The End is Nigh

by duncanr

the end is nighalthough I don’t officially retire until 20th May, what with holiday and ‘retirement days’ off with pay, my last working day – well, to be more accurate, the last day I will be putting in an appearance at the office – will be day after tomorrow

posts on Madhatter might be a bit slow today, then, as I concentrate on writing a side-splittingly witty impromptu ad-lib speech in response to the ‘surprise’ presentation from management – the only surprise is whether it will be staged lunchtime tomorrow or Tuesday – to recognise the contribution I have made to the success of the company during the past 26 years

obviously, I am going to have a lot more time on my hands when I finish work

fellow blogger, Anna, at All Thoughts Work – typical woman, never likes to see a man . . .

enjoying himself just being idle, sat on his arse, supping a few jars of ale or bottles of wine – has suggested Madhatter readers post ideas for activities/hobbies that might keep me busy (and out of mischief) once I retire

this is her first (of probably many) suggestions

while I am busy writing my – “OMG, I can’t believe it. You shouldn’t have really. I wasn’t expecting this, at all!” – emotional, you’ve caught me off guard, (“I’d like to thank my mum and dad – if he hadn’t fucked my mum I wouldn’t be here today – and the dear Lord above who blessed me with the art of taking the piss out of others“) ad-lib speech, perhaps other madhatters might like to offer their own suggestions as to how i might usefully utilise my newfound freedom from work ?

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21 Comments to “The End is Nigh”

  1. I’ve applied to Warner Bros to see if they’ll take me on as a stunt double but am still waiting for their reply – http://i.imgur.com/bBjEBUp.jpg

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  2. Take it from me, Duncan, you’ll find plenty of things to occupy yourself.

    First, there’s the hobble down the street where you can shake your walking stick at kids playing football. Then there’s those big stores that have escalators that you can ride up and down for hours on end.

    Then there’s the exciting ride in the Police car that takes you to the local cop shop, where they give you a nice (excellent !) cup of tea and, while phoning Social Services, will try to get you to remember what your name is and where you live.

    Not forgetting that, at this stage in your life, you can indulge yourself in (and my favourite pastime) walking up to complete strangers and calling them a “cunt” and telling them to “fuck off.” A few weeks previously this would have resulted in you getting your head kicked in but, now, this will be met with a sympathetic smile and a nod of agreement.

    Another enjoyable way of passing your time is by visiting an extremely crowded Supermarket and pushing your shopping trolley sideways down the narrow aisles and, or, breaking wind at the butcher’s counter.

    In the evenings you can occupy yourself by writing letters to the Daily Mail (none of which, for obvious reasons, will be published).

    There’s a whole new world opening up to you, Duncan.

    Enjoy.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I think you should go travelling, Duncan, in India. With your love of the culture, the music and the food, what better place? It’s probably a really cheap country to spend a few months, and where better to enjoy Indian food than India?

    Transport ought to be really cheap – OK, you’d have to take your life in your hands, clinging to the outside of a speeding, ramshackle train carriage, as it bounced along the not-frequently-enough-maintained tracks, but at least you wouldn’t have to put up with the sweltering, claustrophobia-inducing, overcrowded, noisy, smelly interior.

    And you’re bound to meet some lovely single Indian women, who would be charmed by this gruff, desi enthusiast, with the impenetrable accent, and the capacity to drink them under the table. Think of all the fantastic scenery, and classic Indian and colonial buildings, you would see. And I bet the beer’s really cheap.

    And you could round off your tour with a week in Goa, lazing on the beach, and getting off your head.

    Liked by 1 person

    • He doesn’t have to leave Brum to do all that !

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    • would love to, sticky

      actually got an invite to go there just recently – and sample some Delhi street food – from one of the checkout operators at my local Tesco – now if only I had a valid passport and someone to look after 3 dogs for a month !

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      • I’ll look after your dogs, duncan, but some of the mail’s been going astray lately, so when you post them make sure to add a note for the postie to say “Not Bexhill”.

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        • There you go, Duncan.

          Allesklar will look after your dogs. You can use my passport. Nobbly will foot the bill for the flights and sticky will cough up for your hotel accommodation and give you pocket money to spend.

          (Honest . . . )

          What are you waiting for ?

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      • So, you apply for a passport.

        And, as for the dogs, well, fellow canophile Mr NobblySan lives ‘just up the road’ from you . . .

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  4. Hey, I never said “out of mischief,” I would never ask others to do what I cannot do, myself. Except computer and car repair. And reaching things on a really high shelf. And impulse control.

    Even so, here are a few ideas to start. You could take up a new sport:

    Play with fire:

    Dabble in body adornment:

    Spend time by the sea:

    Be a kid again:

    But give it a week and sober up first.

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  5. FFS, Anna – no need to tell every bugger I’ve got a flabby tum !

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  6. I hope your spontaneity impresses everybody at that surprise presentation, Duncan. 🙂

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    • didn’t go as well as I’d planned, Bun – was caught off guard, and put under pressure by the Group CEO turning up for the presentation

      plus, had to respond to General Manager’s speech, but the bugger didn’t say all I anticipated he might say so was only able to use around 1/2 of my prepared ad lib speech, and ad lib the rest – the bastard ! 😦

      Liked by 1 person

  7. Duncan, you will need multiple sources of procrastination on the internet to toggle through as you slowly waste away in your retirement to near-American levels of sloth and morbidity. Feel free to adopt my dally routine, taking time out for meals, of course:

    http://www.pinterestyouaredrunk.com/

    http://mentalfloss.com/

    https://www.ted.com/talks

    http://www.npr.org/programs/fresh-air/

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