The Scottish Horticulturist’s Guide to Rose Planting

by duncanr

thebirthdayroseIt was my birthday on Wednesday and, to mark the occasion, a friend gave me a ‘Birthday Rose’ bush

Today, I set about planting it in the garden

For those who have never planted a rose bush here is a step by step guide to how i did it . . .

Materials

be sure to have handy –

one strimmer
one spade
one bag of compost
one watering can
two bottles of wine
one glass (optional)

Step 1 – select a suitable area for planting

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Hhmm, need to cut that grass back a bit first

Step 2 – enjoy a glass of wine while contemplating next step

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Step 3 – cut back long grass using strimmer

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

That’s more like it

Step 4 – repeat step 2

Step 5 – fetch bag of compost from boot of car – spend 20 minutes looking for f*cken spade

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Step 6 – repeat Step 2

Step 7 – dig big (hic) fucken hole

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Step 8 – repeat Step 2

Step 9 – ram the f*cken rose in the

Step 9 – put some of the compost in the hole

Step 10 – repeat step 2

Step 11 – ram the place the rose bush in the hole and pack with more compost and earth

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Step 12 – repeat step 2

Step 13 – water the newly planted bush

Step 14 – open 2nd (hic) bottle of wine

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

Step 15 – give Wee Rab a bollocking for pissing all over the newly planted rose bush

23 Comments to “The Scottish Horticulturist’s Guide to Rose Planting”

  1. BRILLIANT !

    Like

  2. A big belated Happy Birthday! hope you enjoyed. Your absence was noted…

    Like

  3. Seen that way, maybe I should give gardening a second chance. Are you fgoing to drink red wine for the red rose bush? Sound’s like good theory to apply. Happy birthday!

    Like

  4. Step 16 Bury dead, shriveled rose bush.

    Like

    • Too damn right. That’s my style of gardening.

      It was summed up nicely by a cartoon I saw a few years ago, with a woman looking wistfully at some plant or other in a garden centre, and her husband saying “Let it live dear, let it live.”

      Like

  5. Looking wistfully at a wisteria
    She gazed at the gazebo
    A tractor attracted her attention
    No place for a placebo

    The garden sent her to this place
    The heart’s-ease made her ticker race
    Her clematis, it throbbed apace
    As she drank her Tchibo*

    (Well, do you know how many words end in ‘ebo’? Two. And how many end in ‘ibo’? None.)

    Like

  6. “Obileegobalov, Bill.”

    “Obileegobalov, Ben.”

    “Weee-eed !”

    Bill and Ben, Bill and Ben,
    Bill and Ben, Bill and Ben, flowerpot men.
    Flowerpot men, flowerpot men,
    Bill and Ben, Bill and Ben, flowerpot men.

    Like

  7. Oh dear. It’s a shame when they get to his age.

    Now now Mr. ratty, there’s no need to get upset. Just stop waving it about, and put it away, please. The nurse will be along in a minute with your nice medicine.

    Yes, Mr. ratty, the nurse will be wearing a skimpy little uniform with black stockings and a short skirt. At least, he will be if I offer to pay him double time and give him Monday off to recover.

    Like

  8. Did you hear about the punk horticulturist?

    Joe Strimmer.

    Like

  9. Could I please have some of what you lot have on Sundays? It looks like good shit!!!

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: