Letter to Wife’s Lover

by duncanr

to the guy screwing my wife, I am not angry but I would just ask a few things of you since you are screwing her

1. please stop leaving the seat up – I keep getting the blame

2. you may be giving me the chance to go fishing more often but please stop drinking all my beer. It’s fine if you have a couple while you visit – [god knows, I need to drink plenty before I find her attractive] – but please leave me a few as I have to be there longer than you

3. if you do drink the last one, buy some more or . . .

leave some money on the counter so I can pick some up

4. please replace the toilet paper when you use it all. For some reason, my 5 yr old son believes if it is not there he doesn’t have to wipe his arse. We keep it under the sink, unless you can recommend a better place?

5. after screwing my wife, please use something disposable to wipe yourself. The pile of clean clothes to the right of the bed are mine. The sweatshirt I planned to wear to work last week was all ‘crusty’

6. please do not tell my kids you’re their uncle – they may be young but they’re not mentally challenged

7. when she asks if this dress makes her look fat, say NO. You might think saying YES will make her think twice about eating a gallon of ice-cream every day. It won’t! You are just giving her a reason to buy more clothes that she will look just as fat in

8. stop eating the baked goods – the brownies you ate were from my mum for my birthday

9. try shifting your weight when you sit on my chair – it has a dip in it now that forces me to roll to the left

10. lastly, I would like to thank you for taking her to lunch on Valentine’s Day. She was not as hungry as usual and only ordered one meal. With the money I saved, I plan to take the kids to a movie

I hope you can comply with these requests – it may turn nasty if I have to confront her

if you can do this for me, I will give you a heads up when I’m going to be away [and for how long] so you don’t feel rushed

P.S. I’m going to take the kids away on 3rd Oct for 4 days – there’s a bottle of vodka on top of fridge if you run out of beer

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