in America), in the expression of politcally incorrect derogatory opinions, in a warm and friendly way.
…as exemplified by UniSciKill…
Alleskylar, why don’t you come by my lab- err I mean my home this weekend? I’ll make an extra special dinner for you.
Fucken dishwasher – Grrrrrrrr !
Excuse the language, folks – bastard thing is stuck mid-cycle, won’t drain the bloody water away
Now where did I put the fucken manual ?
“Now where did I put the fucken manual ?”
Don’t you think it would be a good idea to repair the dishwasher, before you look at your porn stash ?
Under your pillow?
No Comment Necessary
Though perhaps a vote is in order? duncan?
I dread to think what you were searching for when you came up with that gem.
Not sure – I think I typed “ratty” into Google….
constipation seems to be a common problem affecting Olympic divers !
Panic over, folks – dishwasher working again
I gave it a stern talking to – in a commanding voice – and slapped it about a bit. I stripped it and poked and prodded it’s orifices with a Philips screw driver, then gave it a final kick – just to make clear who was in charge here.
It got the message !
P.S. still not found the manual
>>>> Wacom Bamboo Splash Tablet: Product Review (by UniSciKill) <<<<
This week I bought a Wacom Bamboo Splash Tablet to teach kids online, but it wasn't as amazing and useful (for me) as I initially thought it would be.
You can see a video of the product here:
You can take notes, annotate documents, mark presentations, sketch, and much more with remarkable precision and ease. By turning Windows Tablet PC features on (even if you don't have a tablet PC), you can use the handwriting recognition software. The sensitivity of the pen, and design of both the tablet and the pen are far superior to the other tablets on the market. The active area of the tablet (where the pen functions) is large enough for people who don't own laptops or desktop computers with screen/monitor sizes larger than 17 inches.
However, the texture of the active area of tablet is rough (although it feels like it's smooth) and scratches rather easily. The friction between the pen and tablet causes the nib of the pen to wear down quickly. Luckily, installing a surface protector can solve that problem.
To be honest, part of me really wanted to keep the tablet but it's not exactly what I needed. So, I'll settle for a cheaper alternative – a document webcam. That way I can write on a whiteboard or paper without having to adjust the way I write.
Let me know if you have any better ideas.
Just watched this vid at work (with volume off)
Felt I was going to be sick – that white, chocolate box, all-american, apple pie, sickly-sweet, lovey-dovey couple – Urrgh, enough. make them stop !!!
Splash tablet, document webcam – you’re talking way over my head, Eunice. Maybe the graphic artists on Madhatters have got some advice recommendations ?
You’re not the only with that sentiment. The couple bothered me too.
Everything you’ve said there describes a pencil perfectly.
(Except possibly the handwriting recognition, but will that decipher your doctor?)
And you can fix the wear problem with a pencil sharpener.
It’s not exactly like a regular pencil! If you use a pencil sharpener on it, the nib will be ruined.
You’d have to buy this tablet and try it out to understand what I mean.
And no, it will not decipher your doctor’s handwriting- right away at least – unless he keeps correcting the software or ‘teaches” it to recognize his handwriting (which takes a while).
A proper solution:-
Ha Ha… when will I learn not to ask serious questions on this blog?
Keep taking the tablets.
I’m not taking any tablets! I’m perfectly fine, thank you very much.
Right you lot.
I’m off on my hols for a week.
A cottage in Snowdonia sounds pretty good at the moment. See you soon.
Was it something I said?
best of british Welsh to you
You’d best pack your wellies (and not just for the sheep)
According to the weather forecast for next week, you’re going to need them
P.S. i hope you’re not camping !
Have fun, Nobblysan!!! I wish u all d luv, ranbowz, pwnies, and happyness 4 ur trip!!!
Keep safe – and remember, the only way to kill a zombie is by shooting them in the head.
Hope you really have a great time – and it snows.
Saturday 11th Aug, Camelot announces a Brit has scooped the £148 billion Euro Lottery Prize
Saturday 11th Aug, notorious cheapskate announces he is taking a week off work to holiday in Snowdonia
He’s been misquoted for sure. Are you sure he didn’t say “…taking a week of work on his holiday…” ?
I heard that on my way to work a little while ago – listen to him every morning when I’m driving to work, he’s the DJ on our local radio station’s morning show – he is really, really funny and bloody naughty!! He aired is 1000th prank about 2 weeks ago – some of them have been absolute snorters! It’s really difficult driving when you’re laughing so much you can barely see!
BREAKING NEWS !!!
Just in – pic of Nobby having fun on his holidays
(he always did like riding sheep!)
For our lady readers -
You wouldn’t want Robin Williams whacking you off, though, would you?
Dear -fans- of 50 Shades of Utter Bullshit,
Please check out Speaker7′s hilarious, witty recraps of the original, insipid crapshit series. You won’t be sorry.
I never read the damn series and I never will. My brain started sputtering (almost died) after chapter one.
Here is the link:
I’d heard it was Twilight for grownups.
I thought it was ratty’s underpants.
Yes, it is. In fact, the books were written as Twilight fanfiction.
I never read Twilight either but hearing about the “plot” was enough to make me say no.
Update: Eunice is very tired, so tired that she can’t even type in first person. Wish her luck in her future endeavors. She’s trying to get along with new people she’s meet, but she just can’t stand some of them. So, she’s stopped trying. EFF THEM!
I generally get on with most people but there’s a few get right up my nose. I don’t try to get on with the latter – avoiding contact with them unless the situation demands it, and then I’m polite but aloof until I can escape their company. Some people are just not worth the effort!
Now dogs, on the other hand . . .
Come on Dunc’s, don’t keep us in suspenders. Who was Augusts’esses Top Gun?
Can someone, please, please, tell me how to set bold, italic and crossed-through text in comments. I can do all this in Word, QuarkExpress, Illustrator, etc. but when I copy and paste it into a comments box, everything reverts to plain, bog standard text again. – Thankyou.
PS: If anyone is thinking of advising me to ask Nurse Shady, they can fuck right off, now.
I’d rule that out…
Sorry mate, often wondered how to do it myself.
How about an emphasis tutorial, Duncs? And smileys….
<i>italic</i> => italic
<b>bold</b> => bold
<em>emphasis</em> => emphasis
<del>struck</del> => struck
<i><b><del>italic bold struck</del></b></i> => italic bold struck
Hey! Thanks for that, Allesklar, it’s really good! He who fucks nuns will later join the church….
…but he who fucks nun doesn’t get any, won’t have to ?
And, er, congratulations on putting aside your principles in the pursuit of glory and kudos your er, achievement.
allesklar* may the bird of Paradise fly up your nose YOU are a true gentleman !
Really, that’s brilliant ! I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to do that by looking it up on the web, etc.
For the time being, I’ll print your instructions out and paste them on the wall as it’s a little bit much for my tiny mind to commit to memory. Thanks again.
Glad to help. Just make doubly sure the lens of the video-cam lines up to the centre of the peep-hole though. Oh, and I trust you’ll also find those html codes useful.
Update: The world is a happy place right now. I love everyone! Free *hugs*
Looks like she’s found somebody’s stash.
Where the fuck’s heck’s my stash?
Ha! Ha! Very subtle, mr ratty.
I don’t need a man to make me happy!
Who said anything about men?
@Knoblysan You might want to check where you hid yours…
“I love everyone”
Wot – even ratty ?
Jeez, even his mother had to work hard at that !
You must really be in a happy place right now
You haven’t won the lottery by any chance, have you?
Only I’m a bit strapped for cash right now and I was just wondering, since you love everyone . . . .
Ratty is super old, and I think super old people are just swell to get along with. Won the lottery? Not literally…
Today, before I could leave for home, I spotted one of my lab supervisors. The other one was in the break room, and she was talking about me. She said my name and another guy’s and starting laughing with whoever the hell was in there with her. Then, the lab supervisor in front of me- after answer my questions- shushed them. Part of me doesn’t give two shits about all this, and the other part of me does. I mean, they’re there to make sure we’re receiving our training and answering our questions- not to be unprofessional and gossip whores. I guess I am kind of pissed off at them (or one of them at least).
Oh dear! But never fear,
You’ve come to the right place,
We’ll lend our sympathetic ear,
To all the details of your case,
And other essential information,
Whose negligee was torn?
What handcuffs, dildos, whips and chains,
What leather gear was worn?
The whispers of tormented passion
and epithets of scorn
And most of all we’ll need to know,
Whose pubic hair was shorn?
Some hi-def pictures, if you please,
And video of the action,
For all of us to perve at see,
Y our ultimate satisfaction
Eunice, I would also be pissed off, but don’t “get your knickers in a knot”.
Everyone knows in their inner heart, that malicious gossip reveals far more about the gossipers than who they gossip about.
You could actually pity them, for the empty hole they have in their lives, so they have nothing better to talk about.
BTW – Perhaps you should write to Nurse Shady about this ?
Hmmm, then again, perhaps not…
*Smiles* Nice poem.
You’re right. It’s not as if this is the first time someone has gossiped about me or anyone else for that matter. I usually don’t care in almost all cases, but I just never expected it from this supervisor because she always appeared to be nice and professional. Her real-fake personality caught me off guard.
What about the strappy shoes?
You must have a ‘supervision’ process, and a means of addressing an issue that you might have with a line manager? Don’t know how it works in the States, but here the thing to do would be to take it up with her by asking to see her in private and expressing your concerns in a calm and rational manner, pointing out such things as that you are there to learn, and not to have your private life discussed with other colleagues. If you’re still not satisfied after this, then you approach her line manager. Any responsible company that values its staff and their welfare and development should have such a process in place.
If none of this works, then you go to Walmart and get yourself an M16, a thousand rounds of ammo, a couple of grenades, a gas mask, tear gas canisters….
Oh shit! What have I done…?
“What have I done?”
You’ll be held responsible.
Honestly, there is a system and a more anonymous system in place. However, I won’t make this an issue because 1) my supervisor is the boss’s favorite and 2) my supervisor is going to determine where I ultimately get placed. All I can do is either ignore what she said (which I probably will) or grit my teeth and bear with the fake-ness.
Going to Walmart…
Fuck. I’m not watching the news tonight.
Have you ever felt like you ruined something- a chance, an opportunity for a new academic, career, or travel experience? *Heavy sigh* I’m usually very good at talking with people. I’m a people person! *Sighs again*
I also feel a little overwhelmed with lab work and then… what the hell is it with all these people around me dating or getting married?!?! Why??
I hate how marriages/relationships make you put someone else above everyone else especially your parents and the rest of your family. Men aren’t asked to leave their families! In my culture, once a woman is married- she belongs to that family- that family is her family. Wanna know what I think? I think this is all a bunch of utter crap. I used to be a closet romantic, but now… heck no. I don’t think I can give a some guy more importance than people who have known me all my life.
I know, I’m being “too negative” but this is how I feel. I can’t understand why men and women throw everything away for one person, for love. Love? Love is as real as unicorns, ponies, and rainbows in this day and age.
Been to Walmart yet…?
No… too tired…
…and as sticky points out, True Love can be expressed in ‘different’ ways
‘bittersweet’ is the word a friend used when talking to me about his sister getting married – groom’s family all happy at joyful occasion, bride’s family happiness mixed with sadness at losing a sister and daughter to another family
Do smartphones and facebook, though, not make it easier now than it once was to maintain ties with original family, even if groom’s family live many miles away?
After my neighbor’s daughter got married, her son-in-law tells her daughter when she can meet mother (if at all). And on an unrelated note… I’ve noticed most guys think it’s okay to hang out with girls even after they’re married, but don’t like “their” women hanging out with guys- WTF?
I can’t stand some of these guys. Insecure and no confidence. Good men aren’t made or born anymore. I’ll just have to clone myself or build a cyborg.
True love is not selfish. It is given and received in freedom and in equal measure, and radiates to all those around you (and most importantly to your children if you have them)
A nice man once pointed out to me:
“In the West, you marry for love – and if the love goes away, the marriage goes away too.
In the East, our marriage comes first – through the difficult times, we learn to love the one we marry”
True love hangs in the balance of both worlds.
My generation seems incapable of having true love… in fact, they seem incapable of acting like decent human beings too.
I’ve had two guys this week say something stupid like “sweetheart” and wink at me. They can thank their lucky stars that I didn’t kick ‘em in their balls.
Maybe you need an extra-cultural relationship…?
‘sweetheart’? You’re lucky.
Woman at the Tesco near my work calls me ‘love’ and ‘darling’ when she’s serving me
‘How are you today, love?’
‘That’ll be 59p, darling’
What gets me is when they say “That’s £6.47, then”.
But what’s the price now?
Gor! Will you listen to the surly buggers here! I should think they were half-way to getting lucky…
I just wish… Jeez… Nobody ever calls ME darling…
I wouldn’t mind if she was a young slip of a thing like eunice but she’s ratty’s age if she’s a day and ugly ?
Well, I wouldn’t advise her visiting Nepal !
OUR YOUTUBE IS BANNED. I WANT JUSTICE.
preventing it’s citizens from accessing Youtube just to prevent them viewing one video is a bit extreme – and a bit pointless.
How long is the ban going to last 1 month, 2 months, 12 months, longer ?
Unless the ban is to be permanent, at some stage Pakistan will again allow it’s citizens access to Youtube, and if Google has not taken down the offending video, it will still be available to view. Will the offense (in the opinion of many people) to muhammad (pbuh) be any the less in 12 months time than it is now ?
In any case, very few of the folk that have reacted angrily and violently to the video have actually seen it for themselves on Youtube. It is enough for them that someone, somewhere has seen the video and told someone somewhere, who then told someone else somewhere etc that it insults islam. The violent reaction did not arise from people watching the vid on Youtube. It stemmed from people being told about the content of the video
If the Pakistani Government wants to stop any more violence then it should forget banning it’s people from accessing Youtube and instead concentrate it’s attention on the people who incite the crowds to perform violent acts (and that includes officials who offer large financial rewards to anyone who kills the arsehole who made the video)
I haven’t even watched it myself – can’t be arsed (yawn).
Haven’t even bothered looking for the pics of Catherine wotsername’s tits.
what they don’t know is the entire screenplay is available on wikipedia too.. but see that’s the thing.. if i want to read something offensive and then get offended, that’s because I am a downright idiot. Why the eff read it or watch it? We gave the video all the hype it did not deserve and now we want to take it back.
FOOLS. yes. we’re fools, and idiots.
DON’T WATCH IT IF IT IS OFFENSIVE. IGNORE IT. THAT’S WHAT OUR PROPHET (SAW) USED TO DO. and He (saw) used to actually pray for guidance of those who insulted/offended him.
In attempt to protect Islam we forgot what it actually stands for: PEACE.
What came first: chicken or egg? video or violence?
I want my Youtube back
That sounds like my Grandmother. She used to sit in front of the telly muttering
“This programme is rubbish – I’ll be glad when it finishes.”
How cruel of you to tie her to her chair and make her watch Monty Python.
So would i .. i want my YouTube back!
Check this out. Clever and really funny.
Who hates the people they work with? I can’t be the only one.
I have this great desire to punch the crap out of this guy who can’t get his work done without leeching information off of people including me.
HE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS! And if you doesn’t… then he needs to LOOK IT UP! TRY IT ON HIS OWN DAMMIT!!
Him: “Hey, y’all want to get together and finish this report?”
What I usually say: “Sure” (and then I never show up or act uninterested)
What I want to say: “Yes, right after I stab your face fifty times.”
Maybe you could find it in your heart to “help” him with the next report… and if a few typos crept in, who would be to blame ?
Haha! Love the idea allesklar…
Lab work and related material is continuing to be an uphill battle. Not because of the concepts or procedure- just the way things are being run and the people I’m working with.
Despite all this, I’m thinking of writing another short story based on a song. Waiting for inspiration…
We probably spend more time with the folk we work with than we do with our friends or family, so it’s a pain when we don’t get on with them. Usually I just ignore anyone that i don’t particularly like – or am polite but distant. One guy at work, though, I dislike intensely (he’s a smarmy bastard, a real nasty two-faced piece of work that will stab a fellow worker in the back, but licks all the managers arses).
When I can’t ignore him, I insult him – and the idiot thinks I’m just joking
I have a bit off banter going with some folk revolving round nationality – they’ll call me ‘Scottish b*stard” and I’ll call them ‘f*cken sassenach’. It’s all said in good humour, except when I’m talking to this guy. He doesn’t realise I’m being deadly serious when I call him a ‘f*cken wanker’
That is awesome, Duncan. I wish I could do that without unnecessary gossip spreading…
I was brainstorming of ways to get rid of that annoying-leech lab person…
Came up with a good idea (at least I like it):
Him: “Hey, what’s the answer for this calculation?”
Me: “My horoscope said I shouldn’t help anyone today… (or they’d die a painful death)”
try squeezing his balls (see Men : Protect your Nuts’ post)
Update: Annoying guy STILL sings in the lab and somehow thinks that I think his singing is cute. BLERGH…
Anyway, I caught him looking at my calculations, and I told him he couldn’t copy it. He understood now, hopefully… hopefully
I feel like my lab work and my part time job are eclipsing everything else in my life!
I’m juggling one with the other and there is no break.
Tired… exhausted… I can’t even spell properly sometimes or remember the correct grammar usage or punctuation- and that’s never a good thing… dskksdlfdksakds
‘and that’s never a good thing’ – especially when nobbly’s waiting to pounce on any aberration!
I saw this saying on an advertisement board at the top of a bank building many years ago. And though I don’t agree with it, it’s one of the most provocative (if not profound) sayings I’ve ever read/heard:
“To kill time is to injure eternity.”
To kill thyme is the basis of a good herb dressing.
To mend your ways is to put a navvy out of a job.
HAPPY NEW YEAR
Today, the 16th of November in the Gregorian calendar, is the 1st of Moharram in the Hegirah calendar.
I shall resolve to make an effort to forget all the resolutions I made on the 1st of January.
Roll on Lent !
I’ve already forgotten most of what I did yesterday. At your age I’m amazed that you even remember when January was.
When January was what ???
Lang may yur lum hookah reek !
Ya shuid clean it oot regular, laddie.
This must be the newest watering hole for twisted noodles … I’m in!
The UK now seems to have a new policy designed to keep the riff raff out.
British riff raff such as Dewani will be entitled to the very best care money can buy, whilst colonial riff raff such as Assange can can’t sod off.
And as for this arsehole…
Bloody beardy convict! Send him back.
I bet his ancestors got transported to Oz for standing up for little old ladies and getting injured in the process as well. Bastards – the lot of ‘em. We’re better off without ‘em. Let’s stick to our own proper British types such as Jimmy Savile, Freddie Starr, David Cameron, Gerry McCann, Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, ….. shit – it makes me proud.
You can’t help but smile at the situation in which De-yawn-i’s publicist and PR guru now finds himself….
Birds of a feather, eh?
I’m so exhausted that I don’t even have the energy to rant about work and introduce you to new cartoon- I mean real people I’m forced to work for and work with.
there’s a few clowns where I work, too !
Sometimes, I’m glad I’m just an old rough-arsed Cornishman.
This sophisticated, modern world is not for me . . .
Advice to heterosexual British men who are looking for an appreciative partner: go to Australia. Apparently, Sheilas are not impressed with the lack of masculinity of their males, and fight over British men. Not surprising, if Bruce prefers to wear his girlfriend’s lingerie. What’s your take on this, Allesklar?
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