Alternatives to ‘Fuck’

by duncanr

The word ‘fuck’ is an incredibly useful word. Not only does it refer to the insertion of a penis into a vagina – to the mutual satisfaction (it is hoped) of both participants in the act – it also covers a multitude of scenarios in the workplace. It is an extremely versatile word. However, some easily offended pain in the arse nancy boys and straight-laced bitches have complained. As a result, the Management Team have devised a set of alternative phrases to be used on those occasions where one would normally have used the word fuck or it’s variants . . .

No fucking way ! – [I’m certain that’s not feasible]
Do I give a fuck ? – [Of course I’m concerned]
It’s not my fucking problem – [I wasn’t involved with that project]
What the fuck ? – [That’s interesting]
Fuck it. It won’t work – [I’m not sure I can impliment this]
Why the fuck didn’t you tell me that sooner ? – [I’ll try to schedule that]
When the fuck do you expect me to do this ? – [Perhaps I can work late]
Who the fuck cares ? – [are you sure this is a problem?]
What the fuck do they want ? – [they weren’t happy with it?]
Kiss my fucking arse – [so you’d like my help with it?]
Shove it up your fucking arse – [I love a challenge]
Who the fuck died and made you the boss? – [You want me to take care of this?]
Fuck me – [I see]
Another fucking meeting ? – [Yes, we really should discuss this]
I really don’t give a fuck – [I don’t think it will be a problem]
He’s a fucking prick – [He’s somewhat insensitive]
She’s a fucking bitch – [She’s ambitious]
You don’t know what the fuck you’re doing – [I think you could use more training]
This place is all fucked up – [We’re a little disorganised]


5 Comments to “Alternatives to ‘Fuck’”

  1. Absolutely fucking brilliant…


    • can’t take all the credit, dave.

      I wrote the intro but the substance of the post was written by someone else – who I don’t know

      was going through the contents of an old external hard drive and found this there – something I downloaded from the internet years ago so I don’t have a source for it


  2. Change all those to “smurf” and it still works.


  3. “For fuck’s sake” — “Now this is a development I hadn’t anticipated.”


  4. I hope you all enjoy this video as much as I did–it’s especially good for getting yourself out of a lousy mood:


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