Twat Closes Tunnel

by duncanr

train tunnelwhen I was a nipper, back in the ‘you’ve never had it so good days‘ (http://tinyurl.com/qn8og), times were tough if you weren’t a toff

holidays, if we had them, were right miserable affairs – a week sheltering from the rain in a primitive caravan with no toilet or washing facilities, and no TV. in some farmer’s field – with a few miles trek to the nearest town

The best part of these holidays was . . .

the train journey there and back. My dad couldn’t afford a car but he worked on the railway so got discounted travel passes as one of the perks of his job. These were the days of steam trains, and windows you could open to stick your head out off (no health and safety concerns in them days). Of course, we didn’t have any digital devices to play music or games or access the internet. We had to make our own entertainment to while away the journey

When my sister and I got to accusing each other of cheating at cards, my parents would often attempt to defuse the situation by suggesting we play I-spy. Soon, this would end the same way as with the cards – with allegations of cheating

Me – I spy something beginning with ‘T’
Sis – train ?
Me – No
Sis – tree?
Me – No
Sis – I give up
Me – tractor
Sis – tractor?
Me – yes, tractor
Sis – what bloody tractor?
Me – the one in the field
Sis – I don’t see any bloody tractor
Me – well, you won’t now. We passed it about 5 minutes ago
Sis – you’re a f*cken liar. There was no f*cken tractor. You made that up
Me – I bloody didn’t
Sis – you f*cken did

[you will notice, dear reader, that her language was f*cken terrible for a 5 yr old]

Round about this time, my dad would give us both a clip around the ear, and we would sulk in silence for a bit, glaring at each other, and slyly kicking each other’s ankles when we thought our parents weren’t looking

This animosity would be instantly dispelled though when the train entered a tunnel. There was a particularly long tunnel on our route northwards from Edinburgh to Costa Arbroath and the game was to see if we could hold our breath until the train emerged from the other end. While in the tunnel, the carriage was in darkness. This inevitably led to the following exchange

Me – Phew (letting out breath) – done it
Sis – you’re a f*cken liar
Me – am not
Sis – you f*cken are – you took another breath when we were in the tunnel
Me – I did not
Sis – you f*cken did

Round about this time, my dad would give us both a clip around the ear, and we would sulk in silence for a bit, glaring at each other, and slyly kicking each other’s ankles when we thought our parents weren’t looking

Other than a sair lug, holding our breath while a train passed through a tunnel was a harmless pursuit – the same can not be said, however, if you attempt this while behind the wheel of a car

Just saying – http://tinyurl.com/kpwnaem

4 Comments to “Twat Closes Tunnel”

  1. My kids always held their breath going through a local tunnel and recently we brought a bus load of kids on a trip and there was total silence going through the tunnel, and a lot of arguing after about who cheated. Without the bad language of course, as they are good Irish children who have never heard such words!!

    Like

  2. My kids did the breath holding stuff as well. My brother and I did not but as one might expect not a lot of tunnels in the flatlands of Saskatchewan 🙂

    Like

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