Shit Happens – in a Car Park

by duncanr

poo1Some dirty bugger has been – once a week for the past 7 months – leaving a pile of shit on the middle of the Misterton village hall car park – and the villagers who have to clean up the mess are pissed off about it

They know the Phantom Shitter of Misterton is human and not an animal because . . .

the pile of crap is too large to be that of an animal

the presence of toilet paper amongst the pile of shit suggests a human rather than an animal perpetrator

when they put up a sign asking the shitter to cease shitting, he (or she) pulled the sign down and shat on that – suggesting the phantom shitter

a) can read and understand English

b) has a sense of humour that would qualify him as a madhatter

[Now far be it for me to state the bleeding obvious but if the villagers in Misterton really want to get to the bottom of this mystery, why don’t they organise a poop patrol to catch the phantom shitter with his (or her) pants down ?]

18 Comments to “Shit Happens – in a Car Park”

  1. It is kind of funny,,,,,,


  2. It’s probably someone with a wife and a couple of daughters and can never get into the bathroom.


  3. Just a theory….

    It’s late at night in Misterton, the car park near the hall
    A shady, pantless figure squats, his face set in a snarl
    He pushes, squeezes, gasps and moans
    The effort flexing all his bones
    A sound akin to bass trombones
    Accompanies it all

    He takes a pause, then tries again, and pulls apart his cheeks
    And then appears a mighty log, a shade of burnished teak
    He grips and braces, pushes harder
    Engaged in his lone intifada
    And frees the contents of his larder
    Imprisoned for a week

    And as the product spirals down, his visage still contorts
    He muses on what brings him here each week to risk being caught
    His mind goes back some thirty years
    A little wolf cub sobbing tears
    Booted out to mocking jeers
    For messing in his shorts

    Apologies to all those of a sensitive nature, etc., and ratty


  4. 😆

    Sorry, Nobs


  5. Some of you know and some of you don’t, but I’m involved with a group of conservation volunteers in looking after a local bit of moorland/woodland near to where I live.

    We have recently had a similar situation in which some filthy bastard has been having a crap in the same spot in the corner of one of our woods. This has been going on for some time, and as in the case of the Phantom Shitter of Misterton, the Clueless Crapper of Crompton Moor has also been leaving bog roll on top of his offerings, thus ruling out animal involvement.

    An extra ‘yuck’ factor or to be more accurate an ‘Oh fucking hell, no! – I think I’m going to be sick’ factor is that on a couple of occasions before we realised what was actually happening, one of my dogs had rolled in this stuff.

    We are currently planting gorse, nettles and the odd fucking landmine in the area to try and stop this dirty bastard, but if I ever have to don the surgical gloves and hose down the dog again after our morning walk I will personally fill the evil twat full of a 25Kg bag of sand and cement mix….. when we catch him.


  6. It looks beautiful, Nobs. Need to borrow a 12″ funnel?


  7. Probably a cunning ploy by Ivory poachers to divert your attention away from their mass slaughter of Compton Moor elephants.

    Trust me.


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