Surprise! Nike is Republican

by allthoughtswork

Image result for nike shoe burning

For all their Kaepernick love, they are, have been, and will remain on Team Trump–a bitterly hysterical irony in the wake of all the racist shoe burnings goin’ down.

I live close to the Nike World Headquarters (which they call a “campus,” presumably to evoke sweet college frat memories of raping and pillaging), and I can tell you: locals hate them.

Image result for nike is republican


Their business model is entirely Trumpian. Don’t believe me? Let’s play a little game.

Trump or Not?

  1. Nike’s gigantic property sits smack dab in the middle of a quiet neighborhood. Twice daily, all streets grind to a halt as the Nike hordes funnel in or out of their “campus,” causing a gridlock so heinous, locals have to plan their lives around it. Nike defends itself via the trickle down theory of being a jobs provider, yet it headhunts those jobs overseas. Does that sound like something Trump would do?

nike bottleneck

2. The roads ringing their property have a notorious bottleneck where four lanes inexplicably reduce to two, then expand out to four again. On Nike’s side is unused lawn, they could easily accommodate 250 yards of single lane road. But, hey, the longer rush hour traffic has to sit there and stare up at their formidable buildings inching by, the longer they get free advertising,. Trump or not?

Image result for nike world headquarters new buildings


Image result for nike world headquarters new buildings


3. Said buildings have recently exploded upward and outward into jet black megalithic monstrosities I like to call Darth Vader’s Treehouse. The design is so violent and unwelcoming, I seriously wonder whether their mission statement actually contains the words “rape” and “pillage.” Trump or not?

Image result for nike dirt trail oregon


4. Also on site is a gorgeous running trail through forests, past ponds, over footbridges. You can look but you can’t touch–employees only. Security teams patrol the area daily to keep out the riffraff and fatties. Trump or not?


Image result for nike company store


5. There’s a store that Nike makes sure everybody knows about but (surprise!) only the chosen ones and family of chosen ones can use. You have to get a pass from somebody, you can only go in once with ID, and if you wear any competitor’s brands past the threshold, they set your hair on fire and post it to You Tube. Trump or not?

Image result for expensive nike shoes


6. Their merchandise is notoriously overhyped. You’re paying for a name. And that name doesn’t sell to anyone older than 45, heavier than a Golden Retriever, or standing on regular width feet. Yet, they heap free stuff on any celebrity that strokes their brand. Trump or not?

Image result for nike airplane hangar


7. Nike has an obtrusively large hanger for the many aircraft with which they shuttle precious athletes and CEOs to and fro. They positioned it on the very edge of airport property, right next to the road, with a transparent wall so commoners caught in the web of commuter traffic can gaze at sleek jets displayed like pheasant under glass. Trump or not?

Image result for nike sucks


8. Last but not least, Nike’s shit is manufactured overseas; The only thing “trickling down” is the sweat on Malaysian foreheads. Trump or not?

I buy Skechers.


2 Comments to “Surprise! Nike is Republican”

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