Lies, all lies

by allthoughtswork

Image result for portland funny

You know those articles that list all the highlights (or lowlights) of your city…and you realize halfway through that whomever put fingers to keyboard on this one must’ve had a beer bottle full of apple cider vinegar shoved up their ass at the time? Let’s break it down with a hammer, shall we?

37 Things to Consider Before Moving to Portland

Can you tolerate nudity?

The only time I ever see nudity is when I forget to squeeze my eyes shut stepping out of the shower in front of the mirror and, believe me, that lesson has a painful learning curve. As far as the rest of my fair city goes, who gives a shit? I go to bed early and the nutballs come out at night. So, no, on the nudity. (Except that one beach.)

Gluten shortage?

I prepare my own food and most of it is tasty animals, so if I’m gluten free by accident, it’s completely unintentional. Grains are fine, I just like mine distilled.

Whitest Major City in America

I’ve heard this from multiple sources but it beats the hell out of me. I see delicious colors all around me on a near-constant basis, it’s a big reason I escaped the central states to come here. Hell, my banker is from Fiji.

Least Religious City in America

This also beats the hell out of me because the fuckin’ Jesus freaks glom onto me everywhere I go. Christians always announce themselves, like vegans. Both need a good beating.

Can You Grow Facial Hair?

If you want to pull small insects and food residue out of a chin mat at the end of each day, that’s your business, but we’ll never kiss. Ever. The hipster soup strainer movement seems to have reached its crescendo last season, so I’m hopeful for the future.

Little Farms in the City

I’ve always managed to live either in the country or on right on the cusp of it, so I’ll see your three chickens and raise you a Norway rat, two coyotes, and a herd of deer.

You’ll Never Pump Your Own Gas

I’m fine with this, pump handles are landing strips for pee dribble and herpes. Fill ‘er up, my good man.

Rain, Rain, Rain….

Bullshit. Okay, fine, it’s raining right now but, still:  bullshit. I hike all winter long through gossamer dry breezes under partly cloudy skies. It’s called a weather forecast, people, use it. If it were truly as dank and dismal here as they claim it is, we’d have far more hot Scots and far fewer annoying Californians here than we currently do.

Hold on…Listen up, everybody! It’s as dank and dismal here as they say it is!

Live Music

I go to bed at nine. Next question.

Buying a Home

I rent. Neener, neener.

Progressive Politics

Two steps out of town, you’ll be looking down the barrel of a gun held by a toothless yokel wearing a Make America Great Again hat who just announced he’s Christian. Portland is a deep blue dot bobbing on a vast ocean of bloody red, politically speaking. Gas up before you leave the city limits because you DO NOT want to have to stop anywhere out there in the boonies. The second you use adjectives correctly in a sentence, you’re dead.

Mountains Sometimes Go Boom

It’s not the volcanoes, love, it’s the earthquakes, but few know this. Either way, we have a simple preparedness plan in place that involves bending over and kissing our own ass goodbye because all resources enter Portland on a bridge. Think about that one for a moment.

Summertime

This one is 100% true. It’s bloody fucking beat-yer-grandma hot here from July to August and all you skinny, lizard-type people who look forward to the thermometer skyrocketing into the 90s can go fuck yourselves with a cherry popsicle. You’re sick.

Very Little Snow

Also true. But when it dumps and the city shuts down (anything from 1″ on up to 2 feet), I get to tear around on empty, white streets in my 4-wheel-drive truck and live it up, so let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Sports

Nope, don’t even try to call Portland a sports town. I come from Denver where all four major sports teams have their own stadiums, their own nutjob criminal fans, and their own sexual harassment legal departments, so don’t even go there, ya Lacrosse weenies. You’re not worthy.

Food Carts

So? I, too, can whip up bizarre culinary concoctions from seafood and chocolate sauce and I can do it without the annoying trip downtown and the destruction of a twenty dollar bill. Fuck you.

Share the City With Wildlife

Okay, the coyote-on-the-light-rail happened one time years ago and everyone’s still squeezing memes out of that poor animal’s mug shot. You want wildlife? Find the homeless camps downtown, just follow the scent of old pot and fresh urine.

No Sale Tax

This is awesome and the only way I can afford good cheese.

Mass Transit

I guess it’s a good thing but I still pay less driving everywhere in a big-ass v8 truck, so how efficient can it be?

Get Outdoors

Indoorsy types are not human, it’s a scientific fact, look it up.

Razor Clamming

I’ve been here 12 years and this is the first time I’ve seen the words “razor” and “clam” together. Who wrote this? Everybody knows it’s all about the salmon.

Potential for Alcoholism

I would have made a fantastic Portland alcoholic if it weren’t for my uncooperative stomach and tiny budget. I gave it multiple tries, believe me. This place is a rummy’s apothecary.

It’s Very Green

Duh. Rain.

Talented Chefs

Thank you.

Drawbridge Syndrome

Nonsense, we love foreigners. But other Americans can fuck off.

Nobody Uses Their Car Horn

Pull in front of me and make me slam on the brakes and you’ll get my acoustical fury right up your ass. But, yeah, for the most part, the only noise around here is from the untrained dogs and their moron owners.

Tooth Decay

Stop eating sugar, asshole.

You’ll Have to Buy a Bike

Purchasing a bicycle does not automatically download common sense and the rules of the road into your cerebral cortex. I have stories, oh, so many stories. Remember, I’m in a truck.

#1 Dog City in America

Tip: Stay out of all city parks unless you crave the scent of freshly-squeezed dog shit smeared across your shoes because proper pet care is treated like an affront to one’s personal freedom around here.

Portlandia

It’s off the air. That’s the best place for it, really.

The Importance of Breakfast

The writer of this article pulled this one directly from their anus. Breakfast is not “a thing” in Portland, they just needed a sloppy segue to mention Voodoo Donuts, which sucks balls, by the way. It’s just fried bread, bad fried bread. Get over it.

Not a Fast Food City

There are 8 fast food joints in the few miles between my house and the grocery store. Who the hell is writing this crap?

Portland is Hipper Than Seattle

So? Seattle is wealthier and meaner than Portland. Pick your poison.

Portland’s Nuclear Option

Another rectally-derived factoid. So what if some uber-rich private-college kids burn their dicks off? What have we really gained and what have we lost, here?

Portland’s Nicknames

Not-Denver. That’s what I call it.

Umbrellas Are For Tourists

I have two and I just bought another one. Fuck you, I like dry fur.

Cinemas Have More Than Popcorn

Cinema? What’s that? You mean I have to put on pants and look for a parking spot to watch The Big Sick? In a month, it’ll be free on You Tube. Fuck you.

PS: The Darth Vader Unipiper is real.

 

 

 

 

 

 

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