Share your best jokes here . . . .
Boom Boom !
117 Comments to “Boom Boom !”
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Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on The Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit the Japanese Banking System.
In the last seven days the famous Origami Bank has folded; Sumo Bank has gone belly up and The Bonsai Bank has announced plans to cut some of its branches.
Yesterday it was announced the The Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song. Shares in The Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived and 500 staff at The Karate Bank got the chop.
Meanwhile analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared customers will get a raw deal.
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There are 4 football fans on stranded on top of a mountain.
One’s a Tottenham fan, one’s a Man U fan, one Liverpool, and the last is a Sunderland fan. They’re all starved and dehydrated, so they decide to jump.
The first yells “FOR TOTTENHAM” and jumps off.
The second yells ” You’ll never walk alone” and jumps off.
The Man U fan yells “FOR MANCHESTER UNITED!” and ..
…pushes the Sunderland fan off.
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A Blonde died and arrived at the Pearly Gates to be met by St Peter.
“I’m sorry” St Peter said; “But heaven is suffering from an overload of goodly souls and we have been forced to set up an entrance exam for new arrivals and only those that pass may enter.”“That’s cool” said the blonde, “What does it consist of?”
“Just three questions, but you must correctly answer all three” said St Peter.
“The first is which two days of the week start with the letter T?”
“The second is how many seconds are there in one year?”
“And the third is what is the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?”“Now, go away and think carefully of your answers and when I call upon you, you have just one chance to get them right”
So the blonde went off to ponder the questions, and 1 hour later St Peter called her back to hear her answers.
“Now my dear do you have answers for me?” Asked St Peter expecting to be told no
“Yes indeed no problem at all” the blonde replied.
Taken aback St Peter asked “so what is your answer to the first question, how many days of the week start with the letter T?”
The blonde replied “Today and Tomorrow”
St Peter pondered this answer for some time, and decided that the answer could indeed be applied to the question.
“Well then, could I have your answer to the second question” St Peter went on “How many seconds are there in a year?”
“Twelve” was the blondes reply.
“Only twelve? How did you arrive at that figure” asked a puzzled St Peter.“Easy” she replied “there’s the second of January, the second of February right through to the second of December so that’s twelve seconds.”
A perplexed St Peter said he would need sometime to consider this answer and off he went shaking his head a while later he returned and said “I will allow that answer to stand, but you must answer the third question absolutely correctly to get into Heaven,
So what is the name of the swagman in Waltzing Matilda?” He knew he had her now as there was no name mentioned in the song.“Oh that was the easiest” said the blonde “it’s Andy”
“Andy?” Exclaimed the totally floored St Peter, he deliberated this way and that but could not think of any way she could have come up with this answer.
“How on earth did you come to that answer?” he asked.“Well it’s obvious” said the blonde “Andy sat, Andy watched, Andy waited til his billy boiled…….”
And so the blonde entered Heaven.
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A fleeing Taliban, desperate for water, was plodding
through the
Afghanistan desert when he saw something far off in the distance.Hoping to find water, he hurried toward the object,
only to find a little old Jewish man at a small
stand
selling ties.The Taliban asked, ‘Do you have
water?’
The Jewish man replied, ‘I have no water.
Would you like to buy a tie?
They are only $5.’The Taliban shouted, ‘Idiot! I do not need an over-priced tie.
I need water!
I should kill you, but I must find water first!’‘OK,’ said the old Jewish man, ‘it does not matter that you do
not want to buy a tie and that you hate me.
I will show you that I am bigger than that.
If you continue over that hill to the east for about two
miles,
you will find a lovely restaurant.
It has all the ice cold water you need. Shalom.’Muttering, the Taliban staggered away over the hill.
Several hours later he staggered back, almost dead.
“That f*ck*ng brother of yours won’t let me in without a tie!” -
I parked in a disbaled bay the other day, and a traffic warden shouted
“What’s your disability, then?”
I shouted back
“Tourettes. Now f*ck off!”
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Classy!
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A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.. He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate.
The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part.
The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup.
We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
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In a similar vein:-
A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions – from fear to happiness, and so on.
The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest.
“What have you come as?” the guy asks.
“I’m green with envy.”
“Wow, that’s brilliant,” says the host. “Come in and have a drink.”A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts.
“Wow, great outfit,” says the host. “And you’ve come as…”
“I’m tickled pink!” she says.
“Brilliant,” the host replies.Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock stuck in a pear.
“What the hell are you both doing?” screams the host.
“Well, I’m fucking dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!” -
Why don’t I know any jokes?
(Please note: this is not me asking a joke waiting to send everyone into hysterics with a punchline, this is a legitimate question)
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i don’t know randie. Why don’t you know any jokes?
My favourite of all time.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A Walk tehehehe
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That’s the kind of joke I go into hysterics over dozy, I just don’t know any of em to tell
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Randie – do what the rest of us do – plagerise them from emails or google!
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Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!
When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.
‘Miss Beatrice’, he said, ‘I wonder if you would tell me about this?’ pointing to the bowl.
‘Oh, yes,’ she replied, ‘Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know, I haven’t had the flu all winter.’
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One day the Pope is taking a shower. He respects his oath of celibacy, but feels a little self-pleasuring with the soap is permissable. Just as the papal seed flies through the air, a camera lens is thrust through the shower curtains and a photographer takes a snap.
‘‘Oy!’’ shouts the Pope, ‘‘you can’t do that, I’m the Pope! if that picture is published then the reputation of the Holy Roman Catholic Church will be destroyed.
‘‘I don’t care’’ says the photographer, ‘‘this photo is like a winning lottery ticket, I will have financial security for the rest of my life.’’
‘‘I’ll buy the camera from you’’ says the Pope.
So, after a lot of haggling, they agree on a sum of £500,000.
The Pope dries himself and puts on his bathrobe. Clutching his new camera, he is spotted by his Housekeeper. ‘‘Hello’’ she says, ‘‘that’s a nice camera you have there, how much did that cost?’’
‘‘£500,000’’ says the Pope.
‘‘Half a million quid?..’’ exclaims the incredulous housekeeper, ‘‘…he must have seen you coming.’’
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Bill,
I doff my cap… that’s bloody great.
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This tragic tale of the ultimate in coitus interruptus , brings to mind an old joke.
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/africa/7629433.stm
A couple are having sex on a railway line, when the woman shouts
“Henry, (for twas his name…) stop!, the train’s a ‘comin’, the train’s a’ comin’!”
Henry replies, breathlessly
“Hush woman! Goddamn train’s got brakes!”
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I know my jokes are poor, but…
I’ve now tried twice to post a joke on here, and each time it just disappears up its own punchline, never to be seen again.
Have the humour police taken control of the site?
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Good one Mic….
oh er
Good one Mic!
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Arghhhh….
What’s happening…. the internet is trying to make me look a fool.
I never did like that Berners-Lee feller.
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AS A WOMAN PASSED HER DAUGHTER’S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR,
SHE HEARD A STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE
OBSERVED HER DAUGHTER WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: ‘WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?’
THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: ‘MOM, I’M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD,
UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I’LL EVER GET TO A
HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.’
THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL’S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ
COMING FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE
ROOM, HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER
VIBRATOR.
TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:
‘DAD I’M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE
AS I’LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE.’
A COUPLE DAYS LATER, THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING
TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING
NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED THAT
AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER AND STARING AT THE TV.
THE VIBRATOR WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE
CRAZY. THE WIFE ASKED: ‘WHAT THE *@!* ARE YOU DOING?’
THE HUSBAND REPLIED: ‘I’M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW.’
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Husband says to wife – ‘my Olmpic condoms have arrived, I think I’ll wear gold tonight’
Wife says ‘ why don’t you wear silver and come fucking second for a change’! -
One of the city’s top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses.When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their good-byes,
the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart
closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved
cardiologist.Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.
Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked,
‘Why are you laughing, Mister?’
‘I was just thinking about my own funeral,’ the man replied.
‘I’m a gynecologist’……..
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Do you suffer from shyness?
Do you sometimes wish you were more assertive?If you answered yes to any of these questions, ask your doctor or pharmacist about White Wine.
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White Wine can help ease you out of your shyness and let you tell the world that you’re ready and willing to do just about anything.You will notice the benefits of White Wine almost immediately and with a regimen of regular doses you can overcome any and all obstacles that prevent you from living the life you want to live.
Shyness and awkwardness will be a thing of the past and you will discover many talents you never knew you had. Stop hiding and start living, with White Wine.White Wine may not be right for everyone.
Women who are pregnant or nursing should not use White Wine.
However, women who wouldn’t mind nursing or becoming pregnant are encouraged to try it.
Side effects may include dizziness, nausea, vomiting, incarceration, erotic lustfulness, loss of motor control, loss of clothing, loss of money, loss of virginity, delusions of grandeur, table dancing, headache, dehydration, dry mouth, and a desire to sing Karaoke and play all-night rounds of Strip Poker, Truth or Dare, and Naked Twister.WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to tell your friends over and over again that you love them.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may cause you to think you can sing.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at four in the morning.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.
WARNING:
The consumption of White Wine may create the illusion that you are tougher, smarter, faster and better looking than most people.~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
NOW JUST IMAGINE WHAT YOU COULD ACHIEVE WITH RED WINE… -
Paddy was experiencing his very first firefight with the Taliban…. he was scared. He panicked and ran away to hide behind a wall, where he lay, eyes tightly closed, his body shaking with fear.
Suddenly he felt a strong grip on his shoulder and he was lifted to his feet, a loud voice bellowed in his ear…. “What do you think you’re doing here soldier, think of the regiment and your fellow men….. get back there and do what you’re paid to do….”
Paddy got himself under control and said “Sorry mate you’re right, I don’t know what came over me..”
The voice behind him bellowed “MATE ………. I’m the RSM !!!”
“Paddy replied, “Sorry Sir, I didn’t realise I’d run that far back…..
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If Carmen Miranda was cautioned by the US police would she then be Carmen Mirandad?
(I was doing something else and just made that up.)
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Saul – could you possibly go back to ‘doing something else’?
please
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One for Duncan Disorderly
If you had purchased £1000 of Northern Rock shares one year ago it would now be worth £4.95, with HBOS, earlier this week your £1000 would have been worth £16.50, £1000 invested in XL Leisure would now be worth less than £5, but if you bought £1000 worth of Lager/Beer one year ago, drank it all, then took the empty cans to an aluminium re-cycling plant, you would get £214.
So based on the above statistics the best current investment advice is to drink heavily and re-cycle -
The latest club craze is to fill a woman’s vagina with vodka and then suck it out with a straw. Doctors are warning about the dangers of minge drinking.
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A farmer in Devon has made history by growing a field of dildos. He’s had a lot of trouble with squatters.
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Patch, that’s disgusting!
P.S. – Got any more?
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For my finale (bedtime) 85 % of Liverpudlian males say they enjoy sex in the shower. The other 15% haven’t been to prison yet.
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Sorry, Carmen, it’s the medication. Hangs head in shame.
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Yes, it does. Tablets and implants too and, if the NHS are in a benevolent mood, injections.
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oohhh intra muscular injections? my favourite – nice long thick needle!
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MMMMMMMMMMM. My absolute favourite, Nosey!
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Behave yourself Patch!
ps – if you struggle and fight back you get to be held down by four burley security men while some sadist nurse injects you!
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Reminds me of the day when I had to start injecting one of my chicken, without any previous practice
Scary! But I did it and got quite good at it frankly. And the chicken got better, even though the vet had given her a 15% chance
BTW I use very fine needles …
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Aie
Sorry
Forgot that this is the jokers corner! -
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A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on it’s face. The egg, looking a bit miffed, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ‘Well I guess we finally answered that question’.
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Well, the chicken wasn’t in a condition for running, so that part was the easiest
But while I pictured that I “might” have been chasing her around, some strange sounds escaped me [and alarmed the dogs...].BTW only later on I was told that nurses practise on oranges, before being set lose on patients with their needles. Is that true, Nosey
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Patch Says:
September 28, 2008 at 10:44 am
****
Patch, I will definitely use this one, whenever someone brings up that stupid question again -
Chantelaine
No we practice on little old ladies….
(they have developed a ‘fake’ skin material to learn on now)
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An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn.
When he finished all three, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender says to him, ‘You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; It would taste better if you bought one at a time.’The Irishman replies, ‘Well, you see, I have two brothers. One is in America, the other in Australia, and I’m here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we’d drink this way to remember the day we all drank together.’
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way: he orders three pints and drinks the three pints by taking drinks from each of them in turn.
One day, he comes in and orders two pints.
All the other regulars’ in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, ‘I don’t want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolenceson your great loss.’
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then the light dawns in his eye and he laughs.
‘Oh, no,’ he says, ‘Everyone is fine.
It’s me……..I’ve quit drinking!’
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So thats how Carmen managed it!
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Mother and her son were flying with kulula.com from Johannesburg to
Durban.The son (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and
asked, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why
don’t big planes have baby planes?’The mother (who couldn’t think of a quick answer) told her son to ask
the stewardess.So the boy asked the stewardess, ‘If big dogs have baby dogs and big
cats have baby cats, why don’t big planes have baby planes?’The stewardess smiled sweetly and asked, ‘Did your mommy tell you to ask me?’
The boy said, ‘Yes she did.’
‘Well, then, tell your mommy that there are no baby planes, because
kulula.com always pulls out on time. And you can ask your mommy to
explain that one to you!’ -
Jack always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots, so, seeing some on
sale, he bought them and wore them home.Walking proudly, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife Margie,
“Notice anything different about me?”Margie looked him over. “Nope”
Frustrated, Jack stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back
into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots. Again he asked
Margie, a little louder this time, “Notice anything different NOW?”Margie looked up and exclaimed, “Jack, what’s different? It’s hanging down
today, it was hanging down yesterday, it’ll be hanging down again
tomorrow!”Furious, Jack yelled, “AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT’S HANGING DOWN, MARGIE?”
“Nope”, she replied.
“IT’S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT’S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!”
Without changing her expression, Margie replied, “Shoulda bought a hat,
Jack. Shoulda bought a hat.” -
On returning from the doctor Mick tells his wife he will be dead by dawn of the next day.
That night they have sex for 6 hours. Afterwards he couldn’t sleep so he wakes the wife and says:
‘Darling, can we do it again?’
She replies: ‘For gods sake Mick, you selfish sod, I have to get up tomorrow – you dont!’
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The Swede’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
‘Good God, woman! Why aren’t you wearing any skivvies?’, Ole demanded.
‘Well, you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.’The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.’
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies.
‘Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?’
She replies, ‘I can’t afford any on the money you give me.’Patrick reaches into his pocket and says , ‘For the sake of decency, here’s a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!’
Lastly, the Scotsman’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
‘Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?’
She too explains, ‘You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.’
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, ‘Well, fer the love ‘o decency, here’s a comb…..Tidy yerself up a bit. -
welcome back ratarsed – on form as always.
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Heard about the armed Mosquitoes that robbed a bank and took hostages?
The police sent a SWAT team in.
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I’ve stopped buying lottery tickets. Just found out you can watch it for free on the BBC.
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Dan, a 35 year old new york stock broker had made it so big on Wall Street that he was able to retire at a young age. Using his wealth, he buys a small cottage in the vermont mountains. After 6 months of hardly any human contact, except for venturing into town for supplies, he hears a knock on his door. He opens the door to find this big, surly, bearded man standing in front of him.
“May I help you,” Dan asks.
“The name’s Jim, I live ’bout two miles down the road in my cabin,” the man says.
“I’m having a party this coming Saturday and I thought I’d invite you seein’ that you’re new and all here.”
Dan accepts the inviation saying, “Great, I haven’t been out in six months.”
Jim says “I gotta warn ya, there’s gon’ be a lot a drinkin at this party.”
“Well, I’ve been to all the bars in New York and have held my ground with the best of them,” Dan replies.
“A lot of fightin’ goes on that these parties too,” Jim says.
Dan replies “well, it’ll be nice to get out and I think I can hold my own.”
Jim offers, “there’s also gon’ be some wild love making.”
“Well I have been alone for the last six months,” Dan says with a laugh.
So the two exchange numbers and directions and just as Jim is walking away Dan says “What should I wear?”
Jim turns and replies, “Whatever you want, just gon’ be us two.”
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Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My wife replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’
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The Morning after the Office Party.
Jack woke up with a killer hangover after attending his firm’s Christmas Party.
He didn’t even remember how he got home. It’s 8.30. What day is it? Thursday. His wife must have gone to work.
As he struggled into consciousness through the fog of a pounding headache, his stomach plummeted as he wondered what the hell he did last night.
He forced himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a little vase of sweet peas, freshly picked from the garden.
He sat up. The bedroom was clean and tidy, – there was no trail of drunkenly abandoned clothes, fresh air was coming in through the window and all was serene. He stumbled to the bathroom, also pristine, and, squinting gingerly into the mirror, saw that he had a black eye. This was not a good sign, but no memories were returning.
As he concentrated hard on getting the world into focus, he saw a post-it note stuck on the corner of the mirror. It was written in red, with little hearts on it and a kiss from his wife.
“I’ll ring your office and tell them you won’t be in today. Breakfast is in the oven. Try to eat something and go back to bed for the morning. There’s snooker on TV this afternoon. Take it easy today, hope your eye doesn’t hurt too much. See you tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian. x ”
He stumbled to the kitchen and sure enough, there was hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee and the newspaper. His teenaged son was sitting at the table, eating.
Jack, bracing himself, asked his son what happened the previous night.
” Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door. ”
Confused, he asked his son, “So, why is everything in such perfect order, aspirins by the bed, a nice note from Mum and breakfast waiting for me?”
His son replied, ‘Oh THAT!… Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your trousers off, you screamed, ‘Leave me alone you slapper, I’m married!!’
Broken Coffee Table £250
Hot Breakfast £3.50
Two Aspirins 20p
Saying the right thing, at the right time…..PRICELESS -
A man went to an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he was unable to get his manhood erect.
The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephant’s trunk into his ‘old fella’.
The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for it.
A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and try out his newly renovated equipment.
As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.
His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face said, ‘That was incredible! Can you do that again?’
With tears in his eyes he replied, ‘I think I can, but I am not sure if another bread roll will fit up my arse’ !
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Entertaining extracts of actual letters to some UK Council’s housing department.
1. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has Fungus growing on it.
2. He’s got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can’t take it anymore.
3. It’s the dog mess that I find hard to swallow.
4. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
5. I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
6. And their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
7. I wish to report that the tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other night
that blew them off.8. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
9. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she
is pregnant.10. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
11. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster and 50% are just plain filthy.
12. I am still having problems with smoke in my drawers.
13. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
14. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
15. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third so please send someone round to do
something about it.18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the
man on top of me every night.19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife.
20. I have had the Clerk of Works down on the floor six times but still I have no satisfaction.
21. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can’t get BBC2.
-
BRILLIANT!
-
why thank you kind sir
I’ll try and dig out the insurance claim ones
-
An Irish Daughter had not been home for over 5 years.
Upon her return, her father cursed her, “Where have ye been all this time?
Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn’t ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum through?”The girl, crying, replied, “Sniff, sniff …. dad …. I became a
prostitute ”“Ye what??!! Out of here, ye shameless hussy! Sinner! You’re a disgrace
to this family.”“OK, dad …. as ye wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur
coat, title deed to a ten-bedroom mansion, plus a savings certificate for
£5 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex.And for ye, daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible
that’s parked outside, plus a membership in the country club…” …
(takes a breath) … “and an invitation for ye all to spend New Year’s Eve
on board me new yacht in the Riviera , and ….”“Now what was it ye said ye had become?” says dad.
Girl, crying again, “Sniff, sniff …. a prostitute, dad! …. sniff, sniff.”
“Oh! Be Jesus! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
Protestant. Come here and give yer old dad a hug!” -
After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn’t in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf.
Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg.
He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the television.As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘That was wonderful. Why did you stop?’
He said, ‘I found the remote’.
-
From Viz I’m told…
This new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my
knives in and now I’ve got nothing to eat my dinner with.
Richard Karslake, OxfordshireIf the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we’d all be
calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day
every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound
like they were good at bombing.
Christina Martin,
LondonIt is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer
brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.
Johnny PringI’m beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after
all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it’s quite warm.
Alan HeathA woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a
US tornado told ITV News that
“God would make her better.” presumably, that’s a different God
from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.
M LovejoySo Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th
anniversary of their mother’s death. I’m glad that they can finally
laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.D
Antarctica , RhyllI think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into
perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by a
one-legged person, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he’s
going to come out of this alive.
Stella MatlockWhat is it with diabetics? One minute they’re on the floor with a loved one
standing by screaming “Give him some chocolate! Give him some
chocolate!” The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick
as a flash they say “No thanks, I’m diabetic.” I wish they’d
get their story straight.
T PotterYesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action.
Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet
for a while.
WarrenTO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied “I’ll tell you when you’re
older” when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another
one’s arse: I’m 36 now and
still waiting for that explanation.
Joe McKeownI HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the
Congo and I can testify that
at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.
Neil PalmerI’M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ
great cunning and not declare that as my job. I’ll probably say I’m a
grocer or something.
A TerroristWHY DON ‘T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their
attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA
outbreaks in no time.
Stu Bray‘
Alton
Towers – Where the magic never ends’, or so the commercial
says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.
Colum Hill‘Tonight there’s gonna be a jailbreak’, sang Thin Lizzy in 1976,
‘somewhere in this town’. Well, I’m guessing it’s going to be at
the prison.
Raymond -
At an auction in Glasgow a wealthy American announced that he had lost his wallet containing £10,000 and would give a reward of £100 to the person who found it.
From the back of the hall a Scottish voice shouted, “I’ll give £150!” -
-
Jack was about to marry Jill and his father took him to one side,
‘When I married your mother the first thing I did when we got home was take off my trousers,’ he said. ‘I gave them to your mother and told her to put them on . When she did, they were enormous on her and she said to me that she couldn’t possibly wear them, as they were too large. ‘I told her, ‘Of course they’re too big, I wear the trousers in this family and I always will. ‘Ever since that day we have never had a single problem.’
Jack took his father’s advice and as soon as he got Jill alone after the wedding, he did the same thing; took off his trousers, gave them to Jill and told her to put them on. Jill said that the trousers were too big and she couldn’t possibly wear them. ‘Exactly,’ replied Jack.’I wear the trousers in this relationship and I always will. I don’t want you to forget that.’
Jill paused then removed her knickers and gave them to Jack. ‘Try these on,’ she said, so he tried them on but they were too small.
‘I can’t possibly get into your knickers,’ said Jack.
‘Exactly,’ replied Jill. ‘And if you don’t change your effin’ attitude, you never will.’
-
Hot from the Inbox:-
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
Granny replies, ‘F**k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!’Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
Billy says, ‘ Wimbledon ‘A woman standing nude in front of a mirror, says to her husband, ‘I look horrible, I feel fat & ugly, pay me a compliment.’
He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’Wife gets naked & asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Hubby looks her up & down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!’An elderly couple is attending Mass.
About halfway through, the wife leans over and says to her husband, ‘I just let out a silent fart; what do you think I should do?’
He replies, ‘Put a new battery in your hearing aid.’ -
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf
balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, ‘It’s golf balls’.
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long
time, deeply thinking about what he had said.
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any
longer, she asked.
‘Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?’
-
A man escapes from a prison where he’s been locked up for 15 years.
He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair. While tying the homeowner’s wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: ‘Listen, This guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He’s probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain…do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll Kill us both.
Be strong, honey. I love you!’
His wife responds: ‘He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he’s gay, thinks you’re cute, and asked if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong honey. I love you too.’
-
Three women friends, one in a casual relationship, one engaged to be
married and one a long-time wife, met for drinks after work. The
conversation eventually drifted towards how best to spice up their sex
lives.After much discussion, they decided to surprise their men by engaging
in some S&M role playing.The following week they met up again to compare notes.
Sipping her drink, the single girl leered and said, ‘Last Friday at the
end of the work day I went to my boyfriend’s office wearing a leather
coat. When all the other people had left, I slipped out of it and all I
had on was a leather bodice, black stockings and stiletto heels. He was
so aroused that we made mad passionate love on his desk right then and
there!’The engaged woman giggled and said, ‘That’s pretty much my story! When
my fiancé got home last Friday, he found me waiting for him in a bla ck
mask, leather bodice, black hose and stiletto pumps. He was so turned on
that we not only had sex all night, he wants to mov e up our wedding
date!The married woman put her glass down and said, ‘I did a lot of
planning. I made arrangements for the kids to stay over at Grandma’s. I
took a long scented-oil bath and then put on my best perfume. I slipped
into a tight leather bodice, a black garter belt, black stockings and
six-inch stilettos.
I finished it off with a black mask. When my husband got home from
work, he grabbed a beer and the remote, sat down and yelled, ‘Hey,
Batman, what’s for dinner?” -
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. ‘Who the hell are you?’, demanded Dave, ‘And what are you doing in my bedroom?’
The mysterious man answered, ‘This isn’t your bedroom and I’m St Peter.’
Dave was stunned. ‘You mean I’m dead !!! That can’t be, I have so much to live for – and I haven’t said goodbye to my family. . . You’ve got to send me back straight away…’
St Peter replied, ‘Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch..
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.’Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
‘This ain’t so bad’, he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
‘So you’re the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here ?’‘It’s not so bad’, replies Dave, ‘but I have this strange feeling inside like I’m about to explode.’
‘You’re ovulating’, explained the rooster. ‘Don’t tell me you’ve never laid an egg before.’
‘Never’, replies Dave.
‘Well just relax and let it happen’.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him .. . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting..
‘Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You’ve shit the bed!!’
-
While I was driving down the M62 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait. The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronising smirk,asked:
“Runway too short?”
To which I replied, “I’m late for work.”
To which he asked, “What do you do?”
“I’m a rectum stretcher,” I responded.
The copper was surprised and confused. “A what? A rectum stretcher?? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?”
“Well,” I said, “I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in,workside to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it’s about 6 feet.”
Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, “And just what do you do with a six-foot a**hole?”
To which I politely replied, “You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge…”
Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper’s face: Priceless
-
A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a bar in Dublin.
She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, very dark hairy armpit as
she pointed to all the people sitting at the bar & asked, ‘What man
here will buy a lady a drink?’
The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her, but down at the
end of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter
& bellowed….. Give the ballerina a drink!’
The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down.
She turned to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them,
revealing the same vast dark hairy armpit, and asked…… ‘What man
here will buy a lady a drink?’
Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said…… ‘Give the ballerina another drink!’
The bartender approached the little drunk and said……
‘Tell me, Murphy, it’s your business if you want to buy the lady a
drink, but why do you keep calling her a ballerina?’
The drunk replied…… ‘Any woman who can lift her leg that high has
got to be a ballerina!’ -
Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight.
She was from Quality Street; he was a Fisherman’s Friend.
On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter and she
had a Wine Gum.He asked her name, ‘Polo, I’m the one with the hole’ she said.
‘I’m the one with the nuts,’ he thought!
They checked in to an hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury
turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.It wasn’t long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her
Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly
and TicTacs.Miss Rowntree wasn’t keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take
a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as
he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a
scream of Turkish Delight.When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She
wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers
looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip
and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!Unfortunately, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned
out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts. -
That’s a really sweet joke Nobbly, thank-you.
-
Curley wurley anyone?
-
It’s all part of the new Cadbury’s ‘tasteless’ range.
-
Brilliant
-
Careful Ratty, or I may post a scathing anti-bill article and a picture of a camel!
-
No, no, please no !
-
A Primary Teacher explains to her class that she is a Liverpool fan.
She asks her students to raise their hands if they too are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl.
The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says, ‘Mary, why didn’t you raise your hand?’
‘Because I’m not a Liverpool fan,’ she replied.
The teacher, still shocked, asked, ‘Well, if you are not a Liverpool fan, then who are you a fan of?’
‘I am a Man Utd fan, and proud of it,’ Mary replied.
The teacher could not believe her ears. ‘Mary, why, pray tell, are you a Man Utd fan?’
‘Because my mum is a Man Utd fan, and my dad is a Man Utd fan, so I’m a Man Utd fan too!’
‘Well,’ said the teacher in an obviously annoyed tone, ‘that is no reason for you to be a Man Utd fan.
You don’t have to be just like your parents all of the time..
What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict, what would You be then?’
‘Then,’ Mary smiled, ‘I’d be a Liverpool fan.
-
A little girl asks her mum, ‘Mum, can I take the dog for a walk around the
block?’
Her mum replies ‘No, because she is on heat.’
‘What does that mean?’ asked the child.
‘Go and ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.’
The little girl goes out to the garage and says, ‘Dad, can I take Lulu for
a walk around the block? I asked Mum, but she said the dog was on the heat, and
to come ask you.’He took a rag, soaked it in petrol, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it
to disguise the scent, and said ‘Ok, you can go now, but keep Lulu on the
leash and only go one time around the block.’
The little girl left and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the
leash..
Surprised, Dad asked, ‘Where’s Lulu?’
.
.
.The little girl said, ‘She ran out of petrol about halfway round the block,
so another dog is pushing her home.’ -
MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU
Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.
Please select from the following options menu:
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want,
stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and
your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully
and a little voice will tell You which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, hang up.
It doesn’t matter which number you press,
nothing will make you happy anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 9-6-9-6.
If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep
or before the beep or after the beep.
But Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self-esteem, please hang up.
Our operators are too busy to talk with you.
If you are menopausal, put the gun down,
hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry.
You won’t be crazy forever.
If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons.
You’ll just mess it up.
-
Subject: New Scam
This new scam is being pulled mainly on older men. What happens is that when you stop for a red light a young, nude woman comes up and pretends to be washing your windshield. While she is doing this another person opens your back door and steals anything in the car. They are very good at this.
They got me 7 times Friday and 5 times Saturday. I wasn’t able to find them on Sunday.
-
You know Saul some people reading that may actually believe that you are joking.
-
A husband and wife are waiting at the bus-stop, with them are their 8 children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and her 8 children are able to fit in the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the
stick of the blind man and says to him, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick, that ticking sound is driving me crazy!”The blind man replies, “If you would have put a rubber on the end of YOUR stick, we’d be sitting in the bus right now, so shut up and walk.
-
A couple were on their honeymoon, lying in bed, about to consummate their marriage, when the new bride says to the husband, ‘I have a confession to make, I’m not a virgin.’
The husband replies, ‘That’s no big thing in this day and age.’
The wife continues, ‘Yeah, I’ve been with one guy.’
‘Oh yeah? Who was the guy?’
‘Tiger Woods..’
‘Tiger Woods, the golfer?’
‘Yeah.’
‘Well, he’s rich, famous and handsome. I can see why you went to bed with him.’
The husband and wife then make passionate love.
When they are done, the husband gets up and walks to the telephone.
‘What are you doing?’ asks the wife.
The husband says, ‘I’m hungry, I was going to call room service and get something to eat.’
‘Tiger wouldn’t do that.’
‘Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?’
‘He’d come back to bed and do it a second time.’
The husband puts down the phone and goes back to bed to make love a second time.
When they finish, he gets up and goes over to the phone. ‘Now what are you doing?’ she asks.
The husband says, ‘I’m still hungry so I was going to get room service to get something to eat.’
‘Tiger wouldn’t do that.’
‘Oh yeah? What would Tiger do?’
He’d come back to bed and do it again.’
The guy slams down the phone, goes back to bed, and makes love one more time.
When they finish he’s tired and beat. He drags himself over to the phone and starts to dial.
The wife asks, ‘Are you calling room service?’
‘No! I’m calling Tiger Woods, to find out what the par is for this damn hole !!’
-
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, ‘About 2 hours.’
The guy left
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, How long before I can get a haircut?’
The barber looked around at the shop and said, ‘About 3 hours.’
The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, ‘How long before I can get a haircut?’
The barber looked around the shop and said, ‘About an hour and a half.’
The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, ‘Hey, Bob, do me a favor.
Follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn’t ever come back.’
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, ‘So, where does that guy go when he leaves?’Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, ‘Your house!’
-
1. The Japanese eat very little fat�
and suffer fewer heart attacks than�
the English.�2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat�
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.�3. The Chinese drink very little red wine�
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.�4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine�
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.�5.. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats�
and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.�CONCLUSION�
Eat and drink what you like.�
Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
� -
Economic Models explained with Cows
SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.SURREALISM
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.ENRON VENTURE CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows.
The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island Company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company.
The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.
You sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows.
No balance sheet provided with the release.
The public then buys your bull.THE ANDERSEN MODEL
You have two cows.
You shred them.A FRENCH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called ‘Cowkimon’ and market it worldwide.A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don’t know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity.
You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they bomb the **** out of you and invade your country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. -
A young blonde Aberdonian girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Aberdeen docks. As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. ‘You’re not thinking of jumping, are you babes?’ he asked. ‘Yes, I am.’ replied the sobbing girl.
Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. ‘Look, nothing’s worth that. I’ll tell you what; I’m sailing off for Australia tomorrow. Why don’t you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I’ll set you up in one of the
lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I’ll look after you if you look after me – if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won’t be found’.The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn.
Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.
The girl came clean, ‘I’ve stowed away to get to Australia .. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he’s screwing me.’
The captain stared at her for a moment before he replied,
‘He certainly is love. This is the Orkney Ferry .’
-
Bloody Hell Ratty. That one’s even older than you… I’m sure those two Greek chaps wrote it.
Last time I heard it, it was Liverpool and the Birkenhead ferry.
-
Humph !
-
Littleton?
-
That’s her !
-
I’m sorry, I haven’t a clue …. what you mean.
-
I’m going to suggest that Druncan changes the name of this little corner to ‘the asylum’
-
Humphrey Littlejohn is a man, right?
So, I said, jokingly, “that’s her” instead of the usual, “that’s him.”
(and my son wants to be an Engineer?)
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Does he have an extra pocket sewn into his shirt to hold his spare pens?
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How many pens?
..and what colours?
Now this is getting interesting!
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pencil
ruler
protractor
divider
slide rule
enjoying this Nobbs?
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Bi-focals
Boiled sweets
Courdoroy trousers
Check shirt
Flies left open . . .
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too much… stop…
I’ll have to go and lie down now.
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numbers in ink on hands
odd socks
unironed shrts
laser pointer
coffee cup glued to hand
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Don’t forget the leather patches sewed on to the elbows of the jacket.
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sewn? sewn? SEWN? :sock:
glued
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1973 Land Rover
Caravan holidays
Scout leader
School governor
Morris dancer . . .
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Garden gnomes
Garden shed
Old baccy tins filled with rusty nails
slippers and cardy.
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mustn’t forget pencil tucked behind ear.
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Postman Pat’ s Last Day:
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.
When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.
At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.
The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a gorgeous blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.
‘ All this was just too wonderful for words, ‘ he said, ‘ but what’s the five quid for? ‘
‘ Well, ‘ said the dumb blonde, ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you ‘ . ‘ I asked him what I should give you ‘ .
He said, ‘ F*** him. Give him a fiver. ‘
She smiled shyly and said, ‘ The breakfast was my idea. ‘ -
A man is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn’t have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, ‘Golly, I wonder what happened to this parrot?’
The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’
‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’
Yep! I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .’
‘Oh yeah?’ the man asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’
‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’
‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’
‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’
The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’
‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me ’cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!’
The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.
Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The man is delighted.
One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’
‘What are you talking about?’ asks the man.
‘When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’
‘WHAT???’ the guy says incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’
‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.
‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’
‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….’
Then the frantic man screams, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’
‘Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!’
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2 Irish couples decide to swap partners. Afterwards Paddy said to Murphy that’s the best f*ck I’ve ever had, I wonder how the girls got on ?
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Man’s wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian coast.
He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a
couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some
really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good
news’.
‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?
The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young
Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the
reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’
The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit
of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what
the good news is.
The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few
really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so
we’ve brought you your share.’
He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or
five crabs in it.’Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill
wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?
‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young
Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over
there and pull her up again!
-
On a farm out in the country lived a man and a woman and their three sons. Early one morning, the woman awoke, and while looking out of the window onto to the pasture, she saw that the family’s only cow was lying dead in the field. The situation looked hopeless to her — how could she possibly continue to feed her family now?
In a depressed state of mind, she hung herself. When the man awoke to find his wife dead, as well as the cow, he too began to see the hopelessness of the situation, and he shot himself in he head.Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.
Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.
The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.
And there he also met the Mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”
The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”
The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY timesin arow?”
Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with methirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”
Then the young fellow asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”
-
GETTING A HAIR DRYER THROUGH CUSTOMS
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’ ‘Of course.
What may I do for you?’‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for
my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so asked,‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous large instrument designed for women,
but which is, to date, unused.’Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.
Next!’ -
A bloke arrives at a nightclub door and the bouncers say he can’t come in without a tie, so he goes to the boot of his car and gets a pair of jump leads, wraps them around his neck and goes back to the doormen. “Can I come in now?” he says to the bouncers. “Yeah, but don’t start anything”.
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Two Irish hunters, Paddy & Mick, got a pilot to fly them to Canada to hunt moose.
They managed to bag 6.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly.
‘Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,
‘Any idea where we are?’
Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’
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Bob works hard 5 days a week spends two nights each week at bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.
His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.
The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’
His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.
‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.
When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’
‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’
A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’
Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.
Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.
Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.
Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .
She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.
The cabby turns around and says,
‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’
BOB’s funeral will be on Friday.
