Boom Boom (2)
86 Comments to “Boom Boom (2)”
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Several men are in the locker room of a golf club . A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk . Everyone else in the room stops to listen .
MAN : ‘Hello’
WOMAN: ‘Darling, it’s me . Are you at the club?’
MAN: ‘Yes’
WOMAN : ‘I am at the shopping centre now and have found this beautiful leather coat ..
It’s only £1,000 . Is it OK if I buy it?’MAN : ‘Sure, go ahead if you like it that much . ‘
WOMAN : ‘I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 models . I saw one I really liked . ‘
MAN : ‘How much?’
WOMAN : ‘£95,000′
MAN : ‘OK, but for that price I want it with all the options . ‘
WOMAN : ‘Great! Oh, and one more thing . . . the house I wanted last year is back on the market .. They’re asking £ 2,950,000′ for it .
MAN : ‘Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of
£2,800,000 . They will probably take it . If not, we can go the extra £150,000 if it’s really a pretty good price . ‘WOMAN : ‘OK . I’ll see you later! I love you so much!’
MAN : ‘Bye! I love you, too . ‘
The man hangs up . The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape .
He turns and asks: ‘Anyone know who this phone belongs to?’
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When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.She is now an unmarried, single mother with three kids from different
fathers, one of them black.Job done !
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After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that enough was enough, as the social wouldn’t buy them a bigger bed and they weren’t strong enough to nick one.
The husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn’t want to have any more children.
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.
The Scouser said to the doctor, ‘I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don’t see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me.’
‘Trust me, it will do the job’, said the doctor.
So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: ’1, 2, 3, 4, 5,’ at which point he
paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.This procedure also works in Middlesbrough, parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales .
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lol & im not even british
phatty-
Hi phatty,
I guess everyone knows places where that joke would still work.
Cheers!
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personal experience Nobbly?
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Jokes about Jocks (thanks, Ratty)
A pregnant teenage girl phones her dad at midnight and says:
‘Can you come and get me? I think ma water has broken’
‘Okay,’ says her dad. ‘Where are you ringing from?
‘Fae my knickers tae ma feet. ‘A Glasgow woman goes to the dentist and settles down in the chair.
‘Comfy?’asks the dentist.
‘Govan,’ she replies.What did the male Siamese twins from Glasgow call their autobiography
.?
Oor Wullie.A guy walks into an antiques shop and says: ‘How much for the set of antlers?’
‘Two hundred quid,’ says the bloke behind the counter’
‘That’s affa dear,’ says the guy.
‘Aye yer right!’ replies the blokeDid you hear about the fella who liked eating bricks and cement?
He’s awa’ noo.After announcing he’s getting married, a boy tells his pal he’ll be wearing the kilt.
‘And what’s the tartan?’ asks his mate.
‘Oh, she’ll be wearing a white dress,’Ten cows in a field. Which one is closest to Iraq ?
Coo eight.Three wee jobbies sitting on the pavement.
Which one’s a Musketeer?
The dark tan yin.A Scotsman in London is having trouble phoning
his sister from a telephone box. So he
calls the operator who asks in a plummy voice:
‘Is there money in the box?
‘Naw, it’s just me,’ he replies.While getting ready to go out, a wee wifie says to her husband:
‘Do you think I’m getting a wee bit pigeon chested?’
And he says: ‘Aye, but that’s why I love you like a doo.’What was the name of the first Scottish cowboy?
Hawkeye The Noo.What do you call a pigeon that goes to Aviemore for its holidays?
A skean dhu.How many Spanish guys does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just Juan.‘What’s the difference between The Rolling Stones and an Aberdeen sheep farmer?
The Rolling Stones say: ‘Hey you, get off of my cloud.’
And an Aberdeen sheep farmer says: ‘Hey McLeod, get off of ma ewe..‘What do you call an illegitimate Scottish insect?
A wee fly b*****d.Did you hear about the BBC Scotland series that features the queue for the toilets at Waverley Station?
It’s called The Aw’ Needin’ Line.Why was the Chinese restaurant so bad?
Because the chef was Lou Ping.While being interviewed for a job as a bus driver, a guy is asked:
‘What would you do if you had a rowdy passenger?’ ‘I’d put him off at
the next stop,’ he says. ‘Good. And what would you do if you couldn’t
get the fare?’ ‘I’d take the first two weeks in August,’ he replies.Two negatives make a positive but only in Scotland do two positives make a negative – ‘Aye right.’
A Glasgow man – steaming and skint – is walking down Argyle Street when he spots a guy tinkering with the engine of his car!
‘What’s up Jimmy?’ he asks.
‘Piston broke,’ he replies
‘Aye, same as masel… -
A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source.
He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads: Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827. Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward! Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him.
By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music ha s changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.
Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.
By the next day the word has spread and a throng has gathered around the grave. They are all listening to the Second Symphony being played backward.
Just then the graveyard’s caretaker ambles up to the group. Someone in the crowd asks him if he has an explanation for the music.
“Oh, it’s nothing to worry about” says the caretaker. . .
“He’s just decomposing!”
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Dear Deirdre,
I have never written to you before, but I really need your advice.I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on
me. The usual signs; phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up.
My wife has been going out with ‘the girls’ a lot recently although
when I ask their names she always says, just some friends from work,
you don’t know them.I try to stay awake and look out for her when she comes home, but I
usually fall asleep. Anyway, I have never approached the subject with
my wife. I think deep down I just did not want to know the truth, but
last night she went out again and I decided to finally check on her.
Around midnight, I hid in the garage behind my golf clubs so I could
get a good view of the whole street when she arrived home from a night
out with ‘the girls.’When she got out of the car she was buttoning up her blouse, and she
took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that
moment, crouching behind my golf clubs, that I noticed a hairline crack
where the grip meets the graphite shaft on my 3-wood.Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the pro-
shop where I bought it? -
An elderly couple had been dating each other for a long time.
At the urging of their friends, they decided it was finally time for marriage.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work.
They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
‘How do you feel about sex?’ he asked, rather trustingly.
‘Well,’ she said, responding very carefully, ‘I’d have to say . . . I would like it infrequently. ‘
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then over his glasses, he looked her in the eye and casually asked . . .
‘Is that one word or two?’
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Two blonde girls were working for the Sydney City Council Parks Department. One would dig a hole and the other girl would follow behind her and fill the hole in.
They worked up one side of the street, then down the other side, before moving on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a hole, the other girl filling the hole in again, then moving on.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but had absolutely no idea what they were doing. So he asked the hole-digger, “I’m impressed by all the hard effort you two are putting into your work, but I don’t get it – why do you dig the holes, only to have your partner follow behind you and fill it up again?”
The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, “Well, I suppose it looks odd because we’re normally a three person team, but the girl who plants the trees called in sick.”
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A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains
without water.
His horse has already died of thirst.
He’s crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his
last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of
the sand several yards ahead of him.
He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers
what looks to be an old brief case.
He opens it and out pops a genie.
But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing a Tax Office ID badge and a dull grey dress. There’s a calculator in her pocket-book. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear. ‘Well, cowboy,’ says the genie… ‘You know how I work. You have three wishes.
”I’m not falling for this.’ said the cowboy. ‘I’m not going to trust an Tax Office genie.
”What do you have to lose? You’ve got no transportation, and it
looks like you’re a gonner anyway!’ The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right.
‘OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink.
‘***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he
has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters
of delicacies.
‘OK, cowpoke, what’s your second wish.
”My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams.
‘***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests
filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
‘OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good
one!’
After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says… ‘I wish that
no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me.’
***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there’s going to be a string
attached -
Some great ones here!
Here’s my poor effort:
Q – What’s the first sign of madness?
A – Suggs coming up your driveway! -
Funny – you have to be of a certain generation to appreciate it though and I think Duncan and nobbly are just too old!
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Oi! I heard that.
(I’ve just had my hearing aid serviced!)
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Will I look thick if I ask what “Suggs” are?
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Yes !!!
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Oi!
Too old?
Cheeky cow !!!
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Sorry, I suppose only people in the UK and Europe may have heard of the 1980s group, Madness. Suggs was their lead singer.
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Should have let her stew a bit longer, BR
I suppose she’s too young to have heard of Dave Dee, Dozy, Beaky, Mick, and Titch, too – so the news of Dave Dee dying of cancer will mean nothing to her
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I’ll have you know that I was three of that band…
…Dozy, Mick and Titch all rolled into one.
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In case you haven’t read about the flamboyant colo-proctologist…
Well there was this man who had swallowed his glass eye.
He visited a renowned colo-proctologist to have it retrieved. For a handsome fee the specialist promised he would have it out in a jiffy with his special cameras. As it was too late to get it out of the top end, he would reach for it through the other.
The man was taken to the OR – duly positioned and prepped. The flamboyant surgeon (I do not know why I always picture him like a Gilderoy Lockhart) scrubbed, gowned and masked.
With a flourish he had the scope reaching the depths of the man’s colon. He looked into the eyepiece and duly …
… fainted.When he came around his admirers asked what had happened – and the great surgeon stuttered, “all my life I have been looking up patients’ rectums – this was the first time a rectum was looking down at me”.
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The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor is not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
“Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”
“I’m a great gambler and I can prove it,” says Grandpa.
The auditor thinks for a moment,& says, “Okay. Go ahead.”
Grandpa says, ‘bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”
The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.
Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”
The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness.
He starts to get nervous. “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk and pee into that wastebasket on the other side and never get a drop anywhere in between.”
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy can possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants. Although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.
“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and you’d be happy about it
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Four guys were playing their weekly game of golf………..
One remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.
His buddies all chimed in and said, ‘Let’s do it! We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.’
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, ‘Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.’
Number 2 guy says, ‘It cost me an arm and a leg, too. My wife is at home planning a cruise. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.’
Number 3 guy says, ‘Well. my wife is at home admiring her new car. Reading the manual.’
They all turned to the fourth guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds. ‘I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf’ …
She said, ‘Take a sweater. It’ll be cold.’
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A guy with a 25-inch dick went to a doctor and said, ‘I can’t live with this anymore! It’s too long.’
The doctor replied, ‘I can’t do anything for you, but if you see the witch doctor in the forest, she can help you.’
So, he went to the forest and saw the witch doctor. The witch doctor said, ‘Go into the swamp and you will find a female frog there.
Ask her to marry you..she’ll say ‘No’.. and you’ll lose 5 inches off your member!’
So, he went to the swamp and found the frog and asked her,’Will you marry me?’
‘No!’, she said. He lost 5 inches off his member!
The guy liked the results, and thought, 20 inches is just too much. So he asked the frog again, ‘Will you marry me?’
The frog said, ‘No!’
And the guy lost another 5 inches.
He thought, God, 15 inches is great! But 10 inches would just be perfect.
So he asked again, ‘Will you marry me?’
And the frog said, ‘How many times do I have to tell you…No! No! No!…’
Moral of the Story: Know when to quit!
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IRISH MEDICAL DICTIONARY
Artery……………………. The study of paintings.
Bacteria………………….. Back door to cafeteria.
Barium……………………. What doctors do when patients die.
Benign……………………. What you be, after you be eight.
Caesarean Section……………A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………………… Searching for Kitty.
Cauterize…………………. Made eye contact with her.
Colic…………………….. A sheep dog.
Coma……………………… A punctuation mark.
Dilate……………………. To live long.
Enema…………………….. Not a friend.
Fester……………………. Quicker than someone else.
Fibula……………………. A small lie.
Impotent………………….. Distinguished, well known.
Labour Pain…………………Getting hurt at work.
Medical Staff……………….A Doctor’s cane.
Morbid……………………. A higher offer.
Nitrates………………….. Cheaper than day rates.
Node……………………… I knew it.
Outpatient………………… A person who has fainted.
Pelvis……………………. Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative…………….. A letter carrier.
Recovery Room……………….Place to do upholstery.
Rectum……………………. Nearly killed him.
Secretion…………………. Hiding something.
Seizure…………………… Roman emperor. -
1. Don’t imagine you can change a man unless he’s in diapers.
2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.
3. If they put a man on the moon — they should be able to put them all up there.
4. Never let your man’s mind wander — it’s too little to be out alone.
5. Go for younger men. You might as well, they never mature anyway.
6. Men are all the same — they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.
7. Definition of a bachelor; a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
8. Women don’t make fools of men — most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
9. Best way to get a man to do something, is to suggest they are too old for it.
10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn’t ask for directions.
13. If he asks what sort of books you’re interested in, tell him checkbooks.
14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.
15. Sadly, all men are created equal.
Author Unknown
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I love No12.
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Last week was my birthday and I didn’t feel very well waking up on that morning.
I went downstairs for breakfast hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, ‘Happy Birthday!’, and possibly have a small present for me.
As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone ‘Happy Birthday.’
I thought…Well, that’s marriage for you.
But the kids….They will remember.
They came bounding down stairs to breakfast – and didn’t say a word!
So when I left for work, I felt really low and somewhat despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Jane said, ‘Good Morning Ratty, and by the way Happy Birthday ! ‘
It felt a little better that at least someone had remembered.
I worked until one o’clock, when Jane knocked on my door and said, ‘You know Ratty, It’s such a beautiful day outside, and as it’s your Birthday, what say we go out to lunch, just you and me.’
I said, ‘Thanks, Jane, that’s the best thing I’ve heard all day.’
‘Let’s go!’
We went to lunch. But we didn’t go where we normally would go.
She chose instead a quiet bistro with a private table. We had two drinks each and I enjoyed the meal tremendously.
On the way back to the office, Jane said, ‘You know, It’s such a beautiful day…We don’t need to go straight back to the office, Do we?’
I replied, ‘I suppose not. What do you have in mind?’
She said, ‘Let’s drop by my apartment, it’s just around the corner.’
After arriving at her apartment, Jane turned to me and, with a mischievous glint in her eye said, “if you don’t mind, I’m going to step into the bedroom for just a moment. I promise not to be too long.
‘Ok.’ I nervously replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she came out carrying a huge birthday cake …
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends and work mates, all singing ‘Happy Birthday’.
And I just sat there…
On the sofa…
Naked.
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Joe had suffered from blinding headaches for 20 years, and after all efforts to cure him had failed, he saw an expensive Harley St. specialist.
The doctor said, ‘Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.’Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, ‘That’s what I need… A new suit to start off my new image and my new life’
He entered the shop and told the salesman, ‘I’d like a new suit.’
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, ‘Let’s see… size 44 long.’
Joe laughed, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years!’ the tailor said.
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, ‘How about a new shirt?’
Joe thought for a moment and then said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman eyed Joe and said, ‘Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.’
Joe was surprised, ‘That’s right, how did you know?’
‘Been in the business 60 years.’
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, ‘How about some new underwear?’
Joe thought for a moment and said, ‘Sure.’
The salesman said, ‘Let’s see… size 36.
Joe laughed, ‘Ah ha! I got you!I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.’The salesman shook his head, ‘You can’t wear a size 34.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.’
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FBI JOB
The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews and testing were done, there were 3 finalists; two men and a woman. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. ‘We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!!’ The man said, ’You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife.’
The agent said, ‘Then you’re not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.’ The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, ’I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.’ The agent said, ’You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife home.’ Finally, it was the woman’s turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They also heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet.
The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. Wiping the sweat from her brow. ‘This gun is loaded with blanks’ she said. ‘I had to beat him to death with the chair.’MORAL: Women are crazy. Don’t mess with them.
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A woman and a baby were in the doctor’s examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby’s first exam.
The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed.
‘Breast-fed,’ she replied.
‘Well, strip down to your waist,’ the doctor ordered.
She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.
Motioning to her to get dressed, the doctor said, ‘No wonder this baby is underweight. You don’t have any milk.’
I know,’ she said, ‘I’m his Grandma,
but I’m glad I came.’ -
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one…
===============Customer: Hi, this is Maureen. I can’t get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it’s really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn’t sound good; I’ll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute… I hadn’t inserted it yet… it’s still on my desk.. sorry….===============
Tech support: Click on the ‘my computer’ icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello… I can’t print.
Tech support: Would you click on ‘start’ for me and.
Customer: Listen pal; don’t start getting technical on me! I’m not Bill Gates.===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can’t print. Every time I try, it says ‘Can’t find printer’. I’ve even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can’t find it…
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red…
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah……………….thank you.===============
Tech support: What’s on your monitor now, ma’am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at Woolies.===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it’s plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can’t get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer:! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there’s another one here. Ah…that one does work…===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter ‘a’ as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?== =============
Customer: can’t get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I’m sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That’s not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry…Internet Explorer.===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I’m writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter ‘a’ in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: ‘No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.’===============
And last but not least…
Tech support: ‘Okay Colin, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P ‘ to bring up the Program Manager.’
Customer: I don’t have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: ‘P’…..on your keyboard, Colin.
Customer: I’M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!! -
MARINES
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted
by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely
young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the
Sergeant Major for conversation.
‘Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is
something bothering you?’
‘Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.’
The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It looks
like you have seen a lot of action.’
‘Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.’
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, ‘You
know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally
the young lady said, ‘You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong
way, but when is the last time you had sex?’
‘ 1955, ma’am.’
‘Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to
chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a
private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and
said,
‘Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.’
The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his
watch, ‘I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.’ -
He Said, She Said
He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?He said . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . …….That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!He said . … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said. …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!He said . ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said.. ….. They don’t have timeHe said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said.. . We don’t know; it has never happened.He said …What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
She said. . . A widow.He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said. .. Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge. -
Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.
The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
3 . Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
8. Gargoyle (n), olive-flavored mouthwash.
9. Flatulence (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question in an exam.
12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.
14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.
15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.
16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
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The Washington Post’s Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.
Here are this year’s winners:
1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.
3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.
5. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn’t get it.
6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.
7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.
8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)
9. Karmageddon (n): its like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it’s like, a serious bummer.
10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.
11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.
12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.
15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you’re eating.
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The French President is sitting in his office when his telephone rings.
‘Hallo, Mr. Sarkozy!’ a heavily accented voice said. ‘This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare , Ireland .. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you! We voted to reject the Lisbon treaty!’‘Well, Paddy,’ Sarkozy replied, ‘This is indeed important news! How big is your army?’
‘Right now,’ says Paddy, after a moment’s calculation, ‘there is myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eleven!’
Sarkozy paused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command.’
‘Begorra!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to ring you back.’
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!’
‘And what equipment would that be Paddy?’ Sarkozy asks.
‘Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy’s farm tractor.’
Sarkozy sighs amused. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armoured personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to
150,000 since we last spoke.’‘Saints preserve us!’ says Paddy. ‘I’ll have to get back to you.’
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. ‘Mr. Sarkozy, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin’s ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!’Sarkozy was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. ‘I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!’
Saints preserve us again!!! says Paddy, ‘I will have to ring you back.’
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. ‘Top o’ the mornin’, Mr. Sarkozy! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war.’
‘Really? I am sorry to hear that,’ says Sarkozy. ‘Why the sudden change of heart?’
‘Well,’ says Paddy, ‘we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness and packets of crisps, and we decided there is no way we can feed 200,000 prisoners!!!!!.’
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I was having trouble with my computer. So I called Richard, the 11 year old next door whose bedroom looks like Mission Control, and asked him to come over.
Richard clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem almost immediately.
As he was walking away, I called after him, ‘So, what was wrong?
He replied, ‘It was an ID ten T operator error.’
I didn’t want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired –
‘An, ID Ten T operator error?
What’s that? In case I need to fix it again.’
Richard grinned. ‘Haven’t you ever heard of an ID ten T operator error before?”
No,’ I replied.
‘Write it down,’ he said, ‘and I think you’ll figure it out.’
So I wrote down: I D 1 0 T
I used to like the little shit.
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Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married.She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Shiela to stand and unbutton her blouse, he embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, nuzzled her nipples till they stood erect and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.
Her face was deeply flushed and she panted softly. Sheila shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to Barry and said, ‘This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?’
Barry thought for a moment and replied, ‘Well, I can drop her off here Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf. Can you pick her up?’
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Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn’t have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said ‘Hang on, I have an idea.’
He went next door to the butcher’s shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said ‘Are you crazy? Now we don’t have any money at all!’
Murphy replied, ‘Don’t worry – just follow me.’
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whiskey.
Seamus said ‘Now you’ve lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven’t got any money!!’
Murphy replied, with a smile. ‘Don’t worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ‘
They downed their drinks. Murphy said, ‘OK, I’ll stick the sausage through my zipper and you get on your knees and put it in your mouth.’
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At about the tenth pub Seamus said “Murphy – I don’t think I can do any more of this. I’m so drunk and me knees are killing me!”
Murphy said, ‘How do you think I feel? I’m so drunk I can’t even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.’
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A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he’d like a drink.
He replied in disgust, ‘I’d rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!’
Paddy handed his drink back and said: ‘Me too, I didn’t know we had a choice!’Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks: ‘How many people are flying with you?’
Paddy replies: ‘I don’t know! It’s your f***ing plane!!’Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, ‘I’m gonna have the day off, I’m gonna pretend I’m mad!’
He climbs up the rafters , hangs upside down and shouts: ‘I’M A LIGHTBULB! I’M A LIGHTBULB!’ Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts: ‘Paddy you’re mad, go home’ So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
‘Where the hell are you going?’ asks the Foreman.
‘I can’t work in the friggin dark!’ says Murphy.Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says ‘I wonder how the girls are getting on’
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and says ‘You know what I want don’t you?’
‘Yeah,’ says Paddy. ‘The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!’Paddy the electrician got sacked from the US prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!
Paddy and his wife are lying in bed and the neighbour’s dog is barking like mad in the garden. Paddy says ‘To hell with this!’ and storms off.
He comes back upstairs five minutes later and his wife asks, ‘What did you do?’
Paddy replies, ‘I’ve put the dog in our garden, lets see how they like it!’Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue. ‘Be Jeysus!’ he said, ‘I didn’t even know they had mobile phones!’
Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery. Mick say ‘Crikey! There’s a bloke here who was 152!’
Paddy says ‘What’s his name?’
Mick replies ‘Miles from London!’ -
We’d better stop this now, or Bog Raver will be getting a bit narked with us.
Do you have any good Scots jokes that we could annoy Duncan and half of me (on my Mum’s side) with?
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A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint. The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening. The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.
“Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?” he asked.
To which the barman replied “They’re waiting for Happy Hour”.
-
Oh, I forgot…
BOOM-BOOM !
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A couple, both well into their 80s, go to a sex therapist’s office.
The doctor asks, ‘What can I do for you?
The man says, ‘Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?’The doctor raises both eyebrows , but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, ‘There’s absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse.’
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them £50, and says goodbye.
The next week, however, the couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again.
The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor then leaves.
Finally, after 5 or 6 weeks of this routine, the doctor says, ‘I’m sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?’
The old man says, ‘We’re not trying to find out anything.She’s married and we can’t go to her house. I’m married and we can’t go to my house.
Travelodge charge £93. The Hilton charges £139. We do it here for £50,…..
and I get £43 back from BUPA.’
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Best Divorce Letter, everrrr!
Dear wife:I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever.
I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for
it.
These last 2 weeks have been hell.Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that wa
s the
last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new
haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of
silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after
watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you
don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either
you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case,
I’m gone.Your EX-Husband
P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West
Virginia together! Have a great life!Dear Ex-Husband
Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter.
It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is
a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they
drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I
DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that
came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me
not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment.
And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused
with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those
new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag
was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had
just borrowed $50 from me20that morning.After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So
when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us
2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone. Everything
happens for a reason, I guess.I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said
that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me.So take care.
Signed,
Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free!P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born
Carl.I hope that’s not a problem.
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A chicken farmer went to a local bar…. Sat next
to a woman and ordered a glass of champagne..The woman perks up and says, ‘How about that? I
just ordered a glass of champagne, too!’‘What a coincidence’ the farmer says. ‘This is a
special day for me…. I am celebrating’‘This is a special day for me too, I am also
celebrating!’ says the woman.‘What a coincidence!’ says the farmer! As they
clinked glasses the man asked, ‘What are you
celebrating?’‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child
and today my gynecologist told me that I am
pregnant!’‘What a coincidence,’ says the man.. ‘I’m a chicken
farmer and for years all of my hens were infertile,
but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.’‘That’s great!’ says the woman. ‘How did your
chickens become fertile?’‘I used a different cock,’ he replied.
The woman smiled and said, ‘What a coincidence.’
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One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair, he has his first meeting with the devil…
Satan: ‘Why so glum?’
Guy: ‘What do you think? I’m in hell!’
Satan: ‘Hell’s not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?’
Guy: ‘Sure, I love to drink.’
Satan: ‘Well, you’re gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that’s all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca. We drink ’til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don’t have to worry about getting a hangover, because you’re dead anyway.’
Guy: ‘Gee that sounds great!’
Satan: ‘You a smoker?’
Guy: ‘You better believe it’
Satan: ‘All right! You’re gonna love Tuesdays We get the finest cigars from all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer, no biggie, you’re already dead, remember?’
Guy: ‘Wow…that’s awesome!’
Satan: ‘I bet you like to gamble.’
Guy: ‘Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.’
Satan: ‘Good, ’cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it doesn’t matter, you’re dead anyhow.’
Guy: ‘Cool!’
Satan: ‘What about drugs?’
Guy: ‘Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don’t mean…?’
Satan: ‘That’s right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want. You’re dead so who cares.’
Guy: ‘Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!’
Satan: ‘You gay?’
Guy: ‘No…’
Satan: ‘Oooo, Fridays are gonna be tough…’
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A German guy approaches a lady of the night.
‘I vish to buy sex viz you.’
‘OK,’ says the girl, ‘I’ll charge £20 an hour.’
‘..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky.’
‘No problem,’ she replies cautiously, ‘I can do little kinky.’
So off they go to the girl’s flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.‘I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees.’
The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.
‘Now you vill get on your hans und knees.’
She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.
‘You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you.’
She finds it odd, but figures it’s harmless (and the guy is paying.) She finds the sex is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes before she has enough breath to say,
‘That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?’
‘Ah,’ says the German . . .’zat is ze….
Four-sprung Duck technique
-
The US Navy found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus. They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body.. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.
The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.
The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.
The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Chief who, when asked where he would like to be measured replied, ‘From the tip of my weenie to my testicles.’
It was suggested by the pension man that he might want to reconsider, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two Officers had received.
But the old Chief insisted and they decided to go along with him providing the measurement was taken by a Medical Officer.
The Medical Officer arrived and instructed the Chief to ‘drop ‘em,’ which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the Chief’s weenie and began to work back.
‘Dear Lord!’ he suddenly exclaimed, ‘Where are your testicles?’
The old Chief calmly replied, ‘ Vietnam’.
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A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, ‘How can I help you?’ The farmer said, ‘I want to get one of them dayvorces.’
The lawyer said, ‘Do you have any grounds?’ The farmer said, ‘Yes, I got 40 acres’. The lawyer said, ‘No, No, you don’t understand, Do you have a suit?
The farmer said, ‘Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sundays.’
The lawyer said, ‘No, no, I mean, do you have a case?’
The farmer said, ‘No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.The lawyer said, ‘No, I mean, do you have a grudge?’
The farmer said,’Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks the John Deere’The lawyer said, ‘Does your wife beat you up or something?’ The farmer said, ‘No, we both get up at 4:30.’
By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question ..
The lawyer said, ‘Is your wife a nagger?’
The farmer said, ‘No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a
dayvorce.’ -
A woman’s husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to consciousness, he motioned for her to come nearer.
As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears -
“You know what? You have been with me through all the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side… You know what?”
“What dear”, she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
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“I think you’re bad luck.”
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A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his Tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The cowboy said, “What the heck, bring me an order.”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.”
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, “These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.”
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, “Si, Senor.
…Sometimes the bull wins.”
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A rich man living in Darwin , Australia decided that he wanted to throw a
party and invited all of his buddies and neighbours He also invited Colin,
the only aborigine in the neighbourhood.He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his Mansion.
Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating Prawns, oysters
and BBQ and flirting.At the height of the party, the host said, ‘I have a 15ft man-eating
crocodile in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the
balls to jump in.. .’The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and
everyone turned around and saw Colin in the pool fighting the croc and
kicking its ass, jabbing the croc in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing
punches, doing all kinds of stuff, like head butts and chokeholds, biting
the croc on the tail And flipping the croc through the air like some kind of
Judo Instructor.The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Colin and the croc
were screaming and raising hell.Finally Colin strangled the croc and let it float to the top like a
Goldfish.Colin then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him
in disbelief.Finally the host says, ‘Well, Colin, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.’
Nah, you all right boss, I don’t want it,’ said Colin.
The rich man said, ‘Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet.
How about half a million bucks then?’
“No thanks I don’t want it,’ answered Colin.
The host said, ‘Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing.How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?
Again, Colin said no.
Confused, the rich man asked, ‘Well Colin, then what do you Want?
Colin said, ‘I want the bastard who pushed me in the f*ckin pool!’
-
A SIGN OF THE TIMES
A florist goes to a barber for a haircut. After the cut he
asked about his bill and the barber replies,
‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
The florist was pleased and left the shop.When the barber goes to open his shop the next morning there is a ‘thankyou’ card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies, ‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The cop is happy and leaves the shop.
The next morning when the barber goes to open up there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at
his door.Later that day, a college professor comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replies,
‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’ The professor is very happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber opens his shop, there is a ‘thank you’ card and a dozen different books,
such as ‘How to Improve Your Business’ and ‘Becoming More Successful.’
Then, a Member of Parliament comes in for a haircut , and when he goes to pay his bill the barber again replies,
‘I cannot accept money from you. I’m doing community service this week.’
The Member of Parliament is very happy and leaves the shop.The next morning when the barber goes to open up, there are a dozen Members of Parliament lined up waiting
for a free haircut.And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference
between the citizens of our country and the Members of Parliament.
VOTE CAREFULLY THIS YEAR!!! -
A funeral service is being held for a woman who had a reputation of being a bit of a nag.
At the end of the service the pallbearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into the wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan and on opening the casket they find the woman is still alive.
The woman lived for a further 10 years, then died peacefully in her sleep.
A funeral service is held at the same church as previously,
As the pallbearers are carrying the coffin out at the end of the ceremony the anguished husband cries out . . .
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Watch the f*cken wall !!!
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THE LOVING HUSBAND
A man had two of the best tickets for the FA Cup Final.
As he sits down, another man comes along and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him.
“No”, he says, “the seat is empty.”
“This is incredible!” said the man, “who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the FA Cup Final, the biggest sporting event of the year, and not use it?”He says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven’t been to together since we got married.”
“Oh… I’m sorry to hear that. That’s terrible. I guess you couldn’t find someone else, a friend or relative or even a neighbour to take the seat?”
The man shakes his head… “No. They’re all at the funeral.”
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The Salvation Army realised that it had never
received a donation from Glasgow’s most successful
lawyer. So a Salvation Army volunteer paid the lawyer a
visit in his lavish city office.The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, ‘Our research
shows that even though your annual income is over two million
pounds, you don’t give a penny to charity. Wouldn’t
you like to give something back to your community through
the Salvation Army ?’The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, ‘First, did
your research also show you that my mother is dying after
a long, painful illness and she has huge medical bills that
are far beyond her ability to pay?’Embarrassed, the Salvation Army rep mumbles, ‘Uh…
no, I didn’t know that.’‘Secondly, ‘ says the lawyer, ‘my brother,
a disabled Iraqi war veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair
and is unable to support his wife and their six children.’The stricken Salvation Army rep begins to stammer an apology,
but is cut off again. ‘Thirdly, did your research also
show you that my sister’s husband died in dreadful
car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and
three children, one of whom is disabled and another that
has learning disabilities requiring an array of private
tutors?’The humiliated Salvation Army rep, completely beaten,
says, ‘I’m so sorry, I had no idea.’And the lawyer says, ‘So…if I didn’t give any
money to them, what the fuck makes you think I’d give
any to you? -
SWINE ‘FLU
Just phoned the NHS swine flu helpline and all I got was crackling.
How did the pig go on holiday?
The swine fluSwine flu isn’t a problem for pigs because they’re all going to be cured anyway.
The first sign of pig flu is that you come out in nasty rashers.
If you want a clear train carriage on the way into work this week, just start coughing loudly and exclaiming ?Iválgame dios!? in a Mexican accent.
Swine flu is getting serious, it has been reported to be a hamdemic, which may lead to an aporkolypse… But we’ll get through. Where there’s a swill there’s a way.
This little piggy went to market,
This little piggy stayed at home,
This little piggy had roast beef,
This little piggy had none.
And this little piggy had influenza, A virus subtype hemagglutinin protein 1 neuraminidase protein 1.The only known cure for Swine Flu has been found to be the liberal application of oinkment.
My friend says he’s got swine flu, but I think he’s telling porkies.
I have to say, I’m finding all these jokes about swine flu pretty boaring.
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An 60-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,’how do you stay in such great physical condition?’
I’m Italian and I am a golfer,’ says the old guy, ‘and that’s why I’m in such good shape. I’m up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.’
‘Well’ says the doctor, ‘I’m sure that helps, but there’s got to be more to it. How old was your Father when he died?’
‘Who said my Father’s dead?’
The doctor is amazed. ‘You mean you’re 60 years old and your Father’s still alive. How old is he?’
‘He’s 80 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.’ In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that’s why he’s still alive. He’s Italian and he’s a golfer, too.’
‘Well,’ the doctor says, ‘that’s great, but I’m sure there’s more to it than that. How about your Father’s Father? How old was he when he died?’
‘Who said he’s dead?’
Stunned, the doctor asks, ‘you mean you’re 60 years old and your grandfather’s still living! Incredible, how old is he?’
‘He’s 98 years old,’ says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, ‘So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?’
‘No, he couldn’t go this morning because he’s getting married today.’
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. ‘Getting married!! Why would an 98 year-old guy want to get married?’
‘Who said he wanted to?’
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A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, ‘Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?’
The father, surprised, answers, ‘Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s boobs are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions’.
‘Onions?’
‘Yes, you see them and they make you cry.’
This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, ‘Mom, how many kinds of ‘willies’ are there?’
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, ‘Well dear, a man goes through three phases also. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree’.
‘A Christmas tree?’ ‘
Yes — dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration
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A man met a beautiful blonde lady and decided he wanted to marry her right away.
She said, ‘But we don’t know anything about each other.’
He said, ‘That’s all right, we’ll learn about each other as we go along.’
So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a very nice resort.
One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and
did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position,
at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife.After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel.
She said, ‘That was incredible!’
He said, ‘I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we’d learn more about each other as we went along.’
So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing lengths.
After seventy-five lengths she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath.
He said, ‘That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?’
‘No,’ she said, ‘I was a prostitute in Newcastle but I worked both sides of the Tyne ‘.
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Three men married wives from different countries. The first man married a woman from China. He told her that she was to do their dishes and house cleaning. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from Italy. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a girl from Ireland. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
Don’t you just love Irish women.
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Hi Colin,
Good to see you again.
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I’ve been nipping in and out. I have a new blog, btw. It’s thissedentarylife.wordpress.com Check it out!
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Woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat
“I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache,
I do not have a headache.”
It worked! The headaches are all gone.”
The husband replies, “Well, that’s wonderful.”
His wife then says, “You know, you haven’t exactly been a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don’t you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?”
The husband agrees to try it
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom.
He puts her on the bed and says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.” He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later, jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.
His wife says, “Boy, that was wonderful!”
The husband says, “Don’t move! I’ll be right back.”
He goes back Into the bathroom, comes back and round two is even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.
Her husband again says, “Don’t move, I’ll be right back.”
With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,
“She’s not my Wife,
She’s Not my wife,
She’s not my wife…”
His funeral service will be held on Friday.
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How To Shower Like a Woman
Take off clothes and place them sectioned in laundry
basket according to lights and darks.
Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown.
If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.
Look at your womanly physique in the mirror – make mental note to
do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc.
Get in the shower.
Use face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins.
Wash your hair again to make sure it’s clean.
Condition your hair with grapefruit mint conditioner enhanced.
Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red.
Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair.
Shave armpits and legs.
Turn off shower.
Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower.
Spray mold spots with Tile cleaner.
Get out of shower.
Dry with towel the size of a small country.
Wrap hair in super absorbent towel.
Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see partner along the way, cover up any exposed areas.How To Shower Like a Man
Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
Walk naked to the bathroom.
If you see partner along the way, shake willy at her making the ‘woo-woo’ sound.
Look at your manly physique in the mirror.
Admire the size of your willy and scratch your bum.
Get in the shower.
Wash your face.
Wash your armpits.
Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower.
Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your bum, leaving those coarse bum hairs stuck on the soap.
Wash your hair.
Make a Shampoo Mohican
Wee.
Rinse off and get out of shower.
Partially dry off.
Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of bath the whole time.
Admire willy size in mirror again.
Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist.
If you pass partner, pull off towel, shake willy at her and make the ‘woo-woo’ sound again.
Throw wet towel on bed.-
Nobbly, I’ve only just seen this.
I can’t remember the last time I laughed so hard.
My face is wet with tears!
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Yossel the Hassid is in London on business. It’s now one hour to shabbos and he’s all dressed up in his shabbos clothes ready to go to a local synagogue
He takes the lift to the ground floor and walks towards the exit, as he reaches the reception area he sees a stunning British Airways hostess with blond hair and a face and figure you could die for. She has just checked in. As soon as she sees Yossel, she stops in her tracks and walks quickly over to him.
“Hello,” she says to him.”Hello to you too,” he says..
“I have a confession to make,” she says.
“What is it?” he asks.
“I have a sexual fantasy,” she says.
“Nu, so go on,” he says.
“I’ve always wanted to be with a Hassidic man.
I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks,
run my hands over his tzitzis and my fingers through his beard,
play with his peyess, eat kichel with him, poke my finger in his pupik,
remove his gatkes, play with his schlong and then shtup.
So I want you to join me now. I have a room upstairs just waiting for us. What do you say?”
Yossel looks at her thoughtfully and says……………
“And what’s in it for me?”
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Yay!
Two belters in a row . . !
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A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks. The husband, although very much in love, couldn’t wait to go to the pub to have apint with his old mates.
So, he said to his new wife, ‘Honey, I’ll be right back.’
‘Where are you going, honey bunch?’ asked the wife..
‘I’m going to the pub, pretty face. I’m going to have a beer.’
The wife said, ‘You want a beer, my love?’
She went and opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany , Holland , Japan , India ,etc.
The husband didn’t know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, ‘Yes, lolly pop…but at the pub…you know…they have frozen glasses…’
He didn’t get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying,
‘You want a frozen glass, puppy face?’
She took a huge glass out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.
The husband, looking a bit pale, said, ‘Yes, tootsie roll, but at the pub they have those hors d’oeuvres that are really delicious… I won’t be long, I’ll be right back I promise. OK?’
You want hors d’oeuvres, poochi pooh?’ She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d’oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.
‘But my sweet honey… At the pub… You know…there’s swearing, dirty words and all that…’
‘You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your fucking beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherfucking snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren’t fucking going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?’
So he stayed home………….
……..and, they lived happily ever after.-
I can never hear that joke too much …. it’s just brilliant!
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That’s a very diplomatic way of saying “Heard it before!!”
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So, do I get full marks for diplomacy?
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Some politically incorrect jokes received in an email this morning
Two Asian heroin addicts have injected themselves with curry powder by mistake – both are in intensive care..
One has a dodgy tikka and the other one is in a korma.
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During last night’s high winds an African family were killed by a falling tree.
A spokesman for Birmingham City Council said ‘We didn’t even know they were living up there’.
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Somalian Minorities in the UK have complained that there is not enough television shows with minorities in mind, so Crimewatch is being shown 5 times a week now.
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I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger haired kid, with two friends?
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I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a steam train.
He was chuffed to bits.
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I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”
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Duuncan, we have hooted at this collection of nonPC crackers. Thanks for a good start to the day.
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A year five teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg, ‘E-G-G’.
‘Very good,’ says the teacher.Peter says he had toast. ‘T-O-A-S-T’.
‘Excellent’ she replies.Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly asks him what he had.
‘I had fuck all’, he says. ‘F-U-C-K A-L-L’.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of Canada. Peter is able to tell her which ocean is off Canada ‘s east coast.
When it’s Johnny’s turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question that he won’t be able to answer.
Johnny, she says, ‘Where is the Pakistani border?’
Johnny ponders the question and finally says. ‘The Pakistani boarder is in bed with my mum. That’s why I had fuck all for breakfast.’
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Only just found this nobbly, wonderfully naughty…
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A husband and wife are shopping in their local Asda. The husband picks up a case of Stella and puts it in their trolley.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the wife.
‘They’re on sale, only £10 for 24 cans,’ he replies.
‘Put them back, we can’t afford them,’ demands the wife, and so they carry on shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a £20 jar of face cream and puts it in the basket.
‘What do you think you’re doing?’ asks the husband.
‘Its my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,’ replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: ‘So does 24 cans of Stella and it’s half the price.’
On the P A system: ‘Cleanup on aisle 25, we have a husband down.’ -
Dennis Penberthy, an elderly Cornish farmer, received a letter from the Department for Work & Pensions, stating that they suspected he was not paying his employees enough and they would send an inspector to interview them.
On the appointed day, the inspector turned up.
“Tell me about your staff,” he asked Penberthy.
“Well,” said Penberthy, “there’s the farm hand. I pay him £240 a week, and he has a free cottage. Then there’s the housekeeper. She gets £190 a week, along with free board and
lodging. There’s also the half-wit. He works a 16 hour day, does 90% of the work, earns about £25 a week, along with a bottle of gin every week,and, occasionally, gets to sleep with my wife.”“That’s who I want to talk to,” said the inspector, “the half-wit.”
“That’ll be me then,” said Penberthy.
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funny AND true…
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Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”
Vet: “Is it a tom?”
Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and, as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words “she were thine” engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral. True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it’s been engraved “she were thin”. He explodes – “’ell man, you’ve left the “e” out, you’ve left the “e” out!
The stone mason apologises and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason – “There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you”.
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud – “E, she were thin”…Bloke from Barnsley with a sore arse asks chemist “Nah then lad, does tha sell arse cream?”
Chemist replies; “Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?” -
Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide that she’ll become a hooker. She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him that you charge a hundred dollars. Any questions, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s standing there for 5 minutes when a guy pulls up and asks, “How much?”
She says, “A hundred dollars.”
He says, “All I got is thirty”.
She says, “Hold on,” and runs back to Harry and asks, “What can he get for thirty?”
“A hand job,” Harry replied.
She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty bucks is a hand job. He agrees. She gets in the car. He unzips his pants, and out pops this HUGE length. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, “I’ll be right back.”
She runs back to Harry. ‘What’s wrong?’ he asks,
“Any chance you could lend this guy seventy bucks?”
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Q. – What goes clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, bang-bang, clip clop, clip clop?
A.- An Amish drive-by shooting.
