Boom, Boom 3
25 Comments to “Boom, Boom 3”
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Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die?”
She says, “Of course, dear.” And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he’s down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…?”
At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning … You don’t.”
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WARNING!!! Scam on EBay!!!
I spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.
The bastards sent me a magnifying glass. -
Sign seen on door:
“Incorrigible Punster.
Please do not incorrige!” -
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”
“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life”.
“Well, then”, she replies “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”
“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – “And how do you like your sex?”
“Infrequently”, he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… “And is that one word or two?
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The Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…
“The Magic Penis!’The Husband said, ‘The what’?
The man repeated,
‘The Magic Penis,’
and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’
The man then pointed to the door and said,
‘Magic Penis, the door!’The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said,
‘Magic Penis, return to your box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days,
The Wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said‘Magic Penis, my crotch.’
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.He asked her for her license,
then asked how much she’d had to drink.Gasping and twitching, the woman said,
‘I haven’t had anything to drink officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’
The officer looked at her for a few seconds,shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah,, right,,,now I’ve heard them all Maam,
Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse…!’ -
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift…The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”And then the fight started…
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
terrible.”My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”And that’s how the fight started…
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’And then the fight started…
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
–
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
She replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party thatI made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???’She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
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A Tennessee State trooper pulled a motorist over
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
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A man goes into his local bookshop and asked the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replied, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one, I’ll take a copy.”
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Erchie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s plans for his forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night…”
Erchie nods approvingly.
“Hivvens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Erchie, “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that!
“And what’s the tartan?” Erchie then enquires.
“Ach,” says Jock, “I imagine she’ll be in white…”
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A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ….”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..”
“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”
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Q: How did Paddy burn his ear?
A: Some one rang him up while he was ironing.
Q: How did Paddy burn his other ear?
A: Well he had to call the clinic, didn’t he.Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde get in a lift. There’s a dollar on the floor.
Q: Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde.
Q: Why?
A: There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.Q: How do you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.Q: How can you tell when a blonde’s wearing panty hose?
A: When she farts, her ankles swell.Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can’t understand.Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fucking know-all.There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose prick was exceedingly bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in double
So instead of coming, he went. -
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, “Turn the entire ocean into VB!”
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, “Nice going mate! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.” -
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple. -
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”
Vet: “Is it a tom?”
Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”———-
.
A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”——-
A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides
that her headstone should have the words
“She were thine” engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason,
who assures him that the headstone
will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower
to say that the headstone is ready
and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone
to see that it’s been engraved “She were thin”.
He explodes: “‘ells bells man, you’ve left the bloody “e” out,
you’ve left the bloody “e” out!”
The stone mason apologises profusely
and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:
“There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you”.
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
“E, she were thin”. -
Exercise Regimen
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength
in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a
comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato
sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks…
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oh i found it! lol
knock knock
whos there?
smell mop
smellmop who?
(get it! LOL) -
A family had just sat down to enjoy their annual Christmas dinner with Turkey and all the trimmings, when there was a knock on the front door. The man of the house got up and went to see who it was. To his surprise there was no-one there. As he was about to shut the door, he noticed on the doorstep a strangely alert looking snail.
The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice – “Excuse me, but are you about to sit down to your Christmas meal?” The man was stunned, but said – “Yes, why?” Whereupon the snail replied – “My family and I are starving so I was wondering if you could spare us just a little!” The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily – “Fuck off!” and promptly kicked the snail right over his hedge and into his neighbour’s garden.
He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and not another thought was given to the incident. The weeks went by and Easter was soon upon them and once more they were sat around the table. They were about to tuck in to their meal when there was again a knock on the door. The man got up, strode to the door and opened it only to find no-one there. As he was about to shut the door, he noticed that the strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.
The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and, with the utmost hurt in his voice, said – “What did you do that for?”
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Pat and Mick decide to go sea fishing, so they drive to the coast and hire a boat. They have a great day’s fishing, and load their van up with baskets of cod, mackerel, sea bass and whiting.
As they are driving back home, Pat says “You know, we had such a great day, I’d like to come back tomorrow and see if we can catch as many. God, I wish we’d marked that spot now.”
“Don’t worry” says Mick, “I thought of that – I marked a ‘X’ in the bottom of the boat!”
They drive on for a few more minutes in silence, then Pat turns to Mick and exclaims: “What if we get a different boat?!”
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Three fathers are waiting in a maternity ward – an Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani.
A junior doctor appears, and announces that there has been an administrative cockup, and they cannot guarantee which baby belongs to which family,
As this is a joke, the fathers accept the situation, and decide to draw straws to see who shall go in and choose a baby to be their own.
The Englishman wins first pick and goes through the double doors into the ward. He returns a few minutes later, carrying what is obviously the Pakistani baby – a fact that the Pakistani father points out to him in a rather aggrieved fashion.
“Look, mate” says the Englishman, “one of those two left in there is Welsh, and I couldn’t take any chances.”
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Tony, a businessman, has a serious infection in his right eye, which is causing his sight to deteriorate. He is seeing the top ophthalmic specialist in the country, but there is little he can do for him other than to remove the failing eye and replace it with a glass one.
“There is hope, though” says the surgeon, “An American doctor has recently performed the first transplant, and it appears to have been successful. However, a donor eye would have to be a close tissue match, and obviously the right size. I will put your name down, but it could take years”.A few weeks later Tony is driving to Newcastle for a meeting, and pulls off the A1 somewhere in N Yorkshire, looking for a country pub in order to have some lunch. After half a mile, he spots a pink Jaguar on its roof in a ditch and pulls over to take a look. The accident has apparently just happened, as the engine is still warm, and he can hear the clicking noises as it cools off.
He looks inside the car to see a middle-aged man hanging from his seatbelt, obviously dead. He is about to call the emergency services when he notices that the man’s eyes are open. He is around the same age and build as himself, and his eyes are even the same colour! Tony looks around, but it is deserted, and there are no traffic sounds. He wrenches the door open and leans into the car, plucking out the corpse’s right eye and carefully wrapping it in his handkerchief. He removes his glass eye and pops it into the gaping socket.Back in his car, Tony places the eye on the passenger seat and turns the air conditioning up full on its coldest setting, before driving back to London. He manages to get to see his specialist, who agrees to test it despite the lack of any paperwork accompanying the organ. Within hours he is in surgery, having the eye transplanted: the specialist agrees to forge some paperwork in order to have the kudos of performing Britain’s first successful eye transplant.
The operation is a complete success and, now recovered, Tony is again driving up the A1 to attend his rescheduled meeting. He is feeling peckish so, in the same area as before, he pulls off down a country road, looking for something to eat. As he is passing a garage, he glances down the side and can’t believe his eyes when he sees the wreck of a pink Jag! He pulls in, and gets out of the car to take a look. Before he gets to the wreck, a man comes out of the garage:
“Can I help you, sir? ”
“Er, I noticed that this is the same model as mine, and was hoping to buy some spares from you, as some things are hard to get hold of” replies Tony, thinking quickly. “Looks like a bad smash”.
“Yes, it was” says the mechanic, “Happened a couple of months ago – some poor bugger died in it. The police have impounded it – not allowed to touch it”.
“Oh, why’s that, then?”
“Well, it’s become a bit of a local mystery – the police are completely baffled!”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, it seems that he drove from Edinburgh with two glass eyes!” -
Just before he becomes PM, Gordon Brown is visiting a primary school in his constituency. He is shown into a classroom where the children are studying the meanings of words. The ignorant, neurotic jock is invited to lead the class with the meaning of the word ‘tragedy’.
“Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?” asks the most unsuitable person for the post of Prime Minister.
A boy stands up: “If a little girl was playing in a field on her daddy’s farm, and got run over by a tractor, that would be a tragedy” he says.
“No, that would be an accident!” snaps Brown. “Anybody else?”
A girl stands up: ” If a coachload of children coming back from a trip to the seaside went over a cliff, and they were all killed, that would be a tragedy” she says.
“Of course not! That would be a great loss” roars the granite-faced ogre. “Can anybody else give me an example?”
A boy at the back stands up: “If an aeroplane carrying you and Mr Blair was hit by a friendly-fire missile when you were visiting Afghanistan, and blew up in mid-air, that would be a tragedy.”
“Well, done, boy! Absolutely correct! And can you tell me why it would be a tragedy?”
“Well” replies the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn’t be a great loss, and it certainly wouldn’t be a fucking accident!”
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A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
WHACK!
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
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Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: ‘coz it farted. -
A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says:
“Free drink if you show me what’s in the box.” says the barman.
“OK” he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist.
“Where did you get that?” asks the barman.
” I’ve got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish,” says the man. “I’ll let you have a go for another free drink.”
The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in.
“I didn’t ask for that!” screams the barman. “I wanted a 1,000 bucks!”
“Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?”
