The Five Stages of Bacon

by allthoughtswork

Image result for push button receive bacon

After putting it off for three days, I’m finally cooking up the hickory bacon.

Don’t get me wrong, I love bacon, I take it very seriously. (American-style bacon, not British-style. That’s just wrong.) I buy it in five-pound slabs and make a morning of it, saving all the nectar for frying eggs and carmelizing onions later. (Some strain out the brown bits but I say: Nonsense! Those are the flavor crystals.) Strangely, only four and a half pounds end up getting stored, the rest mysteriously vanishes. It’s called quality control.

Image result for doctors are saying bacon


In the end, the whole house smells like salt, fat, and lust for days. And that’s the problem.

You see, I live in a small place that’s carpeted throughout. It collects and concentrates cooking smells like Gordon Ramsey’s nutsack. Bacon aromatherapy doesn’t hold up over time. It disintegrates in exactly 72 hours to receding layers of charred protein and regret.


Day Two: I think somebody cooked bacon in here.

Day Three: Who farted bacon?

Day Four: We should really give the dog a bath. Do we have a dog?

Day Five: What if we lit fifty matches and shampooed the carpet?

Day 23: When you’re at the store, pick up some more bacon.


Image result for bacon funny



2 Comments to “The Five Stages of Bacon”

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