Introducing . . .

by duncanr

In a typically characteristic and selfless act, once again demonstrating MH’s awareness of its social responsibilities, we now offer a service for readers’ with personal problems. This takes the form of a caring and confidential Advice Column, counselling the desperate and (purely unintentionally, of course) generating more daily hits and increasing advertising revenue.

To this end we are fortunate in securing the services of one Nurse Schadenfreude to take on the demanding role of Agony Aunt.

It is appropriate that we familiarise you with Nurse Schadenfreude’s background. Unfortunately, little is known. She herself, is a very private person and not at all forthcoming. All we have are unsubstantiated rumours suggesting that she is the result of . . . Genetic engineering by a German clinic established in Brazil in the latter days of WWII. Documents reveal that an Eva Schadenfreude studied Advanced Proctology at the Einegezundheitbrustwarzeichliebemich Institute in Sao Paulo, but there the lead runs cold. Similarly, a Nurse fitting her description was reportedly employed by the STASI in East Berlin but, prior to Germany’s reunification, all her files were accidentally shredded and incinerated.

What IS known is that OUR Nurse Schadenfreude settled in Britain in the late 90’s. Semi-retired, she works part-time as a practitioner in Electric Shock Therapy at a private clinic in Wales.

If you have a dilemma that you need help with, then forward it to

Please be assured that all corespondence will be treated with the utmost confidentiality. For this purpose a
“gender only” avatar will accompany any letters published.

If you wish to respond to a particular problem, then use the normal response boxes provided. In the event of two or more problems appearing, please make it clear which subject you are commenting on.

Nurse Schadenfreude has reluctantly agreed the less formal address of Nurse Shady in her correspondences with you.

And now, a quick word from the lady, herself . . .

привет, I am Nurse Schadenfreude and it has fallen to me to provide you (if I can be arsed) with a bi-weekly and confidential counselling service advising on problems that, quite frankly, bore the tits off me.

However, rather than my addressing a problem immediately, allowing me to slope off to the Gasthause to get hammered, I have been ordered to give first pickings to MH readers to offer their own insular, unqualified, thick-as-scheiße views first.

Consequently, I will post some retard’s dilemma on a Friday, obligingly letting you string one or more (correctly spelt) words into an intelligible comment, and then – endgültig – pass my infinitely superior judgement on the Monday. At the same time, I will put up a new problem post, repeating the procedure until the following Friday, etc.

Got it . . ???

Bis zum nächsten Mal !

Nurse “Shady” (Shudder)


18 Comments to “Introducing . . .”

  1. Here, to get the ball rolling, is MH’s first saddo. Peter, from London.

    Moan away, Peter . . .

    . . . and readers, don’t hesitate to enlighten him with your sage advice. The poor bugger will probably be a basket case before I can comment !


  2. Peter of London writes :
    Dear Nurse Shady, My wife and I have been happily married for thirteen years and, until recently, have enjoyed an harmonious and active sex life. Lately, however, just at the moment of penetration, I lose my erection. This is quite distressing and putting a strain on my marriage as my wife is beginning to believe that I no longer desire her.

    A colleague at work suggested I slide a couple of lollipop sticks down the sides of a condom, but I’m not altogether sure he was being serious.

    Should I seek medical help, or would you recommend some sort of exercise?

    Please can you advise – Peter


  3. Exercise is the key to it all, Peter.

    A brisk walk to the pub for a couple of stiff ones should sort things out.

    Ah…when I say ‘stiff ones’, I mean drinks. Sorry… I didn’t mean to rub it in or anything.


    • Talking of ‘rubbing it in’ – have you tried masturbating with Araldite, Peter? Gives you a good erection but, unfortunately, you can’t get your hand off it for a few weeks.


  4. I think stress has a lot to do with it. Relax, and get a couple of good night’s kip. If you go to sleep with a problem on your mind, the chances are you’ll wake up with a solution on your belly.


  5. Dear Peter of London

    Your ‘problem’ is by no means uncommon. After 13 yrs of marriage, your wife has probably let herself go a bit (not every man is turned on by fluffy bedsocks and a flannel nightie!). Your loss of erection at point of penetration is a natural defence mechanism of the male body to prevent having sex with slags. This inhibition against shagging slags is weakened, however, by alcohol. Would suggest, therefore, you get ‘hammered’ before next attempting sex with that fat lump of lard your wife. And if that doesn’t work, you’ll be too sozzled to give a f*ck anyway!


  6. Exercise. Tell the truth then run for it.


  7. Dear Peter of London,

    We quite understand your wife’s problem, and suggest the quickest way to solve it is to enlist the specialist service of MadHatters Toy Boy Escorts. For our deluxe service, please make a booking for your wife with concierge@allesklar.madhatters. Alternatively you may wish to take advantage of our budget service by contacting ratty@quickanddirtyjob.madhatters.

    Sincerely, MTBE Services


  8. Is nurse shady’s first name slim??


    • Aha! Maybe some of Nurse Shady’s, errm, shady past is beginning to surface.

      Is bearman a “boy from Brazil,” or is he an ex-suitor of our fair agony aunt, or maybe he too, worked for the STASI ?

      We should be told.


  9. I must say I find Nurse Schady… quite… alluring…
    You wouldn’t have her phone number would you duncs? That is assuming you have no… er… romantic interest yourself


  10. “Nurse Schadenfreude” doesn’t have a pet snake named ‘killum’ by any chance??


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