Basic Instinct

by ratty
I haven’t posted for a little while and, due to an incident I experienced yesterday, I’m lucky to be able to write today.
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This incident that I’m going to relate could be described as a “near death experience.”

In the front of our kitchen are two small gardens. A better description would be scrubland. No grass grows there and what greenery is present is courtesy of weeds. One of these areas is flanked on two sides by a hedge of about 10 ft. in height. I don’t know what this hedge plant is called, but it consists of enormous amounts of green leaves and red, white and pink flowers. Its trunks and branches are very sturdy and are somewhat akin to a small tree.
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About a month or so ago, and because of my wife’s incessant nagging, I decided at having a go at improving one of these areas by planting a lawn.
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First off, I dug up all the weeds and turned over the soil to get some air into it, the North African sun having baked it concrete-hard. Afterwards, and for a couple of days, I hosed it down with water until it was arable. From that time until now, I have been taking the small clumps of sparse grass from the adjoining garden and replanting them into this other area.
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To make sure the grass has the best chance of growing, I water it daily and pick up all the dead flowers and leaves that fall onto it from the two hedges. It is proving very successful, and one of the things I have noticed is that small forms of wildlife can now be seen where none existed before. Birds now fly around and I’ve seen a couple of toads belching and hopping about. Also some stray cats have decided to use it, by day, for sunbathing and, by night, as a noisy brothel !
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Unfortunately, other, less welcome, wildlife has been attracted to the area.
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Well, to get to the point of my story. Yesterday, I was on all fours picking up the dead leaves that had fallen on the grass, when I noticed a slight movement in the taller grass that I had replanted earlier in the project.
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Pushing aside the grass to see what had caused the movement, I came face to face with a snake. I, though never before having seen one in real life, but having seen pictures, recognised it immediately as a Cobra.
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Its rear end was coiled on the ground, but the forepart of its body was erect and its hood was distended. It seemed to be staring at me, and as it did so, it started swaying from side to side. Its mouth was partially open and I could clearly see its fangs and the little holes at the points which it uses to inject its venom.
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I just froze. I’ve always had this great terror of snakes, and you might think that this was the reason I didn’t move. That, however, would be wrong. It was really like some primitive survival instinct had overtaken me and I just knew that I had to stay still and concentrated in order to defend myself against any attack.
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I was scared, but that must have released adrenalin into my body because my mind was crystal clear and everything seemed to be taking place in slow motion. Suddenly the Cobra went for me. I’ve re-run that moment many times in my mind and still don’t quite understand how it happened, but I caught it in my right hand, just below its head.
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I held it as tightly as I could, but it was writhing with such force that I knew it would eventually get out of my grasp.
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As though in a dream, I rose to my feet and grasped the lower part of its body with my left hand, releasing the grip of my right, and with all the strength in my arm, cracked the Cobra like a whip.
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Its head just snapped off. The body twitched and jerked two or three times, then went limp and I dropped it to the ground.
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—— VERSION 2 ——
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All of the above, up until the bit . . . “Pushing aside the grass to see what had caused the movement, I saw a small grass snake, whereupon I shat my pants, and fled screaming !”

13 Comments to “Basic Instinct”

  1. ROFL Ratty – you live in Africa dammit – get your big boy pants on! I have a tree full of snakes in my yard – Would you like to come visit?

    Like

  2. What a road of old cobbrers.

    Like

    • “Why couldn’t the viper viper nose ?”

      “Cos the adder adder handkerchief !”

      NOW, readers. Here’s the deal –

      I’ll let you have a couple of hours laughing yourself silly at that brand-new-never-told-before joke, if you don’t sue me for your ruined underwear.

      Agreed ?

      PS : Do, please, let me know if you want more jokes in a similar vein. I’ve got hundreds of them.

      Like

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