Portlandpocalypse

by allthoughtswork

Image result for portland oregon skyline

via

I swear to god, this town….

Yesterday, I spent two hours running a twenty minute errand and got a taste of the apocalypse, Pacific Northwest-style.

It was like a scene from a disaster movie. The highways were jammed with furious gridlock, horns were honking, people were taking crazy chances, jerks were being extra jerky, emergency vehicles everywhere….

The Trader Joe’s parking lot was packed tighter than my bra. People pushed past each other in their rush to stock up on kale chips and shiraz. The milk section was wiped out, nothing but empty shelves. The waiting lines for a cashier wove up and down and around the aisles like some sort of weird postmodernist performance art, heads to butts, nervous chatter, frowns. Christmas was Zen-like compared to this.

The grocery store down the street was like a Michael Bay film. Bodies and detritus flying everywhere, people yelling, children crying, bad rap music pulsing from a parade of tinted window SUVs creeping up and down the rows of parked cars, stalking the elusive white backing lights. I had to pretend to patronize the restaurant next door just to find a spot. The interior was frantic with wide-eyed families pushing carts full of junk food and toilet paper and onions. Not sure what the onions were for, rituals maybe. The line for the self check machines snaked around the entire back wall of the building like a 1984 concert ticket window.

What the fuck, you ask?

Snow.

Not mountains, not feet, not even a full inch, just a little bit of white stuff predicted here and there throughout the week. And temps below 40. In other words, for Portland, the end of the world.

I said to the guy in line next to me, “Wouldn’t it be hysterical if it all turned out to be nothing?” He gave me a sad smile; we’d been in that line for half an hour.

And guess what we all woke up to this morning?

Mm-hmm.

(sips coffee and gazes out window at perfectly bare ground)

 

portlandpocalypse forecast

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4 Comments to “Portlandpocalypse”

  1. perhaps folk stocking up on onions to keep their car windscreen free from ice – https://autoglassmn.com/blog/76-how-to-prevent-an-icy-windshield

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    • Nah, there’s just a massive Mexican customer base at this particular establishment. The dark tinted SUV windows belching out rap is typically the first clue, the second is the 5.1 billion children running in all directions at once, whining about candy en Espanol.

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  2. OK, it finally started to snow at noon and by “snow” I mean three tiny anorexic micro-flakes per minute. Got my shovel.

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  3. At 12:49 PM there was 31 seconds of adorable graupel. Better hook up the plow.

    Like

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