Comments on: Boom Boom (2)

By: duncanr

duncanr — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 19:05:48 +0000

Hi Val

I’ve created a brand new Jokes Page – Boom, Boom 3 (see menu at top of screen)

Save all that scrolling up and down

By: Val

Val — Tue, 15 Mar 2011 18:59:29 +0000

Subject: Fw: Patience Please

—– It got crowded in heaven so, for one day and one day only, it was decided to only accept people who had really bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man,

“Tell me about the day you died.”

The man said, “Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early to catch her with him. I searched all over the apartment but couldn’t find him anywhere. So I went out onto the balcony, we live on the 25th floor, and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes. So, I got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and it crushed him. The strain of the act gave me a heart attack, of which I died from.”

St. Peter couldn’t deny that this was a pretty bad day, and since it was a crime of passion, he let the man in. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died.

“Well, sir, it was awful,” said the second man. “I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I twisted my ankle and slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below, but some maniac came out and started pounding on my fingers with a hammer. Luckily I landed in some bushes. But, then the guy dropped a refrigerator on me!”

St. Peter chuckled, let him into heaven and decided he could really start to enjoy this job. “Tell me about the day you died? he said to the third man in line.

“OK, picture this; I’m naked, hiding inside a refrigerator….”

By: Val

Val — Thu, 10 Mar 2011 19:10:32 +0000

SEE IF I GOT THIS RIGHT!!!

IF YOU CROSS THE NORTH KOREAN BORDER
ILLEGALLY YOU GET 12 YEARS HARD LABOR.

IF YOU CROSS THE IRANIAN BORDER

ILLEGALLY YOU ARE DETAINED INDEFINITELY.

IF YOU CROSS THE AFGHAN BORDER

ILLEGALLY, YOU GET SHOT.

IF YOU CROSS THE SAUDI ARABIAN BORDER

ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE JAILED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CHINESE BORDER

ILLEGALLY YOU MAY NEVER BE HEARD FROM AGAIN.

IF YOU CROSS THE VENEZUELAN BORDER

ILLEGALLY YOU WILL BE BRANDED A SPY AND YOUR FATE WILL BE SEALED.

IF YOU CROSS THE CUBAN BORDER ILLEGALLY

YOU WILL BE THROWN INTO POLITICAL PRISON TO ROT.

IF YOU CROSS THE BRITISH! BORDER ILLEGALLY YOU GET !!!
A DRIVERS LICENSE, A CAR. LOADS OF CASH,

SOCIAL SECURITY CARD, WELFARE,

FOOD PAID FOR, CREDIT CARDS,

FREE FURNISHED HOUSING,

FREE EDUCATION, FREE HEALTH CARE,

A LOBBYIST IN WESTMINSTER, BILLIONS OF £s WORTH OF PUBLIC DOCUMENTS PRINTED IN YOUR LANGUAGE

THE RIGHT TO CARRY YOUR COUNTRY’S FLAG WHILE YOU

PROTEST THAT YOU DON’T GET ENOUGH RESPECT

AND, IN MANY INSTANCES, YOU CAN VOTE.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE SURE I HAD A FIRM GRASP ON THE SITUATION !!!

PLEASE KEEP !!! THIS GOING……FORWARD TO ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS & FAMILY

IT’S TIME TO WAKE UP WESTMINSTER !!!!!!!!!!!!

By: Val

Val — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 14:52:53 +0000

40 years of marriage..
>
> A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
> Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, ‘For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.’
> The wife answered, ‘Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
> The fairy waved her magic wand and – poof! – two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
> The husband thought for a moment: ‘Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
> The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
> So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!…the husband became 92 years old.
> The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female…..
>
> SEND THIS TO A WOMAN WHO NEEDS A GOOD LAUGH . AND TO ANY MAN WHO CAN
> HANDLE IT!
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
=

By: Val

Val — Tue, 08 Mar 2011 14:50:30 +0000

>
> Subject: Fw: Priceless
>
>>> PRICELESS
>>>
>>> A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and
>>> noticed he had his collar on backwards.
>>>
>>> The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards.
>>>
>>> The man, who was a priest, said, ‘I am a Father..’
>>>
>>> The little boy replied, ‘My Daddy doesn’t wear his collar like
>>> that.’
>>> The priest looked up from his book and answered, ”I am the Father
>>> of
>>> many.’
>>> The boy said, ”My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and
>>> he
>>> doesn’t wear his collar that way!’
>>>
>>> The priest, getting impatient, said. ‘I am the Father of hundreds’,
>>> and
>>> went back to reading his book.
>>>
>>> The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over
>>> and
>>> said, “Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on
>>> backwards
>>> instead of your collar.”

By: Val

Val — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 20:36:27 +0000

Sorry...duplicated!!! [Don't worry.....deleted!!!] NobblySan

By: Val

Val — Mon, 31 Jan 2011 20:32:15 +0000

For all those who work with rude customers… it’s a shame we can’t get
to do this!*
*
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines desk attendant in Sydney
some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point,
when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.*
*
A crowded Virgin flight was canceled after Virgin’s 767s had been
withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line
of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his
way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said,
‘I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS’.*
*
The attendant replied, ‘I’m sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help
you, but I’ve got to help these people first, and I’m sure we’ll be
able to work something out.’

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers
behind him could hear, ‘DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?’*
*
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public
address microphone: ‘May I have your attention please, may I have your
attention please,’ she began – her voice heard clearly throughout the
terminal.

‘We have a passenger here at Desk 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If
anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Desk 14.’*
*
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared
at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, ‘F…You!’*
*
Without flinching, she smiled and said, (I love this bit) ‘I’m sorry,
sir, but you’ll have to get in line for that too!’*

By: Ratty

Ratty — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:11:11 +0000

“with that he closes his eyes and aims to havé a nap.”

Frigging frog keyboard!!!

By: Ratty

Ratty — Tue, 04 Jan 2011 20:03:52 +0000

A London lawyer and a Cornishman are sitting next to each other on a train journey from Penzance to Paddington.

T’he lawyer, naturally big-headed coming from London, is thinking that all Cornishmen are all rustic simpletons and that hé can easily fool them. So thé lawyer asks if thé Cornishman would like to play a game to pass the time. Thé Cornishman was tired but, due to thé lawyers persistence, hé agreed.

The lawyer said: “I ask you a question, and if you don’t know thé answer you pay me 5 pounds. You then ask me a question and if I don’t know thé answer I will pay you 500 .”

As can be expected, this catches thé Cornishman’s attention, so hé agrees to play. The lawyer asks thé first question: “What’s thé distance from thé Earth to thé Moon,” The Cornishman, not saying a word, reaches into his pocket, pulls out a 5 pound note and hands it to thé lawyer.

He then asks thé lawyer: “What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four?” and with that hé closes hais eues and amis to havé a nap.

Thé lawyer uses his laptop frantically looking for the answer but gives up after an hour of searching. So hé shakes thé Cornishman, who had now gone to sleep, and hands him 500 pounds. Thé Cornishman pockets the 500 pounds and tries to go back to sleep.

The lawyer, in desperation to know thé answer, shakes thé Cornishman and asks: “well, what does go up thé Hill with three legs and comes down with four?”

Thé Cornishman reaches into his pocket and hands thé lawyer 5 pounds.

By: Val

Val — Sat, 25 Dec 2010 14:17:36 +0000

The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil (this is too cute)!…You don’t even have to be Catholic to appreciate this one.

Little Mary Margaret was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.

One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. ‘Tell me Mary Margaret, who created the universe?’

When Mary Margaret didn’t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.

‘God Almighty!’ shouted Mary Margaret.
The Nun said, ‘Very good’ and continued teaching her class.

A little later the Nun asked Mary Margaret, ‘Who is our Lord and Savior?’

But Mary didn’t stir from her slumber Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck Mary Margaret in the butt with the pencil.

‘Jesus Christ!!!’ shouted Mary Margaret and the Nun once again said,’Very good,’ and Mary Margaret fell back asleep.

The Nun asked her a third question…’What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?’

Again, Johnny came to the rescue.
This time Mary Margaret jumped up and shouted, ‘If you stick that f***#@^ thing in me one more time, I’ll break it in half!’

The nun fainted.