Ode Tae a Fart

by duncanr

Jan 25th is the birthday of Rabbie Burns – Scotland’s National Bard (you paying attention YnB ?)

Around the world, people will be gathering together to commemorate the occasion with food, drink, music, song, dancing, speeches and recitations of his poetry

One of Burns most famous poems was Tae a Mouse’ which gave us the immortal lines –

‘The best laid plans of mice and men
Gang aft agley’

In true MadHatters style we present our own tribute to Rabbie based loosely (very loosely) on Tae a Mouse

Tae a Fart

Oh what a sleekit horrible beastie
Lurks in your belly efter the feastie
Just as ye sit doon among yer kin
There sterts to stir an enormous wind
The neeps and tatties and mushy peas
Stert workin like a gentle breeze
But soon the puddin wi the sauncie face
Will have ye blawin all ower the place

Nae matter whit the hell ye dae
A’body’s gonnae hiv tae pay
Even if ye try tae stifle
It’s like a bullet oot a rifle
Hawd yer bum tight tae the chair
Tae try and stop the leakin air
Shifty yersel fae cheek tae cheek
Prae tae God it doesnae reek

But aw yer efforts go assunder
Oot it comes like a clap o thunder
Ricochets aroon the room
Michty me a sonic boom
God almighty it fairly reeks
Hope I huvnae shit my breeks
Tae the bog I better scurry
Aw whit the hell it’s no ma worry

A’body roon aboot me chokin
Wan or two are nearly bokin
I’ll feel better for a while
Cannae help but raise a smile
Wiz him! I shout with accusin glower
Alas too late, he’s just keeled ower
Ye dirty bugger they shout and stare
A dinnae feel welcome any mair

Where e’ere ye go let yer wind gan’ free
Sounds like just the job fur me
Whit a fuss at rabbie’s party
Ower the sake o one wee farty


11 Comments to “Ode Tae a Fart”

  1. yes, i’m paying attention….but I highly doubt the entire world will be celebrating. 😉

    did you write this after having a bowl of mushy peas?


  2. Don’t worry, YnB.

    I’m half Scottish and don’t rate Rabbie Burns, don’t celebrate his night, and (forgive me, Duncan…) can’t bloody stand haggis.


  3. There was an large statue of Robbie Burns in the centre of Dunedin (NZ) when I was growing up. My father built the plinth it rested on.



  4. Duncan, all the best for your first Burns Night without Anita. Are you staying in or going out? I’m sure it will be tough; thinking of you…


    • Thanks, Dave

      We usually go to 3 or 4 Burns Suppers but cut those down to just one as Anita’s health deteriorated.

      Had invites to one on Friday night just passed and another on Saturday night but I didn’t go to either – too soon after Anita’s funeral and I’m inclined to burst into tears at odd moments right now so didn’t want to embarrass myself. Got another one this coming Saturday but I won’t go to that one either – for the same reason.


  5. And top marks to whoever penned this ditty to a botty burp, high quality prose…


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