Hundreds of people in Market Harborough were disappointed at the weekend when the local council cancelled a planned appearance of 12 reindeer in the town square – on elf n’ safety grounds.

A Harborough Council spokesman said: ‘Obviously, the reindeer would have loved the snow. But sadly we decided to cancel because of the possible danger to people, including young children.’

Hhmm, if the council were so concerned about little snowflakes slipping and hurting themselves in the icy conditions perhaps they should have used the £10k it is reported to have cost them to cancel the reindeer on gritting the f*cken streets

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She'll be coming . . . well, maybe NOT

According to Eurostar commercial director Nick Mercer the snow – “was ‘fluffier’ than normal”

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There you are then. It was fluffy snow wot did it. Now if only it had been the sort of snow that falls in Canada and USA each winter we’d have been all right !!!

Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city (George Burns)

I was driving down a local road on Sunday evening, when I saw a herd of local oiks (chavus urbanis) milling about in the middle of the road. As I slithered towards them on the snowy surface, they legged it, revealing three bloody great snowballs (about 4foot diameter) blocking the road.

I skidded gracefully to a halt, and observed the little bar-stewards running up a nearby footpath. However, two of the bolder ones had stayed at the kerb to see what I did.

I slid my window down and said,

“Come on lads – get ‘em shifted, please.”

“Can’t!” sneered the head chav (the apostrophe is mine – I doubt that he’d have used one if he were writing instead of sneering)

“You dozy little twat – isn’t it past your bedtime?” I retorted, rather foolishly.

I say ‘foolishly’ as I only just hit the button to shut the window before a big fuck off snowball hit the glass. I would have looked and felt a prize pillock if it had hit me square in the mush.

Anyhow, the oiks departed, and I got out to roll these big heavy buggers out of the road, to a chorus of jeers from the other end of the footpath.

Like I said in the title, this guy has the right idea!

A priest has caused a bit of a ‘to-do’ by telling his flock it’s O.K. to shoplift.

Father Tim Jones told his congregation that the Lord’s Command ‘not to steal’ was not absolute. That the Lord would turn a blind eye if they wanted to do a bit of shoplifting to alleviate their poverty – if that was the alternative to murder or prostituting themselves to obtain cash for their needs.

However if their poverty drove them to shoplift then they should target big stores and the rich and should do so only for as long as was necessary and take only as much as was needed to satisfy their want.

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Father Jones’ interpretation of the Good Book and his advice to his flock has not gone down well with local police or politicians. It remains to be seen whether the Bishop endorses Father Jones’ view !!!

If you would like to know the value of money, go and try to borrow some (Benjamin Franklin)