I did a 5 day water fast

by allthoughtswork


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I’ve been breezing through intermittent fasting and I’m already in ketosis after six months on carnivore so how hard could it be?

DAY 1: I’m brilliant! Spent the entire day traveling and hiking as a distraction from hunger. Worked like a charm. This is going to be a walk in the park….

DAY 2:  Not so bloody brilliant. Spent the notorious worst day of any fast unable to leave the house due to DOMS from that “walk in the park.” The fridge is sitting right. Over. There. I’m noticing a slight change in consciousness as if I’m not really here but watching everything around me like I’m watching a movie. The steaks in the freezer are speaking in tongues. Is it cold in here or is it just me?

DAY 3: It’s cold in here and it’s definitely me. Went for another walk to shut the damned steaks up and gave myself more DOMS. (Moron.) However, my joints are looser and so are my pants. And everything’s hilarious, I’m writing great quips and comebacks in my head as I walk and then laughing at them. My back pain is mysteriously gone, I can squat without wincing now. Which reminds me: Stock up on toilet paper.

DAY 4:  All the doctors who said hunger pains will end by day 4 are fucking liars. There is not enough toilet paper in the world. The thermostat hasn’t budged since day one but it’s cold enough in here that I could set those steaks on my tits and they’d stay solid. The steaks, I mean, not my tits. My tits have flat-lined, emphasis on flat. Yet, I feel strangely grounded and happy despite being light-headed. I can see why religious types fast to receive visions; I’m having visions of being able to wear a bathing suit in public again.

DAY 5: I could kill those doctors with my bare hands if only my digits weren’t frozen solid in this 87-degree windchill. My new mental euphoria is not translating into critical thinking because I hiked a crowded location in the heart of the city only to pass millennial after millennial letting their illegally off-leash dogs shit in the middle of the trail. I could have strangled those people with their own leashes if only I could walk faster than 0.86 miles per hour without tipping over. Visions are turning into nightmares. I’m eating salt in the evenings to prevent suicide. WHY ARE THE NEIGHBORS COOKING SPAGHETTI WITH MEATBALLS?!

TODAY: I have never been so happy to see an egg in my life. (They told me to break an extended fast with bone broth but it turns out bone broth tastes like a dead man’s knuckles, so I’m returning the rest along with a few choice words.) After four bites of sunny side up and a cup of coffee, the warmth rushes back into my limbs and it magically becomes August again. I add cocoa sprinkles to my second cup of coffee in a victory lap around the kitchen.

Me: Hi, colon.

Colon: (gurgle)

The scale says minus 15 pounds and three body fat percentages and my flapping pants concur. I’m so ready for a good night’s sleep after four days of tossing and turning and running from nocturnal monsters that I get a head start with a hard nap in my easy chair directly in front of the air conditioner that has been trying to kill me for the better part of a week. My mental clarity transitions smoothly from euphoria and groundedness into machinations and snark so, naturally, here I am.

CONCLUSIONS: Yes, I’m gonna do it again, but only in summer. No way in hell would I put myself through that frigid meat locker of a trial over the winter holidays. Okay, maybe right after the winter holidays. After all, I just found the perfect cure for naughty backsliding cheesecake shenanigans on keto.

Uh…did I just say that out loud? Gotta go, I need more toilet paper.


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3 Comments to “I did a 5 day water fast”

  1. brilliant piece of writing, ATW; very funny – loved it !

    [my own weight has gone in opposite direction the last couple of weeks – have gained a few lbs after buying myself a Tawa and started making my own chapatti]


    • Thanks, Dunc, it’s all true. I’m ticked the back pain has returned already but a sore lumbar region in a smaller pair of pants is practically breaking even, so….

      I had to look up Tawa. I should get one and name it Notification. Then, when a millennial is about to run into me on the trail because their head is down in a phone, I can smack them and announce, “You’ve received a Notification!”


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