Wot’s this ‘ere then ?

by The Madhatters

Read the comments and find out !

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187 Comments to “Wot’s this ‘ere then ?”

  1. This new feature of Madhatters is intended to be a general chat area where conversations can cover any subject under the sun and a place where commentators (rather than authors) can determine what goes on in Madhatters.

    Something in the news you want to talk about? – Post a link here

    Something or someone pissed you off? – Post a rant here

    Want to chat about what you’re up to ? – Post details here

    Got some photographs you want to share? Post them here

    Got some porn ‘artistic’ photographs you want to share ? Post email them to us at madhatterscafe@gmail.com

  2. I PROTEST ! ! !

    Thank you.

    Have a nice day.

    (and FIRST!)

  3. You mean we have to talk to each other now?

    • As you know perfectly well, the general idea is to use numerous gratuitous references to excreta (liquid or solid), sexual orientation, intercourse, advancing (as in declining) years, and private parts, whilst maintaining suitably high standards in the usage, grammar and spelling of English dialects, (except of course those used in America), in the expression of politcally incorrect derogatory opinions, in a warm and friendly way.
      (Go figger….)

  4. Fucken dishwasher – Grrrrrrrr !

    Excuse the language, folks – bastard thing is stuck mid-cycle, won’t drain the bloody water away

    Now where did I put the fucken manual ?

  5. Panic over, folks – dishwasher working again

    I gave it a stern talking to – in a commanding voice – and slapped it about a bit. I stripped it and poked and prodded it’s orifices with a Philips screw driver, then gave it a final kick – just to make clear who was in charge here.

    It got the message !

    P.S. still not found the manual

  6. >>>> Wacom Bamboo Splash Tablet: Product Review (by UniSciKill) <<<<

    This week I bought a Wacom Bamboo Splash Tablet to teach kids online, but it wasn't as amazing and useful (for me) as I initially thought it would be.

    You can see a video of the product here:

    You can take notes, annotate documents, mark presentations, sketch, and much more with remarkable precision and ease. By turning Windows Tablet PC features on (even if you don't have a tablet PC), you can use the handwriting recognition software. The sensitivity of the pen, and design of both the tablet and the pen are far superior to the other tablets on the market. The active area of the tablet (where the pen functions) is large enough for people who don't own laptops or desktop computers with screen/monitor sizes larger than 17 inches.

    However, the texture of the active area of tablet is rough (although it feels like it's smooth) and scratches rather easily. The friction between the pen and tablet causes the nib of the pen to wear down quickly. Luckily, installing a surface protector can solve that problem.

    To be honest, part of me really wanted to keep the tablet but it's not exactly what I needed. So, I'll settle for a cheaper alternative – a document webcam. That way I can write on a whiteboard or paper without having to adjust the way I write.

    Let me know if you have any better ideas.

    • Just watched this vid at work (with volume off)

      Felt I was going to be sick – that white, chocolate box, all-american, apple pie, sickly-sweet, lovey-dovey couple – Urrgh, enough. make them stop !!!

      Splash tablet, document webcam – you’re talking way over my head, Eunice. Maybe the graphic artists on Madhatters have got some advice recommendations ?

    • Everything you’ve said there describes a pencil perfectly.
      (Except possibly the handwriting recognition, but will that decipher your doctor?)

      • And you can fix the wear problem with a pencil sharpener.

        • It’s not exactly like a regular pencil! If you use a pencil sharpener on it, the nib will be ruined.
          You’d have to buy this tablet and try it out to understand what I mean.
          And no, it will not decipher your doctor’s handwriting- right away at least – unless he keeps correcting the software or ‘teaches” it to recognize his handwriting (which takes a while).

  7. Right you lot.

    I’m off on my hols for a week.

    A cottage in Snowdonia sounds pretty good at the moment. See you soon.

  8. Hope you really have a great time – and it snows.

  9. Hhmmm,

    Saturday 11th Aug, Camelot announces a Brit has scooped the £148 billion Euro Lottery Prize

    Saturday 11th Aug, notorious cheapskate announces he is taking a week off work to holiday in Snowdonia

    Coincidence ?

    • :lol: I heard that on my way to work a little while ago – listen to him every morning when I’m driving to work, he’s the DJ on our local radio station’s morning show – he is really, really funny and bloody naughty!! He aired is 1000th prank about 2 weeks ago – some of them have been absolute snorters! It’s really difficult driving when you’re laughing so much you can barely see!


    Just in – pic of Nobby having fun on his holidays


    (he always did like riding sheep!)

  11. You wouldn’t want Robin Williams whacking you off, though, would you?

  12. Dear -fans- of 50 Shades of Utter Bullshit,

    Please check out Speaker7′s hilarious, witty recraps of the original, insipid crapshit series. You won’t be sorry.


    I never read the damn series and I never will. My brain started sputtering (almost died) after chapter one.

  13. Update: Eunice is very tired, so tired that she can’t even type in first person. Wish her luck in her future endeavors. She’s trying to get along with new people she’s meet, but she just can’t stand some of them. So, she’s stopped trying. EFF THEM!

    • I generally get on with most people but there’s a few get right up my nose. I don’t try to get on with the latter – avoiding contact with them unless the situation demands it, and then I’m polite but aloof until I can escape their company. Some people are just not worth the effort!

      Now dogs, on the other hand . . . :lol:

  14. Come on Dunc’s, don’t keep us in suspenders. Who was Augusts’esses Top Gun?

  15. Can someone, please, please, tell me how to set bold, italic and crossed-through text in comments. I can do all this in Word, QuarkExpress, Illustrator, etc. but when I copy and paste it into a comments box, everything reverts to plain, bog standard text again. – Thankyou.

    PS: If anyone is thinking of advising me to ask Nurse Shady, they can fuck right off, now.

  16. <i>italic</i> => italic
    <b>bold</b> => bold
    <em>emphasis</em> => emphasis
    <del>struck</del> => struck

    <i><b><del>italic bold struck</del></b></i> => italic bold struck

  17. allesklar* may the bird of Paradise fly up your nose YOU are a true gentleman !

    • Really, that’s brilliant ! I’ve spent years trying to figure out how to do that by looking it up on the web, etc.

      For the time being, I’ll print your instructions out and paste them on the wall as it’s a little bit much for my tiny mind to commit to memory. Thanks again.

  18. Update: The world is a happy place right now. I love everyone! Free *hugs*

  19. Today, before I could leave for home, I spotted one of my lab supervisors. The other one was in the break room, and she was talking about me. She said my name and another guy’s and starting laughing with whoever the hell was in there with her. Then, the lab supervisor in front of me- after answer my questions- shushed them. Part of me doesn’t give two shits about all this, and the other part of me does. I mean, they’re there to make sure we’re receiving our training and answering our questions- not to be unprofessional and gossip whores. I guess I am kind of pissed off at them (or one of them at least).

    • Oh dear! But never fear,
      You’ve come to the right place,
      We’ll lend our sympathetic ear,
      To all the details of your case,

      And other essential information,
      Whose negligee was torn?
      What handcuffs, dildos, whips and chains,
      What leather gear was worn?
      The whispers of tormented passion
      and epithets of scorn
      And most of all we’ll need to know,
      Whose pubic hair was shorn?

      Some hi-def pictures, if you please,
      And video of the action,
      For all of us to perve at see,
      Y our ultimate satisfaction

      Eunice, I would also be pissed off, but don’t “get your knickers in a knot”.
      Everyone knows in their inner heart, that malicious gossip reveals far more about the gossipers than who they gossip about.
      You could actually pity them, for the empty hole they have in their lives, so they have nothing better to talk about.

      BTW – Perhaps you should write to Nurse Shady about this ?
      Hmmm, then again, perhaps not…

      • *Smiles* Nice poem.

        You’re right. It’s not as if this is the first time someone has gossiped about me or anyone else for that matter. I usually don’t care in almost all cases, but I just never expected it from this supervisor because she always appeared to be nice and professional. Her real-fake personality caught me off guard.

      • What about the strappy shoes?

    • You must have a ‘supervision’ process, and a means of addressing an issue that you might have with a line manager? Don’t know how it works in the States, but here the thing to do would be to take it up with her by asking to see her in private and expressing your concerns in a calm and rational manner, pointing out such things as that you are there to learn, and not to have your private life discussed with other colleagues. If you’re still not satisfied after this, then you approach her line manager. Any responsible company that values its staff and their welfare and development should have such a process in place.

      If none of this works, then you go to Walmart and get yourself an M16, a thousand rounds of ammo, a couple of grenades, a gas mask, tear gas canisters….

  20. Have you ever felt like you ruined something- a chance, an opportunity for a new academic, career, or travel experience? *Heavy sigh* I’m usually very good at talking with people. I’m a people person! *Sighs again*

    I also feel a little overwhelmed with lab work and then… what the hell is it with all these people around me dating or getting married?!?! Why??

    I hate how marriages/relationships make you put someone else above everyone else especially your parents and the rest of your family. Men aren’t asked to leave their families! In my culture, once a woman is married- she belongs to that family- that family is her family. Wanna know what I think? I think this is all a bunch of utter crap. I used to be a closet romantic, but now… heck no. I don’t think I can give a some guy more importance than people who have known me all my life.

    I know, I’m being “too negative” but this is how I feel. I can’t understand why men and women throw everything away for one person, for love. Love? Love is as real as unicorns, ponies, and rainbows in this day and age.


    [End rant]

    • Been to Walmart yet…?

    • …and as sticky points out, True Love can be expressed in ‘different’ ways

    • ‘bittersweet’ is the word a friend used when talking to me about his sister getting married – groom’s family all happy at joyful occasion, bride’s family happiness mixed with sadness at losing a sister and daughter to another family

      Do smartphones and facebook, though, not make it easier now than it once was to maintain ties with original family, even if groom’s family live many miles away?

      • After my neighbor’s daughter got married, her son-in-law tells her daughter when she can meet mother (if at all). And on an unrelated note… I’ve noticed most guys think it’s okay to hang out with girls even after they’re married, but don’t like “their” women hanging out with guys- WTF?

        I can’t stand some of these guys. Insecure and no confidence. Good men aren’t made or born anymore. I’ll just have to clone myself or build a cyborg.

  21. True love is not selfish. It is given and received in freedom and in equal measure, and radiates to all those around you (and most importantly to your children if you have them)

    A nice man once pointed out to me:
    “In the West, you marry for love – and if the love goes away, the marriage goes away too.
    In the East, our marriage comes first – through the difficult times, we learn to love the one we marry”

    True love hangs in the balance of both worlds.

    • My generation seems incapable of having true love… in fact, they seem incapable of acting like decent human beings too.

      I’ve had two guys this week say something stupid like “sweetheart” and wink at me. They can thank their lucky stars that I didn’t kick ‘em in their balls.

  22. Gor! Will you listen to the surly buggers here! I should think they were half-way to getting lucky…
    I just wish… Jeez… Nobody ever calls ME darling…

    and youtube.

    • preventing it’s citizens from accessing Youtube just to prevent them viewing one video is a bit extreme – and a bit pointless.

      How long is the ban going to last 1 month, 2 months, 12 months, longer ?

      Unless the ban is to be permanent, at some stage Pakistan will again allow it’s citizens access to Youtube, and if Google has not taken down the offending video, it will still be available to view. Will the offense (in the opinion of many people) to muhammad (pbuh) be any the less in 12 months time than it is now ?

      In any case, very few of the folk that have reacted angrily and violently to the video have actually seen it for themselves on Youtube. It is enough for them that someone, somewhere has seen the video and told someone somewhere, who then told someone else somewhere etc that it insults islam. The violent reaction did not arise from people watching the vid on Youtube. It stemmed from people being told about the content of the video

      If the Pakistani Government wants to stop any more violence then it should forget banning it’s people from accessing Youtube and instead concentrate it’s attention on the people who incite the crowds to perform violent acts (and that includes officials who offer large financial rewards to anyone who kills the arsehole who made the video)

  24. Who hates the people they work with? I can’t be the only one.

    I have this great desire to punch the crap out of this guy who can’t get his work done without leeching information off of people including me.

    HE SHOULD ALREADY KNOW HOW TO DO THIS! And if you doesn’t… then he needs to LOOK IT UP! TRY IT ON HIS OWN DAMMIT!!


    Him: “Hey, y’all want to get together and finish this report?”

    What I usually say: “Sure” (and then I never show up or act uninterested)

    What I want to say: “Yes, right after I stab your face fifty times.”

    • Maybe you could find it in your heart to “help” him with the next report… and if a few typos crept in, who would be to blame ?

      • Haha! Love the idea allesklar…

        Lab work and related material is continuing to be an uphill battle. Not because of the concepts or procedure- just the way things are being run and the people I’m working with.

        Despite all this, I’m thinking of writing another short story based on a song. Waiting for inspiration…

  25. We probably spend more time with the folk we work with than we do with our friends or family, so it’s a pain when we don’t get on with them. Usually I just ignore anyone that i don’t particularly like – or am polite but distant. One guy at work, though, I dislike intensely (he’s a smarmy bastard, a real nasty two-faced piece of work that will stab a fellow worker in the back, but licks all the managers arses).

    When I can’t ignore him, I insult him – and the idiot thinks I’m just joking

    I have a bit off banter going with some folk revolving round nationality – they’ll call me ‘Scottish b*stard” and I’ll call them ‘f*cken sassenach’. It’s all said in good humour, except when I’m talking to this guy. He doesn’t realise I’m being deadly serious when I call him a ‘f*cken wanker’ :lol:

  26. I was brainstorming of ways to get rid of that annoying-leech lab person…

    Came up with a good idea (at least I like it):

    Him: “Hey, what’s the answer for this calculation?”

    Me: “My horoscope said I shouldn’t help anyone today… (or they’d die a painful death)”

  27. Update: Annoying guy STILL sings in the lab and somehow thinks that I think his singing is cute. BLERGH…
    Anyway, I caught him looking at my calculations, and I told him he couldn’t copy it. He understood now, hopefully… hopefully

    I feel like my lab work and my part time job are eclipsing everything else in my life!


    I’m juggling one with the other and there is no break.

    Tired… exhausted… I can’t even spell properly sometimes or remember the correct grammar usage or punctuation- and that’s never a good thing… dskksdlfdksakds

  28. I saw this saying on an advertisement board at the top of a bank building many years ago. And though I don’t agree with it, it’s one of the most provocative (if not profound) sayings I’ve ever read/heard:

    “To kill time is to injure eternity.”

  29. To mend your ways is to put a navvy out of a job.


    Today, the 16th of November in the Gregorian calendar, is the 1st of Moharram in the Hegirah calendar.

    I shall resolve to make an effort to forget all the resolutions I made on the 1st of January.

    Roll on Lent !

  31. Lang may yur lum hookah reek !

  32. This must be the newest watering hole for twisted noodles … I’m in!

  33. The UK now seems to have a new policy designed to keep the riff raff out.
    British riff raff such as Dewani will be entitled to the very best care money can buy, whilst colonial riff raff such as Assange can can’t sod off.
    And as for this arsehole…

    • Bloody beardy convict! Send him back.

      I bet his ancestors got transported to Oz for standing up for little old ladies and getting injured in the process as well. Bastards – the lot of ‘em. We’re better off without ‘em. Let’s stick to our own proper British types such as Jimmy Savile, Freddie Starr, David Cameron, Gerry McCann, Tony Blair, Margaret Thatcher, ….. shit – it makes me proud.

  34. You can’t help but smile at the situation in which De-yawn-i’s publicist and PR guru now finds himself….


    Birds of a feather, eh?

  35. I’m so exhausted that I don’t even have the energy to rant about work and introduce you to new cartoon- I mean real people I’m forced to work for and work with.

  36. Sometimes, I’m glad I’m just an old rough-arsed Cornishman.

    This sophisticated, modern world is not for me . . .


  37. Advice to heterosexual British men who are looking for an appreciative partner: go to Australia. Apparently, Sheilas are not impressed with the lack of masculinity of their males, and fight over British men. Not surprising, if Bruce prefers to wear his girlfriend’s lingerie. What’s your take on this, Allesklar?

    • This is of course a baseless rumour mongered by ratty to bolster flagging sales of his internet cornish accent lessons. If you look closely, you’ll see that the lingerie in question has significant scorch marks, exactly matching the discolouration a Raleigh bicycle seat cover which was offered on eBay recently.

  38. What, not completely satisfied?

    • Actually, it’th a thcam. Be thuthpithiouth. Bruthe ith obviouthly from Thydney and he’th put thith theila up to it. Ath the Britither enterth the room, the theemth obtheththed with thexth and athkth him to drethth in her thexthietht thingth, then the piththeth off, and Bruthe enterth, dithguithed ath a politheman with handcuffth, and hath hith manly way with the hapleth thucker. Athk ratty, he knowth.

      • You’re taking the pith.

        • I wath lithtening to a lot of whackhead yethterday.

          • You lucky thod ! Yethterday, Thaturday, I thpent thlogging away in the garden. Chrith, in platheth, the grath wath thoulder high. But I dethided to get off my fat arth and get it thorted, if only to put a thmile on my mithuth fathe. It took hourth and hourth of blood, thweat and tearth, but I thucktheeded.

            There ith nothing more thatithfying, at the day’th end, than to thit in the thetting thummer thun with a glath of thomething, thurveying the rethulth of your labourth while breathing in the thmell of frethly mown dog thit.

          • It thoundth ath though you’ve been thmoking thome, never mind lithening to it.

  39. Something’s not right.

  40. …unless I’ve made a mistake…

    …but that can’t be right either…

    …I think I’m getting a headache now

  41. I don’t think you’ve made a mistake. There is definitely something not right.

    psssst…. does anybody know what he’s on about?

  42. Is that you ratty? I’m glad you’re here… I heard a couple of split infinitives in the car park a moment ago, followed by a bestial growl, and some faint moaning sounds…

  43. Well it’s no good growling over spilt infideli fluids from your Mastur Miseratty initiatives.
    But it does sound like a sticky situation.

  44. Hiya All – just dropping in to let you all know that C is much improved – still can’t drive or walk far and will have a 20 cm scar for the rest of his life – but he is improving day by day. Was going to pop in when I got to work this morning, but when I got to work to unlock, we discovered that our wonderful fellow countrymen had helped themselves to the electricity cables over this past long weekend (loving this pathetic excuse for a country more and more every day!) FU Zuma and all your cronies!!

    Be back soon guys ;-)

    • Glad to hear the good news about ‘C’, Jules !

      Mind you, it wasn’t entirely a surprise – I had a sneaky feeling he’d pull through

      After all, a little pain from a little bitty knife is nothing in comparison to what the poor bugger went through being married to you – and he survived that ! :wink: :lol:

    • Great news Jules.

      Sorry, can’t stop… England walloping the Aussies…. must dash.

  45. A comment from the cricinfo live coverage that sums it up:-

    “Memo to Aussie cricket team: Stay in England. We don’t want you back here. We’ll find some blokes down the pub who can do your job.”

  46. Noting the part where the loving daughter calls the religious police and the pair of innocent lovebirds get carted off to jail, and that the same attitudes prevail in middle America and Scotland, I thought I’d better post this as a cautionary tale for duncan, lest he suffer a similar fate.


  47. Yes!!!
    They already wish they hadn’t put him in the army.
    Now they’re going to wish they hadn’t put her in jail.

    Remember US Ambassador Susman’s revelation of their major grievance in the case of Gary McKinnon… “He mocked us”. Now, somewhere in their military mentality, there will be a little festering core of uncertainty:
    “I hope the world isn’t laughing at us”.

    Keep an eye out for world leaders grinning broadly while shaking hands by the right, with the left behind their backs, fingers crossed.


    • This deserves its own post.

      I’ll sort it for now, but will invite you aboard as an author so you can post your own stuff in future. You can tell me to shove it if you wish; I won’t be offended.

  48. The latest news is that money has been raised to buy Jane Austen’s ring.

    I would imagine she’d be relieved to know that it’s no longer up for grabs.

  49. I feel I’ve let the side down. Sadly, it took me a whopping 26:45 to google Dr Who. Hopefully a mad hatter somewhere will be able to redeem our reputation?

    • don’t count on me to do it

      I’ve just wasted 20 minutes trying to get past the first bloody dalek !

      Doesn’t help that there’s no bloody instructions or that the arrow keys on my macbook seem to work in counterintuitive manner in game – up/down arrows =left/right, left/right arrows =up/down

      What the fuck is that about ???

      Ggrrr !!!

  50. just turn your keyboard sidewards, Duncan. Problem solved.

  51. Hi Duncan, Julie, Nobbly, Ratty and everyone! It’s just me, Torri. Just stopped in to say hi and have a coffee or something stronger…………………………

  52. Hi torri,

    How’s life in sawks saskywat saqswat Canada?

    Have you been out sunbathing recently?

  53. Hi Kath

    How’re you doing?

    Still with Leroy (aka ‘tractor man’) ? :lol:

  54. My sister was at one time going out with a chinese guy.
    When she introduced him to us, we learned he was a teacher, and his name was “Fook”.
    I asked him if he ever had problems at the school because of unfortunate connotations.
    He said “Yes, I used to – that’s why I changed my name”
    I said “Really, you shouldn’t have to do that, in a multicultural society”
    He said “Well you see, my name not really pronounced ‘Fook’….”

  55. “Of course I won’t laugh,” said the nurse. “I’m a professional. In over twenty years I’ve never laughed at a patient.”
    “Okay then,” said the well-known kiss-and-tell PR guru, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was almost identical to a AAA battery.
    Unable to control herself, the nurse tried to stop a giggle, but it just came out.
    Feeling embarrassed, she composed herself as well as she could.
    “I am so sorry,” she said.. “I don’t know what came over me. On my honor as a nurse and a lady, I promise that won’t happen again. Now, tell me, what seems to be the problem?”
    “It’s swollen,” the guru replied.
    She ran out of the room.

  56. Now, I’m not known as a dog lover on MH, but not being in a position to own one, I don’t usually get involved in the various postings by Dunc and Nobs.

    However, I like both dogs and cats! My brother in E Yorks has owned dogs for years (most of which came into his life unexpectedly, literally turning up on the doorstep, obviously having been mistreated) but sadly his last one, Sapper (yes, my brother was in the RE), an Alsatian, died late last year. His daughter had two rescue dogs, Penny, something like a Cairn Terrier, and Paddy, who might be a Patterdale Terrier, and who she rescued from some people on a rough estate for £80.

    However, Paddy has been a naughty boy, peeing on beds and trying to shag Penny (who used to stay upstairs, to keep away from him), as he hasn’t been spayed.

    When Sapper died, Paddy went to live with my brother, and now he is a really good boy, and has settled in well.

    When I visit, he goes mad, barking, whenever I get up to leave the room, thinking I am leaving. The only other person he does this with is my niece, so I feel privileged!


  57. sticky, aren’t you a bit worried? I mean, fair enough if the dog barks when you get up to leave, but your iece as well?

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