Author Archive

June 28, 2015

ratty cooks (vol. II)

by ratty
There has been an unprecedented demand, in the form of an email, calling for the pretentious, pseudo-French ratty cooks column to be made into a weekly feature so, this week, fellow gourmets, ratty is going to show you how to make the culinary delight commonly known to the aficianado’s of home cuisine as . . .

June 22, 2015

ratty cooks

by ratty

Hello and welcome to ‘ratty cooks.’

Today my wife took the kids, wished me a two-fingered goodbye and stormed out of left the house.

Don’t go jumping to silly conclusions. This wasn’t the result of any marital strife or friction between us. Oh dear, no. It’s just that she wanted to visit her sister, and she can stay with the bloody old interfering slag until she climbs down off her fucking high horse and comes crawling back to apologise !

June 21, 2015

A Brief History of the British People

by ratty

‘Twas in the annum, circa 200, (or around about then) that a tribe of Nomadic peoples settled and prospered on a mightie terraine in Northerne Englande.

Ffolke-lore has it that one of its inhabitants, an unfortunate of the male sexe in his forth decade, contracted the Devil’s deformitie of what was called ‘MOOBS’ and the settlement became thereafter known as Man-Chester.

In a secluded quarter of this idyllic paradise lived a commune of peoples who, due to their propensitie for consuming anciente, festering porke, had their village named accordingly.

Mightily, the Llorde, in His Mighteousness, visited a plague on them for their dietary transgression, rendering them just two bushels in vertical stature.

He, the chieftain of the Clan, was knowne to alle as NobblySan, the terme meaning . . .  (Censored) . . . who was betrothed to a faire maiden who went by the name of ‘Happy.’

May 22, 2015

Canty Birthday ye Auld Bugger . . .

by ratty

Today, Kimers an’ Gentlemen readers, is th’ occasion ay Duncan’s 94th birthday.

At th’ top ay his present list is a bottle ay scotch, incontinence keks, a zimmer frame and/ur a bathchair.

Guid oan ye, Duncan. Hae a stoatin day.

February 25, 2015

Duncan, this sounds awfully like you !

by ratty
November 3, 2014

Racism gone MAD !

by ratty

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days

October 10, 2014

Wow ! Woo-hoo !

by ratty

I think it’s time for a break from tradition here, and bring your attention to

October 3, 2014

Mad Hatters at the fore . . .

by ratty

What was a Johnny Foreigner bird doing in British Air Space in the first place ?

September 23, 2014

Weel, whit dae ye ken !

by ratty

Headline to a story in the Telegraph (Edition for Expats.)

“Caber tossing from Canada to Australia and beyond”

And yet, Duncan’s lot can only chuck ’em a few yards !

September 17, 2014

YES or NO ?

by ratty

It’s less than 24 hours before Scotland’s residents go to the Voting Booths and have their say on whether Scotland should remain in the Union, or become an Independent country.

Various Opinion Polls have suggested that, give or take, the split ibetween those for or against remaining in the Union is 50/50.

What do you think ?

What is the real vote going to be ?

This is nothing to do with what you wish the outcome to be, but what you realistically believe will be the result.

I’ll start the ball rolling . . .


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