Author Archive

September 20, 2015


by ratty

The deep-throated cock crowed – thrice !

July 19, 2015

Postvocalic Rhoticity

by ratty

I’ve always thought that Duncan was talking out his “R’s.”

July 12, 2015

ratty cooks (Vol. Cuatro)

by ratty

Hello and once again welcome to ratty cooks, a weekly column dedicated to the pursuit of culinary delights from all four corners of the globe, delights that can be replicated in your very own kitchen.

This week your column host is in northern Spain in a simple and unpretentious backstreet situated far from the hustle and bustle of main stream Benidorm with its skyscraper-lined coast and the incessant roar of cement mixers.

It’s 7.30 in the morning and I have arrived at La Restaurante y Bar – “Guillermo Yago Ricardo.”

The reason for my visit to this establishment is to discover the true and authentic recipe for the world reknowned Tortilla Españole (Spanish Omelette) and to facilitate this I had the forethought to previously arrange a meeting with the Proprietor/Chef, a Señor Guillermo.

July 7, 2015

Worried about your Spelling ?

by ratty

Cna yuo raed tihs ?

Olny smoe plepoe can.

July 4, 2015

ratty cooks (Vol. Trois)

by ratty
Bonjour tout le monde. Comment, ça va ?
Welcome once more to the pretentious, pseudo-French ratty cooks weekly column.
To those few visitors as yet unfamiliar with this hugely successful masterpiece of culinary education, I extend un accueil chaleureux.
For those legions of regular fans of this column, it surely must have seemed an interminable wait anticipating volume three. So, without further ado, let’s “Staart Coo-king !”
This week I shall be showing you how to prepare a dish that originates from the northernmost extremity of Britain, Scotland. I like to refer to this tasty concoction as . . .

June 28, 2015

ratty cooks (vol. II)

by ratty
There has been an unprecedented demand, in the form of an email, calling for the pretentious, pseudo-French ratty cooks column to be made into a weekly feature so, this week, fellow gourmets, ratty is going to show you how to make the culinary delight commonly known to the aficianado’s of home cuisine as . . .

June 22, 2015

ratty cooks

by ratty

Hello and welcome to ‘ratty cooks.’

Today my wife took the kids, wished me a two-fingered goodbye and stormed out of left the house.

Don’t go jumping to silly conclusions. This wasn’t the result of any marital strife or friction between us. Oh dear, no. It’s just that she wanted to visit her sister, and she can stay with the bloody old interfering slag until she climbs down off her fucking high horse and comes crawling back to apologise !

June 21, 2015

A Brief History of the British People

by ratty

‘Twas in the annum, circa 200, (or around about then) that a tribe of Nomadic peoples settled and prospered on a mightie terraine in Northerne Englande.

Ffolke-lore has it that one of its inhabitants, an unfortunate of the male sexe in his forth decade, contracted the Devil’s deformitie of what was called ‘MOOBS’ and the settlement became thereafter known as Man-Chester.

In a secluded quarter of this idyllic paradise lived a commune of peoples who, due to their propensitie for consuming anciente, festering porke, had their village named accordingly.

Mightily, the Llorde, in His Mighteousness, visited a plague on them for their dietary transgression, rendering them just two bushels in vertical stature.

He, the chieftain of the Clan, was knowne to alle as NobblySan, the terme meaning . . .  (Censored) . . . who was betrothed to a faire maiden who went by the name of ‘Happy.’

May 22, 2015

Canty Birthday ye Auld Bugger . . .

by ratty

Today, Kimers an’ Gentlemen readers, is th’ occasion ay Duncan’s 94th birthday.

At th’ top ay his present list is a bottle ay scotch, incontinence keks, a zimmer frame and/ur a bathchair.

Guid oan ye, Duncan. Hae a stoatin day.

February 25, 2015

Duncan, this sounds awfully like you !

by ratty

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