Bloody GPS

by duncanr

kristen dacosta

F*cken GPS !

Some folk are just not cut out for a life of crime

Take Kristen DaCosta, for instance.

On probation for earlier crimes, she broke into a house in Somerset, Massachusetts, and stole jewellery.

She was careful to avoid leaving any trace of her presence – she didn’t trash the place, and left everything just as she found it (with the exception of the jewelry)

Nevertheless, the police had no problem identifying her as the thief.

She forgot about . . .the the GPS tracker bracelet fitted to her ankle as a condition of her probation which enabled the police to monitor her movements and registered her presence in the burgled house

Just a suggestion mind, but I think Ms DaCosta should seriously consider a new line of work !

Source –


23 Comments to “Bloody GPS”

  1. I guess she though no one would be watching. And that it wasn’t being recorded.


  2. …meanwhile, it suddenly dawned on Kristen, as she laid out the silver for the Chief Warden’s dinner for two, to which she had been given special dispensation to attend provided she promised to be of good behaviour, that Julie had borrowed her bracelet and diamond tiara to go to that ‘ultimate jewelry party’ the weekend before she’d been arrested, and she’d returned the bracelet but not the tiara.
    I must go and see her when I get out of here, she thought…


    • “Hmmm.” thought chief warden duncan, in his most important tone of thought…


      • whilst all the while, absentmindedly fingering his nightstick

        “What . . .


        • … should I wear for dinner? Why hasn’t ratty returned my frilly panties. What on earth is he doing with them…


          • Hitting them with a hammer, in order to get them in the washing machine..?


            • …or lasciviously licking the lace whilst imagining my dinner for two…?
              Suddenly duncan came too to…


              • With an agility surprising for one of his age, he sprung across the room and pulled open the door. Fast as he was though, whoever had slipped the piece of white card under the door was faster still. The corridor outside was empty in both directions. He picked up the card and turned it over


                He recognised the language immediately – [he had studied Welsh at college]. It appeared to be a recipe for a vegetable samosa. But what did it mean? Was it a code of some sort? Was it a message from Nobbly? The bugger had gone to Wales for a week. On holiday he said. But was that the truth? Was there a dark, more sinister reason for his presence in Wales. I mean, who in their right mind would chose to go there for a holiday of all things ?

                So many questions!

                Oh well, it provided the perfect excuse to visit Julie. Her ancestry was Welsh. He would show her the note. Perhaps she would see something he had missed. With that thought in mind, he set out to find her, twirling his nightstick in his hand as he went


              • Meanwhile, Julie stood naked in front of the hallway mirror admiring a large diamond tiara adorning her fevered brow, her breasts like ripe melons heaving as she felt herself gripped by an inexplicable passion…


                • ..fruit. The passionfruit laughed drunkenly as it ran through the hallway towards…


                  • …the front, where it inexplicably missed colliding with the Chief Warden who was attempting to enter her passage from outside. “Nobbly!” exclaimed the Chief Warden…


                    • … who also noticed Eunice vomiting all over the floor at the horrid thought of seeing any madhatter naked.


                    • Julie finished putting on her lipstick, took off her birthday suit, and after pointing out the mop to eunice, went to greet her really really ancient geriatric centenarian old friend duncan.
                      “贤宇” she enthused, exuding warmth and tenderness. “在济州岛?”
                      “在济州岛” responded duncan engagingly, “妆的雅 Nobbly?”
                      “子朱 Nobbly” she opined hotly. “娘化妆 的雅 inexplicable”
                      “子朱 ratty 子朱 stickybud 雅兰” she hinted suggestively. “时间已经化好新娘 ?”
                      “以幸福的” intimated duncan smoothly
                      “娘化妆 的雅” invited Julie invitingly.
                      “岛宴 场 whisky所” expected Duncan expectantly, as he entered her passage. “州岛宴场所?”
                      “No, it’s not samosa” exclaimed Julie. “It’s Nobbly’s favourite recipe for disaster…


                    • “…a Cornish Pastie” explained Nobbly inexplicably, through the open window…


                    • ‘Hot diggity!’ said duncan, on hearing nobbly’s voice “was that nobbly I just heard explaining an inexplicable thing through the open window?’

                      “Jiminy cricket!

                      I’ll have to bust my ass if I’m to squeeze in some americanisms before the little 拉屎 pops up again’

                      In a further act of defiance he lobbed a handful of smileys at the open window 😆 😉 🙂 😉 🙂 😆 🙂 😆 😉 then . . .


  3. …in walked stickybud*.

    “Leave me out of this, you 在济州岛s!” he screamed up the stairs, and then went to the kitchen to rifle the fridge for Cornish pasties, where he saw ratty…


  4. Grimacing, Nobbly ducked as the smilies passed harmlessly over his head (as did most things – dining tables included). They fell harmlessly on the ground behind him, where they provided amusement for a passing three year old and a couple of tory back benchers who were following the child in order to steal his sweets.

    Intrigued, Nobbly resolved to discover more about this Jiminy Cricket, and whether or not the England team were any better at it than they were at the other sort. But first, he was determined to prevent Duncan from breaking his bottom and further embarrassing himself by pretending to be a septic tank.

    Wearing nothing but his best 拉屎, our hero approached a nearby fridge burglar, and summoning up his best Welsh accent, uttered the one of the few Welsh phrases that had been of use to him during his recent exile.



    • ratty spun on the heels of his freshly-polished wellies, catching in his gaping mouth a cold Cornish pastie, lobbed by stickybud*, who was feverishly emptying the fridge. As sticky climbed inside and pulled the door shut, the turgid rodent lunged towards the unsuspecting semi-naked, diminutive Oldhamite, who had bent to tie the laces of his 拉屎…


  5. “GET BACK IN YOUR BLOODY CAGE!” roared the red-faced Scotsman, appearing suddenly in the doorway. A fusilade of angry smileys followed the startled satyr-rat out of the back door.


    With that, Duncan closed the hasp, and snapped the chubb lock closed.


  6. “It was that Yorkshire git – he ate all your samosas, and the Cornish pasties, then scarpered! Fancy a pint, Duncs?”


  7. Julie paced the floor of the loungeroom repeating softly to herself:
    “子朱 Nobbly, 子朱 ratty, 子朱 stickybud,子朱 Duncan,子朱 ’em all…”


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