From our football correspondent

by NobblySan


Ahead of England’s first knockout stage game at Euro 2016  we have received a special report from our football correspondent  – Barry ‘Baz’ Thatcher .
A seasoned and respected football pundit, Baz has been following the England team around France while keeping his non-swollen eye out for the police.

Baz will be sending in further insightful reports into the finer points of the beautiful game as England progress through the tournament.

[So let’s hope they get knocked out fairly soon, eh? – Ed]

And did those feet in ancient time, walk upon Engerland’s mountains green
And were the frozen peas in pods in Iceland’s freezers seen

Fuckin’ Iceland?

Who the fuck are you – you bastards.

You’re not even a fucking country, are you – you’re just a fucking skanky supermarket for chavs, benefit cheats  and Mums shuffling about in their bleedin’ slippers.

You are gonna get so fucking thrashed next week, and be on the fucking plane home. The mighty Engerland will do for you. Just like we did for Slovakia.

Fucking nil-nil!  Yeah – what a result.

Anyhow, bollocks to the match – we’ve won that without even kicking a fucking ball.

Come on lads – Jamie Vardy’s avin’ a party!!!

I bet you Icelandish twats don’t ave fucking good songs like that do yer. Fucking twattish names all ending in sson.

Eider Gudjohnsson’s avin’ a party – it’s just shit innit? Never mind Iambic pentameter, if that yer fuckin’ Icelandic pentameter yer can shove it up yer arse with a frozen fish finger.

After we’ve given yer a gud (see wot I did there, eh, eh . . .) kickin on the pitch an’ beaten yer nil-nil, we’ll get on wiv the proper business. We’ll be bevvied up outside a pub in the middle of town by midnight. Fuckin’ join us if you dare.

Which pub? A proper fuckin English pub, that’s which one. Not one of yer poncy Froggy Cafe Tabac places – a proper English pub like O’Flanagans Irish Bar.

We’ve just seen off them EU twats wiv their immigrants and their fucking courts of human rights an shit – they’ve ad a good old fashioned English kicking, so now we’ll do the same to you lot. I bet you can’t even fight, can yer?

What wars ave you lot won recently – apart from ones about cod and shit? Fighting in fucking fishing boats? Thats’s not fucking fighting, you daft cunts. Proper fightin involves skill, bravery and 12 pints of Stella. Yeah – Stella! Proper English beer for fighting – none of yer weak foreign piss water.

Fuck me, the plod are ‘ere – I’m off. See yers.

27 Comments to “From our football correspondent”

  1. That’s Frank Skinner in the above photo, and I claim my £5.


  2. ‘ere – oo are you callin’ a brummie?


  3. Deer Baz

    First of I wanna say yo is de Biz, Baz. 🙂

    Me an’ me gang iz gona dig to show dat Engerland iz da fittest 🙂 an’ for dis we can’t lose any ruks wiv dem johnny foreigners. 😦

    At da same bells we don’t iz gona dig to go ova da top an’ we just wanna ruk fairly.

    Do yous recommend bottles, knuckledusters or dem big massiv fuck-off boots ?


    Thnx M8

    ratty (Cornwall)


    • ratty,

      a couple of fings, right.

      1. don’t ever call me ‘m8’ coz I’m not. Its nothin persnal its just that I think yer a bit of a soft cunt


      b. it’s boots. big fuckin boots every time. Doc Martens is the best, always ave bin always will be. Only fuckin foreigners use knives an that.

      althogether now . . .

      “Oh I’d rather be a paki than a turk . . . .”



      • Fanks fe da advice Baz.

        Boots hit iz den -m8-

        An’ no offence takun whun yous called me a frigin soft cunt, but yous should chek me out whun I iz wiv me boyz an’ we’ve got one of dem Ruskies on da ground. Well me feet iz just da blur of frigin kicks. Chek me then an’ you’d change yo fuckin mind !

        ENGLUND !


  4. It’s a well-known fact that football hooliganism is a manifestation of repressed homosexual desires: getting together with your mates (no women, note); close physical contact and male bonding; emotional displays (well, what else can you do, when you have difficulties with girls?).

    If you lot didn’t understand that, I’ll put it in more-understandable English: You’re a bunch of fucking puffs.


  5. ‘ere, ratty.

    You don’t know how accurate that photoshopped-out front tooth is.

    3 times in the past 6 months I’ve been at the dentist having front crowns glued back in.

    Maybe next time I’ll get you to photoshop them back in for me.


    • What – as in “Something for the Ladies” ?


      • Maybe I’ll stick with the dentist.

        Nowt personal, mate.


      • Shortly after arriving in N. Africa, I, too, lost a front crown, which meant a visit to the dentist. I had no French and what little Arabic I had definitely didn’t cover dental issues.

        The receptionist understood my problem when I held out my hand and showed her my broken off crown, and in no time I was sitting in a dentaist’s chair.

        The dentist, obviously made aware by the receptionist that I couldn’t speak the language, came into the room, looked at me for a few seconds, and gave me what I thought was a wide welcoming grin.

        I nodded my head and gave him a quick smile back.

        He gave a little frown, came closer and gave me an even bigger smile.

        I was a little uneasy at this, but still managed to quickly smile back.

        He then came right up close, so we were practically in a face to face situation, and gave me a huge, lips drawn back, grin.

        My ring started going sixpence, half-crown, as I was sure he was a nutter.

        It was then that I realised he was trying to signal to me to bare my teeth so he could inspect them ! ! !

        I felt a right plonker.


  6. When are they playing, anyway?


    • I don’t think Engerland ever actually played; unlike Iceland.

      Their departure leaves me with probably only one more post from Baz, and an opportunity to be all smug at work tomorrow as I remind them all of my ABE stance.


  7. ABE? What’s that?


    • It’s an old Scottish phrase that once got Andy Murray publicly vilified for years. It’s an acronym for Anyone But England.


      • Seeing as Scotland aren’t in this little kickabout ( they’re even worse than England . . .) I have now decided to be Welsh for a week or so.

        Then I might be one of Dem Jairmans, as I reckon they’ll win it.


      • Ah! Ha ha!

        I remember Murray being Scottish, when he broke into the public consciousness. Nowadays, he seems to be British. I suppose he has a big English fan base, and it wouldn’t be good PR to come over all Scottish.


        • He was always Scottish when he lost, but British when he won.

          When interviwed at Wimbledon one year, some hack asked him who he wanted to win the football world cup that was on at the time. Not being particularly media-savvy in those days, he gave a daft grin and said “Anyone but England”.

          Cue righteous indignation on the part of the English press, and years of vilification and mistrust on the part of the English public.


  8. So now that Engerlund have lost – you’re about to be mobbed by some pretty miffed off fans returning home? From what I’ve seen they’re quite a delightful bunch of people, and I bet you all can’t wait for them to land on your shores again.


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