You’re cycling down the road in the early hours of the moning and feel the urge to set fire to the front of your local pub.

Realising that if you’re not home before the missus wakes up to kick the milkman out of bed, you’ll be in trouble for spending the night round at her sister’s (…. again!),  you cycle off sharpish.

But not before setting your own arse on fire for good measure.

I know… it’s happened to us all, hasn’t it.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-16869921

I know Mad Hatters is a blog for humour, but Duncs himself posts plenty of serious subjects. Here’s one. It was intended for Fried Korn Flakes, but I left it a bit late, so NobblySan kindly agreed to post it for me.

You may find some of the language in the following poem offensive. I make no apologies for my choice of words: I am extremely offended by being considered a criminal for using the most beneficial plant on earth, one which can only do the human body good.

This preamble was going to consist of a list of maximum penalties for various crimes: such as “The law considers possession of cannabis to be two-and-a-half times as bad as necrophilia, since the maximum sentence is 5 years, compared with that of 2 years for ‘sexual penetration of a corpse’”

However, events have overtaken my sloth in posting the poem, as the Sentencing Council has recently issued new guidelines for punishing cannabis criminals. According to CLEAR, the party for cannabis law reform (http://clear-uk.org/), the herb is as good as decriminalised, since the penalties are now so low that the police may not see any value in pursuing these heinous crimes. It seems that one may be able to grow upto 9 plants without receiving a harsh sentence; and the best thing is, prosecutors will have to give consideration to evidence of a valid medical need.

I’m not one for cliches, but the game is up, the writing’s on the wall, and the tide is turning. The government must be as sick as parrots (ok, that’s enough!): they are sending the police to smash down people’s doors and prosecute them for growing a few plants for their own use, whilst they sanction Britain’s biggest ‘cannabis factory’ at the Science Park in Sittingbourne, Kent, where GW Pharmaceuticals grows 60,000 cannabis plants a year to make its cannabis tincture spray Sativex.

Yes, David Cameron lies to the British public that cannabis causes mental health problems and has no therapeutic value, but allows his Big Pharma chums to exploit its medicinal potential.

It’s the same as if the government denounced 3rd world regimes that torture their subjects, then kidnapped its own citizens and smuggled them into these countries to be tortured.

What?

The Commons Home Affairs Select Committee is looking at drugs at the moment and, according to Peter Reynolds of CLEAR, their findings may be a way for the government to get out of the embarrassing corner it has backed itself into. The new sentencing guidelines may be a premonition of this change, although they could have been different had not Mr Reynolds enlightened the surprised Council to the fact that Sir Les Iversen, the government’s chief advisor on drugs, is an enthusiastic advocate for the use of medicinal cannabis!

After all, the truth is getting out about the Endocannabinoid System – the body produces its own cannabinoids which fight disease and tumours, and taking cannabis helps this process. Evidence is strong for cannabis as a safe, natural cancer cure.

Nonetheless, until cannabis is legalised, or at least officially decriminalised, I remain a fugitive from the law.

The Anger Of An Ordinary Man

I’m ‘stickybud’, a criminal:

It’s in my blood, subliminal.

And ev’ry day I break the law

I fear the gavvers at my door:

Armed and hyped, and bringing strife

To smash the hinges, wreck my life.

For two score years I’ve lived this fear

Although my crime is no career.

It’s happening in ev’ry town

From Petersfield to Portadown

And some poor cunt will take the fall:

His home, his job – he’ll lose it all

For exercising human will,

Preferring ganja to a pill

To elevate his mental frame

Or calm his spasms, ease his pain.

And less than fifty years ago

(If you’re still young, you may not know)

Another group was thus repressed

For living how they knew was best

For their own pride and peace of mind -

Support for them was hard to find:

They spent their days in constant fear

That they would be revealed as ‘queer’.

Enlightened times – hip-hip-hooray!

No more a crime to live life gay

But if you like to ‘chuff a bong’

Your way of life is somehow wrong.

What business is it of the state?

Why does the law discriminate

Against the users of one ‘drug’

But not those supping from the jug?

Hello! Joe Public, fast asleep!

These people hate you: you’re just sheep

To herd the way you’re meant to go

To keep their power at full flow.

They say we’ve got democracy -

I’d call it ‘onanocracy’:

For the benefit of bankers,

Government by Eton wankers.

They’re doing deals behind our backs

At parties thrown by tabloid hacks

And Murdoch pulls their puppet strings

As Dull Dave dances, Boy George sings.

Those fine upholders of the law,

The London Met, all know the score:

Satisfy the press requirement;

Line the nest for your retirement.

The Dodgy Doc has had to go -

Such arrogance we could not know!

What is this shadow MOD

For those that we don’t know or see?

Who’s stealing power, gaining wealth

Whilst we bemoan the nation’s health?

Devoid of honour, morals, wit,

Not even fit to shovel shit.

But still they claim authority

To judge and punish you and me

For using in our private lives

That which against the odds survives

Their War on Nature (bound to fail)

And is to us The Holy Grail.

The reason for their spite is Clear -

They know that hemp’s a panacea.

Decade upon decade they’ve tried

To damn ‘the herb’ – they’ve schemed and lied:

Their bad research has been exposed

But still consider ‘case not closed’.

That elephant is getting big

And smelling something like a pig

(The pachyderm is at full zoom -

Now filling up the living room!)

But in the dis-United States

Somehow the people’s voice dictates,

And sixteen of them passed an act

That recognised hemp’s claims as fact,

And freed the herb from interdiction:

Nature’s cure-all on prescription,

The first time in one hundred years -

A century of health arrears.

The rest of Europe’s seeing sense

As Fool Britannia builds a fence

As noxious as the German wall

To keep the people in its thrall,

And spin them lies, and feed their fear.

In Portugal and Spain, we hear,

Politicians with compassion -

In Broken Britain? Out of fashion.

One major fact they can’t avoid

It’s called ‘endocannabinoid’:

The body’s system of control -

And taking hemp supports its role

In fighting tumours and disease.

The proof is out there – search it, please!

Don’t think me a fey romancer -

What if cannabis cures cancer?

http://www.phoenixtearsmovie.com/ – Rick Simpson’s ‘Run From The Cure’ documentary.

http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/what-if-cannabis-cured-cancer/ – Preview of Len Richmond’s amazing film ‘What If Cannabis Cured Cancer?’ Please support the director by buying the DVD. (Go to www.amazon.com and order it from Len Richmond Films – $14.99 plus shipping). You won’t regret it!

http://www.alternet.org/story/9257 – Pot Shrinks Tumors; Government Knew in ’74

http://www.pnas.org/content/95/14/8268.long – Cannabidiol and (−)Δ⁹-tetrahydrocannabinol are neuroprotective antioxidants (From the proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences of the USA)

http://www.drugequality.org/ – Drug Equality Alliance: legal academics and victims of The War On Drugs working together to challenge the discriminatory drugs laws.

http://clear-uk.org/ – CLEAR, the party for cannabis law reform.

What a bunch of prize pillocks!

“Who are?” I hear you ask.

“They are.” says I, “The Yanks; or to be more exact, their ludicrously titled  Department of Homeland Security”

It’s no wonder their acronym is DOHs…. very fitting, I must say.

Check out their latest bit of silliness…. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/technology-16810312

You and your best friend are both keen kick boxers and find yourself up against each other in the final of a kick-boxing championship. What do you do? Try to beat the shit out of your buddy? Or ?

This situation though, would probably have warranted it.

What the hell is it with religious folk that get them so up in arms and all indignant about such stuff. It was a bloody joke, you plonkers, and not a particularly funny one at that. This is after all, mainstream American TV, and has to cater for people waaaay down near the “….and don’t you just love Two and a Half Men?’ end of the ‘Duh…. I don’t geddit…’ scale of comedy.

I’m not normally one to defend any particular organised religion (they’re all the same in my book), but I can’t quite imagine the Catholics being so vocal if  Leno had shown a picture of the Vatican, or Celtic Park.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-16655272

I don’t believe for one minute that the grabbing manipulative bastards behind this bill will allow it to be ditched or even compromised, but at least this is a foot in the door.

One is that I haven’t posted anything for day or two, and the other is that Eddie Izzard is possibly the funniest bloke alive – now that Tommy Cooper isn’t.

Here you go…….

Click on the woman in the red top.

Go on, I dare you.

You bastard, you made her fall over!

….and now, I bet you do it again.

(nicked from Reddit)