His wife thinks he’s pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, ‘Hey, Bob! How ya doin?’

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

‘Oh no,’ says Bob. ‘He’s in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he’d like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, ‘How did she know that you drink Budweiser?’

‘I recognize her, she’s the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.’

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

‘Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?’

Bob’s wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

‘Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.’

BOB’s funeral will be on Friday.

They managed to bag 6.

As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two lads objected strongly.

‘Last year we shot six. The pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours.’

Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded. However, even on full power, the little plane couldn’t handle the load and went down.

Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick survived the crash. After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick,

‘Any idea where we are?’

Mick replied, ‘I think we’re pretty close to where we crashed last year.’

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the
Priest beside her, ‘Father, may I ask a favour?’ ‘Of course.
What may I do for you?’

‘Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for
my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs
limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could
carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?’

‘I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not
lie.’ ‘With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.’

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.
The official asked, ‘Father, do you have anything to declare?’

‘From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to
declare.’ The official thought this answer strange, so asked,

‘And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?’
‘I have a marvelous large instrument designed for women,
but which is, to date, unused.’

Roaring with laughter, the official said, ‘Go ahead, Father.
Next!’

Now the oldest son woke up to discover his parents dead (and the cow!), and he decided to go down to the river and drown himself. When he got to the river, he discovered a mermaid sitting on the bank. She said, “I’ve seen all and know the reason for your despair. But if you will have sex with me five times in a row, I will restore your parents and the cow to you.” The son agreed to try, but after four times, he was simply unable to satisfy her again. So the mermaid drowned him in the river.

Next the second oldest son woke up. After discovering what had happened, he too decided to throw himself into the river. The mermaid said to him, “If you will have sex with me ten times in a row, I will make everything right.” And while the son tried his best (seven times!), it was not enough to satisfy the mermaid, so she drowned him in the river.

The youngest son, woke up and saw his parents dead, the dead cow in the field, and his brothers gone. He decided that life was a hopeless prospect, and he went down to the river to throw himself in.

And there he also met the Mermaid. “I have seen all that has happened, and I can make everything right if you will only have sex with me fifteen times in a row.”

The young son replied, “Is that all? Why not twenty times in a row?”

The mermaid was somewhat taken aback by this request. Then he said, “Hell, why not twenty-five times in a row?” And even as she was reluctantly agreeing to his request, he said, “Why not THIRTY timesin arow?”

Finally, she said, “Enough!! Okay, if you will have sex with methirty times in a row, then I will bring everybody back to perfect health.”

Then the young fellow asked, “Wait! How do I know that thirty times in a row won’t kill you like it did the cow?”

He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night

wondering what could have happened to her.

Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a

couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

The Sarge says, ‘Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some

really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good

news’.

‘Well,’ says the bloke, ‘I guess I’d better have the bad news first?

The Sarge says, ‘I’m really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young

Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the

reef. He got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.’

The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit

of a turn. But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what

the good news is.

The Sarge says, ‘Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few

really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so

we’ve brought you your share.’

He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or

five crabs in it.’Geez thanks. They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill

wind and all that… So what’s the other possible good news?

‘Well’, the Sarge says, ‘if you fancy a quick trip, me and young

Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over

there and pull her up again!

The parrot says, ‘I was born this way. I’m a defective parrot.’

‘Holy crap,’ the guy replies. ‘You actually understood and answered me!’

Yep! I got every word,’ says the parrot. ‘I happen to be a highly intelligent, thoroughly educated bird .’

‘Oh yeah?’ the man asks, ‘Then answer this — how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?’

‘Well,’ the parrot says, ‘this is very embarrassing but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar like a little hook. You can’t see it because of my feathers.’

‘Wow,’ says the guy. ‘You really can understand and speak English can’t you?’

‘Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic: politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I’m especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me. I’d be a great companion.’

The man looks at the £200.00 price tag. ‘Sorry, but I just can’t afford that.’

‘Pssssssst,’ says the parrot, ‘I’m defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me ’cause I don’t have any feet. You can probably get me for £20, just make the guy an offer!’

The man offers £20 and walks out with the parrot.

Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he’s interesting, he’s a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he’s insightful. The man is delighted.

One day the man comes home from work and the parrot goes, ‘Psssssssssssst,’ and motions him over with one wing. ‘I don’t know if I should tell you this or not, but it’s about your wife and the postman.’

‘What are you talking about?’ asks the man.

‘When the postman delivered the mail today, your wife greeted him at the door in a sheer black nightie.’

‘WHAT???’ the guy says incredulously. ‘THEN what happened?’

‘Well, then the postman came into the house and lifted up her nightie and began petting her all over,’ reported the parrot.

‘NO!’ he exclaims. ‘And she let him?’

‘Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees and began to kiss her all over….’

Then the frantic man screams, ‘THEN WHAT HAPPENED?’

‘Damned if I know. I got an erection and fell off my perch!’

It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same villages and towns.

When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a cheque for £50.

At the second house they presented him an 18-carat gold watch.

The folks at the third house handed him a bottle of 15-year old Scotch whisky.

At the fourth house he was met at the door by a gorgeous blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When they went downstairs, the blonde fixed him a full English breakfast: bacon, eggs, sausage & tomato with freshly squeezed orange juice. As she was pouring him a cup of steaming coffee, he noticed a £5 note sticking out from under the cup.
‘ All this was just too wonderful for words, ‘ he said, ‘ but what’s the five quid for? ‘
‘ Well, ‘ said the dumb blonde, ‘Last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day and that we should do something special for you ‘ . ‘ I asked him what I should give you ‘ .
He said, ‘ F*** him. Give him a fiver. ‘
She smiled shyly and said, ‘ The breakfast was my idea. ‘