The First Time

by duncanr

drunk-toon-scot100As I mentioned last week, tonight is my annual reunion with around 60 other Scots living here in the Midlands

We’ll be doing a bit of male bonding – drinking lots of beer and whisky, telling jokes and stories, singing songs, playing guitars, pipes, and getting maudlin and homesick for the auld country

I’m leaving my guitar and concertina at home tonight – [there’s plenty of musicians more talented than me going to be there] – and will be doing a ‘comic’ turn instead. Here’s a preview of some of the material I’ll be presenting tonight . . .

I remember the first time I tried it
I was only a lad o’ sixteen
And though she was younger than I was
She was much more composed and serene.

It was doon in the byre on the straw
At the end o’ a fine summer’s day
The air was scented wi’clover
And the smell of freshly cut hay

I was eager, but nervous and awkward
No sure just how to proceed
But she never minded my shyness
And so I commenced wi’ the deed

I mind how she moved a bit closer
An’ the touch of her body was warm
A gey queer feeling cam ower me
As she nestled her heid in my airm

Wi’ mounting excitement I started
Fashed aboot daeing it right
But as I got into my rhythm
She gave a wee moan of delight

All this happened a long time ago
But still I remember it now
I’ll never forget the joy that I felt
That time . . . .







> I milked my first cow

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7 Comments to “The First Time”

  1. Haha I loved this! Just read it out to my daughter and we were giggling like school girls 🙂 xx


  2. That is hilarious Duncan. I am certain it will play to rave reviews tonight.
    Any issues with flooding where you are?


  3. Ha ha. Brilliant Duncan. Have a fab night you’ve only been looking forward to it for ages! Oh to be a fly in the wall, up to about midnight after that I would rather not think about it.


  4. I seem to have a gaping hole in my memory

    I remember the first part of the evening. I remember getting up to do ‘my turn’ (a couple of comic poems). I remember going round with a pitcher of beer topping up glasses but . . . . the rest of the evening is a blank

    I don’t remember any of the later ‘turns’

    I don’t remember the traditional singing of Auld Lang Syne at the end of the evening

    I don’t remember saying goodbye to anyone

    I don’t remember getting into the car to bring me home

    I don’t remember if I took the dogs round the park after I got home

    I don’t remember going to bed – but when I woke up this morning it was to find I was sharing my bed with 3 dogs who had taken advantage of my drunken stupor and made themselves very comfortable

    From the huge blank in my memory of last night, only one conclusion is possible . . .

    I must have had a whale of a time ! 😆

    P.S. fortunately, no matter how much I drink, I never get a ‘hangover’ – sleepy, yes, but nae sair heid


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