Nobbly’s Vacation – Day 2

by duncanr
you put your right arm in . . .

you put your right arm in . . .

Pulling his tummy in, Nobbly cast an approving glance at the figure reflected back at him in the mirror

Yes, he was still a fine figure of a man – [albeit one of less than average stature]

He knew some people thought him a tight-fisted short-arse (and those were his friends!] but he was a firm believer in the truth of the old saying . . .

look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves

and it would have been a scandalous waste of good drinking money to buy a new swimming costume when there was still years of use left in great-grandfather, Albert’s costume

With one last . . .admiring glance in the mirror, he left the room to join Mrs Nobbly and the little Nobblies by the pool

It took some time to locate them – [almost seemed as if they were trying to hide?]

When he did finally find them, he was despatched to fetch some drinks from the bar

Jumping up and down to attract the barman’s attention, he was arrested in mid-jump by the unmistakable call of the tourist californius

california_touristsNot native to these shores, tourist californius is a sub-species of tourist americanus which regularly migrates during the summer months from their normal habitat in the USA to parts of Europe

Arran not being on the usual migratory path, Nobbly surmised that some untoward event had separated these two from the rest of the herd and they were now hopelessly lost – the map clasped in the female’s hands lending some support to this deduction

With a growing feeling of unease, Nobbly saw they were heading in his direction

Bugger‘, he muttered under his breath, when a quick glance round revealed no means of escape.  He sensed his holiday was about to take a turn for the worst

And how right he was !

Excuse me, bud“, said the male member of the pair.

Can you . . . .

************

Over to you guys now

Anyone want to add a sentence or paragraph or two in the comment section to develop the story ?

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10 Comments to “Nobbly’s Vacation – Day 2”

  1. “…Show us how to get to Laycester Square?”

    The lankless Lancastrian’s eyes bulged so much, that their swivelling was seriously curtailed.

    “Laycester Square?!!?”. The scourge of beyond-pond colonials stood shaking in his wellies, his ever-reddening face twitching like a sack full of scorpions.

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  2. “You sure you’re OK, Bud? You look to me like you might be requiring some immediate medical intervention, courtesy of Uncle Sam: Major Wilmot Q Schnitzelburger, United States Medical Corps (retd), at your service! Help me get him onto his back, Martha!…”

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  3. Gasping for breath, Nobbly began to hyperventilate as the tourist americanus closed in on him. He tried to side-step them and make a dash for the door. But these were seasoned tourists – well versed in the many ways locals tried to avoid them – and the female of the two neatly altered position to close off the opportunity for escape

    Er, you’re a bit of tr-r-r-ack’, stammered Nobbly

    That’s what we find odd’, said the male. ‘We met these very friendly guys in Trafalgar Square. And one of them gave us very specific directions – which we followed to the letter

    A light-bulb appeared above Nobbly’s head as a thought occurred to him

    Er, were these guys wearing skirts by any chance ?

    And was the guy who gave you very specific directions to this place – my holiday destination – a bare-footed, baldy-heided git with a long straggly beard and 3 wee dugs at his heels?

    Why that’s him to a ‘T’”, replied the tourists americanus in unison

    F*cken b*stard – I’ll kill the c*nt’, said Nobbly – [only without the asterisks !]

    Just then . . .

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  4. Hi! I nominated you for Sunshine Award. Please get the badges at http://wp.me/p32YrK-cu and get more info. Have a great day.:)

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  5. “FUCK YOUR SUNSHINE AWARD!” screamed the diminutive designer, as his eyes recoiled from the lupine figure that had suddenly materialised, and surveyed the grey Arran sky. “The only sun we’re gonna see is a 3-day-old copy of a grubby Murdoch rag! And as if it’s not enough to interrupt the comments on Mad Hatters posts, I can’t even go away on holiday without you following me to one of the remotest parts of the country! Begone, you lycanthropic ligger!”

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    • the male tourist americanus (hence-fore abbreviated to male ‘anus’) carried on as if nothing untoward had just happened

      ‘ but why would he misdirect us?’

      ‘it’s his weird sense of humour’, said Nobbly

      ‘But if you catch the ferry back to the mainland, turn left at the post-office and follow the signs to ‘The North or Inverness, then when you get there take the road to John 0’ Groats, you’ll be able to catch a ferry to Orkney. Ask any of the locals there for directions to Laycester Square and they’ll be sure to tell you where to go

      With that, Nobbly made a dash for the exit, but if he was hoping he had seen the last of the tourist americanus he was very much mistaken

      Next day . . .

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  6. … Nobbly was sitting quietly at the breakfast table correcting the spelling and grammar errors in The Morning Herald in red pen, oblivious to the world around him.

    Next moment he heard an almighty yell ‘HEY SIR’ …. he peered over his glasses to find the dreaded anus striding towards him with meaning …..

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  7. …and it began to dawn on Nobbly, that his thoughts were racing at approximately Pi on 2 times normal, because he’d already got up to correcting the sports section, unless… and the even more awful truth began to dawn, also on Nobbly, that the entire business section might be missing, which could explain…. ….when it began to dawn on Nobbly, that the approaching loud Hawaiin shirt with its (without apostrophe) connection to the loud greeting, presaged an invasion. He quickly deployed his first line of defence (with a ‘c’), a defensive smile…
    “Hello.” he said, smiling defensively. “Nice weather we’re having” (while remembering the wether of yesterday)
    ” 😉 “, replied the tourist californicatus leaving Nobbly momentarily discombobulated. “Can I tark with you momentarily?”
    Nobbly began to focus intently on a point about six inches above the left shoulder of the anus, as he struggled to recall the episode of ‘Days of Our Lives’ he’d glimpsed momentarily, five years earlier, where the exact same phrase had been uttered.
    ” 😯 ” said Nobbly in as many words, not realising what he hadn’t said…

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  8. “You’ve forgotten the comma, mate”.

    “Excuse me?”

    “I said you’ve forgotten the comma, mate. You said “Hey sir”. There is a small pause between ‘hey’ and ‘sir’ so you should have inserted a comma between them, to signify this. You should have said “Hey, sir”.

    And in any case, what do you yanks know about the fucking English language, eh? You don’t even know how to spell it, let alone speak it, cunt. You seem to have an aversion to the letter ‘u’. What’s wrong with it then, eh? Almost completely expunged: honor instead of honour, color instead of colour, humor instead of humour, for god’s sake. I could go on. But when you do decide to use a letter ‘u’, you can’t even pronounce it properly. Stoopid. I think that’s what most of you fuckers are. And what is it about ‘ile’ endings? What you call a missile is a fucking prayer book to me. Fragel? I pronounce it fragile, you asshole. Tomato, tomato. Car tires? My car doesn’t tire. Might break down sometimes, but it’s always full of energy. And talking about energy, how come you lot, with about 5% of the world’s population, consume 25% of the world’s power? And all this NSA information-gathering. You buggers are a threat to the whole world. But one thing that really gets my back up is FUCKEN. I know this yankee-lover who uses it all the time, and when I get back from my holiday, I’m going to….

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  9. . . . pull myself up to my full height, and head-but him in the colon. That should cross his eyes (and dot his tees.)

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