The MH Annual Newsletter

by ratty

We, here at Madhatter Towers, would like to take this opportunity to wish a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to our reader.

2016 is now on its last legs, but BOY what a year it has proved to be for us all here at the Newsdesk.

Duncan’s Ballet lessons at Birmingham’s Care Centre for the Aged have payed off handsomely. He was spotted by a Royal Ballet talent scout, while standing on perfect tip-toe to reach the Men’s magazines on the top shelf in W. H. Smith. After being seen performing an impromptu Fouetté and Pirouette from SWANLAKE at the checkout counter (which was greeted with thunderous applause by fellow shoppers and staff alike !!) he was offered the lead in THE NUTCRACKER SUITE which will debut in early February at the Royal Opera House before embarking on a Grand World Tour. As with all these occasions, various female members of the world’s Royal families will be expected to be present, thus, in a first for the Classical Ballet World, Duncan will be permitted to wear a Tutu in order to cover the rather large bulge of his manhood. Well done Duncan !!!

Sticky has had an up-and-down twelve months. The beginning of the year saw him the victim of racial discrimination when he put himself forward for the canditure of PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES and was turned down on the basis he was not American !!! How America can ever hope to rise to the position of being a WORLD POWER with that kind of insular attitude, is beyond us here at Madhatter Towers !!! Being the stout fellow he is, he was taking his disappointment in his stride, when an email arrived from the Monarchy (with the backing of Theresa May) asking him (well, practically begging him) if he would be so kind as to consider accepting the role of Poet Laureate. Sticky decided that the previous energy and desire he had for world domination might possibly be better channelled into pomes, and he accepted – and in a break with tradition – with a BIG FAT SALARY too !!!

Our vertically challenged NobblySan, has been kept busy with his peace-keeping missions in the war-ravaged far-flung corners of the world and can be regularly seen dressed in a UN blue helmet, and protective, bullet-proof armour dodging heavy fire in his quest to sit warring tribal heads around a negotiating table to hammer out a ceasefire. We really don’t know where he gets his energy from, as he still finds time to captain ENGLAND’S RUGBY AND CRICKET TEAMS – AND diplomatically decline Rupert Murdoch’s £20 million pound offer to take control of Madhatters. He has also been informed (unofficially, of course – wink, wink) that he would be looked upon favourably when the Chairmanship of Ofcom comes up for grabs and . . . well, let’s say no more !!! On top of this busy schedule he still manages to juggle his time to run a very successful shoe-shine booth at Oldham bus terminus.

For myself (ratty)there’s not really a lot I can DIVULGE. Official Secrets Act and all that stuff !!! However I think it can be said (without going into detail) that my Wednesday afternoons and Saturday nights are spent flying a RAF provided F-35B LIGHTNING II FIGHTER JET – (Romeo 80) – to deadly conflict zones, where I take command of a Batallion or two of SAS troops and set out on secret forays behind terrorist lines. It’s a job I love doing and the reward I get seeing the grateful faces of the troops when they burst into their HURRAHS at my appearance, is beyond measure. Details of these missions MIGHT be made public at some future date under the Freedom of Information Act, but there is no real  guarantee, you understand !!! The rest of my time has been a frantic balance of driving for MASERATI and winning (several times over) the F1 World Championships and posing naked for the centre-page spread of Vogue AND Town & Country AND writing Jamie Oliver’s best-selling cook books while he’s away preparing school meals !!!

Well, that’s been our year – and a damned hectically frenzied, but enjoyable one it’s been too !!!

That’s it from us for this year. We hope your 2016 was just as enjoyable. But, to be brutally  honest, we couldn’t give a monkey’s toss whether it was or not.


The Madhatter Team.

2 Comments to “The MH Annual Newsletter”

  1. Bravo Mr ratty.

    An excellent summary of the year’s activities.

    On a personal note, I wish to thank you for reminding me of the incident with that scoundrel Murdoch. I have made a note to return his interest in MH, and make a hostile bid for his dirty little empire and its scurrilous rags, seedy TV stations and internet communications infrastructure.

    I’ll touch you for a tenner next time we meet, old boy – this is going to need funds!


    • I say, steady on, old chap! I agree entirely with your principled stand, but if I have to raise a tenner it will mean having to sell some of my shares in the RT news network – and a bloody fine earner it is, too.


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