MotherFUCKER!

by allthoughtswork

 

Image result for eagle creek fire

Two fuckwits set off fireworks on a popular hiking trail on Saturday and now our world-famous Columbia River Gorge is burning and there is smoke outside my window and ash falling in my garden.

Relax, my house is no where near the fire line, but it’s drier than Ann Coulter’s crotch out there and you never know what could happen because the flames jumped the fucking river overnight! We’re talking one of the widest rivers in North America, people. Now two states are burning. And all because a couple of tiny penises had a lighter and a selfie stick.

Yup, they were seen throwing the firecrackers off the edge of a cliff and filming it.

Image result for double face palm

Hear me now: Forest fires scare the ever-lovin’ shit out of me. I’ve hiked the Rockies solo, seen bears and hillbillies close enough to pet ’em, even nearly froze to death twice, but nothing squirts adrenaline into my veins faster than the smell of unexpected smoke in the backcountry. Forest fires can catch in a heartbeat, outrun a deer, and destroy every hope you have of survival if the wind even so much as twitches in your direction.

The trails around here are steeper than stairs, so if you’re on a hill and that hot wall of orange death is below you with the wind behind it, game over. You’re done. Like a steak. Like this guy.

I know people out there in the Gorge, I know every trail. It’s a massive, treacherous area but it’s stunning. There are hundreds of people hiking it on any given day and there is no way to alert them in deep forest rippling with cellphone-blocking mini-gorges. If they’re upwind and the wind suddenly dies, they’ll never see it coming.

I’ll update you all later, I’m heading out for supplies. I’m gonna need rum for this.

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12 Comments to “MotherFUCKER!”

  1. My god, people are giving eulogies in photographs to our beloved Gorge and I can’t stop crying.

    It hit me that the ashes on my truck are the remnants of the magnificent trees I used to touch and smell and listen to sing during storms. Twelve years of serenity and real relief from pain in those woods, twelve years of little wonders and gigantic views, of personal epiphanies in the fog and the mist, of hiking slowly through an ecosystem so beautiful it was declared a National Scenic Area. I ‘ll never see it again in my lifetime and my friend’s children’s children won’t even know.

    And I can’t stop crying.

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    • I’m sorry mate – I really am.

      Things can be replaced, but people and nature are unique.

      To think that this was done for amusement is sickening.

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      • Thank you, Nobbly. You don’t know how much that means to me. Truly.

        Nice to know there’s one gentleman out there, at least.

        Someone actually stole volunteer fire fighter’s vehicles while they were battling the fire. Are you fucking kidding me? How tiny can a thief’s dick get?

        And, contrary to policy, authorities are not releasing the name of the 15-year-old who set this whole shitbang in motion. So many people are baying for blood, they fear for the young man’s safety. Understandable. And I feel bad for his parents, who are probably liable for this atrocity according to applicable laws, but let’s get real. The only reasonable outcome here is to hear that the little fucktard has spent the next three to ten years personally replanting the entire fucking Columbia Gorge under the supervision of disagreeable forest rangers who giggle at his every mistake, film it, and upload it to You Tube.

        I’m not too worried; his identity will get out. This thing is just too big, he’s started a nuclear war in Oregon. Portland may be weird but so is our vengeance and when you mess with Multnomah Falls, the crowning jewel of Oregon, shit gets real.


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        • I know how much all this means to you.

          We have nothing so impressive or on such a grand scale around where I live, but I know how I feel when the local scum set fire to or otherwise damage local countryside that means a lot to me.

          I’ve never understood (and don’t really want to be able to understand) people who cause wanton destruction or suffering.

          Theft or fraud, I can understand perfectly – because there is some gain for the perpetrator; but this? No way will I ever comprehend what would motivate someone to start something like this.

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          • Well, brace yourself, because there’s a thread out there discussing how this little prick had a You Tube channel with videos of himself setting fires to things. When he felt the heat, literally and figuratively, he changed his name on the channel to Sorry But Not Sorry, then he took the whole thing down. I hope like hell someone captured that vid so they can use it in court.

            Because unless someone nails him on intent, the most he will get is a small fine and some community service.

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          • It saddens me, Nobbly, to realize most can’t even begin to comprehend what we already know on a visceral level.

            I moved here from Colorado. In Colorado, you can easily get away from the big city to enjoy deep forest, silence, and sweeping vistas free from the disappointing carnival of humanity.

            Not so in Oregon. Oregon is jam-packed with idiots and where there aren’t idiots, there are signs and fences letting you know that if you take one more step, some idiot will shoot you and then their dog will rip your face off. In other words, not a lot of natural wilderness. Not sweeping vistas of it, anyway, not on a “There’s no one here. Now, I can relax!” kinda scale. Even the Gorge has two highways running through it and you can hear those bastards roaring day and night until you figure out how to hack the acoustical secrets of steep hills and plan your trek accordingly.

            Oh, Oregon may say it has more parks and wilderness areas than other states but consider: If all the idiots are currently IN those parks and wilderness areas, “recreating” in horrible, noisy, polluting, zen-crushing ways, they become their own joke. They contaminate nature with the very thing they claim to escape.

            THIS is why I weep when the backcountry is destroyed. It’s those hard to get to remote areas that the rabble fear to tread that holds hope for nature and its true lovers. Those of use who go out there quietly and gently to watch the Earth do its own thing in its own way on its own time, free from the encroaching stress of idiot “progress,” we are the only ones who comprehend the depths of a tragedy like this. No, it’s not just a pretty selfie, Miss Millennial, it’s an entire fucking ecosystem, and it’s worth five of your lifetimes in development.

            I’ve spent twelve years hunting down the most uninhabited, untraveled, untouched swaths of countryside I could find within a day’s drive and kept them in a secure mental file that will never see the internet. I go there alone and I leave no trace. And now one of the most mind-blowingly beautiful ones is on the cusp of destruction because it’s on the edge of the Gorge. Trump won’t give the fire fighters any money to fight this thing so they are left to stand on the sidelines and watch it all disintegrate, only stepping in to preserve property.

            Isn’t that the damnedest thing you ever heard? Immeasurable acres of untouched, 190-foot-tall, exquisitely sweet-scented Douglas Fir are expendable but some asshole’s rotting plywood gun shack is worth two fire fighter’s lives and $1.2 million dollars in taxpayer’s money to save. I want to vomit.

            Liked by 1 person

            • well said!

              my own love of the quiet, wild places started in my teens when I would lie to my parents, say I was spending a weekend with a friend or going on a camping expedition for a week with the Boys Brigade – (an easy subterfuge to get away with back then when no cell phones existed and very few folk could afford a land line) – and then set off on my own with a tent and sleeping bag on my back to explore the hills and valleys of my native Scotland that weren’t on any tourist guide

              the sense of timelessness and wonder at nature I experienced – a lonely soul in a seldom visited landscape, where no-one knew of my presence, brought home to me how unimportant, how insignificant we humans are in comparison to nature

              while this arsehole has destroyed what is dear to your heart, in time, Nature will recover, and future generations of kindred spirits to yourself will enjoy what is presently lost to you

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  2. They caught the putrid little rotting fuckers that did it. I’m an atheist but I’m completely in favor of those cops puttin’ the fear of the Abrahamic god in them. The Islamic one, if that doesn’t work. And if they’re still smug, hand those little shits over to me. I was a professional gardener, I have cutting tools.

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  3. Well, I see it’s not just America who blows fake news up its own ass. The BBC managed to post a story big on images and short on facts about a bunch of twats calmly finishing a round of golf while the Eagle Creek Fire raged behind them.

    Busted: The golfers were no where near the forest fire, the photographer admitted as much. They were in Washington, the fire was in Oregon, miles away and across a giant river to boot. The BBC conveniently omitted that point of fact while spinning a yarn about bravery in the face of danger. These fucknuts-in-Chinos may have had a clear view of the devastation going on, not that they bothered to look behind them at the people leaving behind their family homes in tears, but the worst they, themselves, had to suffer through was brushing a little fallen ash off their BMWs after the 18th hole. Oh, the humanity.

    Trust me, if those putting idiots had been even close to Level 3 Evacuation danger, the stream of their own terrified urine would have extinguished any encroaching flames. The only thing “imperiled” about those men was their dwindling supply of human empathy. Fuckers. I hope the social media lions bring them down like gazelles.

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