O come all ye Conspiracy Theorists

by NobblySan

Good evening Ladies and Gentlemen; can you please be seated as I call to order this Extraordinary General Meeting of the Guild of Conspiracy Theorists (West Midlands branch)

If it is OK with everybody, I’ll skip the usual formalities such as Apologies for Absence, and get straight to the heart of the matter; namely the disappearance of Duncan ‘BigD’ [surname withheld for legal reasons] from The Mad Hatters blog.

I know, my friends, that in the past you have served the cause well in coming up with some fantastic theories and explanations  for a range of (ahem) ‘events’ of national and international importance – The moon-landings, the lack of trousers on Donald Duck and the apparent inability of The Mighty Villa to win the Premier League being right up there with the best of them.

However, in this latest matter of utmost importance, I must call upon your services one more time to explain away the lack of posts from our scruffy, drunken, bearded, dog-loving friend.

There are obvious explanations that spring to mind, such as:

  1. He’s died
  2. He’s ill
  3. He’s got so fucked off with it that he’s ditched the MH  as a New Year’s Resolution
  4. Him and ‘allthoughtswork’ (also conspicuous by her post-new year absence) have run away together to start a new life in Dudley

However, these are simple and obvious conclusions to which to jump, and clearly the work of a sad and little-used imagination –  I’ll say no more about them.

So, my friends – flex your wrists, crack your knuckles, top up your imaginations with a dose of something alcoholic and get typing!

Time is of the essence.


25 Comments to “O come all ye Conspiracy Theorists”

  1. . . . top up your imaginations with a dose of something alcoholic . . .

    No chance of getting a viable result there, then.


  2. Here are my suggestions – sans alcool – in order of likelihood:

    1. He’s ‘having a paddy’ over the Tories getting in (with such a massive majority) and unavoidable Brexit, so has emigrated to Ireland, where he is now having a Paddy.

    2. He won the lottery, so has bought a distillery in the Hebrides, and has gone there to test its products for the next few months.

    3. He has had a stroke, and is too busy pestering her for another one to post anything.

    4. His barber offered him ‘something for the weekend’, so he accepted her invitation and is still bobbing up and down, on the fringes of ecstasy, attempting to put a bun in her oven.

    (That’s enough hairdo puns, sticky – just beehive yourself. Ed)

    5. He’s been . . . abducted by Airdrieonians . . .

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Don’t know if this might help, but here in New South Wales yesterday I saw a bloke with a white beard at the shop.


  4. He’s on the run from the “intelligence” services, so he’s using invisible posts.
    GCHQ want to know why he said Prince Harry should get a proper job
    To view the text you have to hold a lighted candle to your computer screen.


  5. That comment was supposed to appear as white text using html tag. It works on my WP site, why not here? Are html tags turned off somehow?


  6. Is, or was, there a secret Mad Hatters bank account, containing all the five quids ratty owes to Nobbly, PLUS, all the five quids Nobbly owes to ratty, PLUS hundreds of brown paper bags of cash in payment for sexual and related services rendered by the Mad Hatters Moroccan Stud?
    Just asking…


  7. Regarding Duncanr’s sudden, and strange, disappearance, well . . .

    It may be just a coincidence, but then again, maybe not.

    Let’s give this some thought !

    As mentioned before, Duncanr has a beard.

    Who else that sports a beard has recently appeared in the news ?

    Who else on MH has, in many posts, randomly mentioned his love of Canada and has spent time living there ?

    Why did he quit the MH scene so abruptly ? Maybe his Grandmother told him to ?

    Was his claim of living in Birmingham just a ploy to cover the fact that he was living comfortably in a Grade 11 listed cottage, somewhere, the upkeep and decoration of which was funded by the public ?

    Was Duncanr getting pocket money from his Dad, to the tune of £2.5 million quid . . . Hmmm ?

    It’s possible. By his own admission, he was always down at the pub, and we all know how expensive Champagne is, don’t we !

    Perhaps “Duncanr” was just a pen name and his real name could be . . . may be, oh, I don’t know . . . Harry, or something. I really couldn’t guess.

    Also disappearing from the MH scene, and at the same time as Duncanr (whoever) was ATW. Another clever pseudonym ?

    What nationality is she ?

    That’s right. She is American.

    Is it possible that she, too, has previously spent time in Canada ?

    She’s also confessed to being a nature lover, this would, in my mind, include a love of animals. Hence, if she were ever to make for foreign climes, I’d wager she would take a couple of pets with her. Even ones like the dogs that Duncan has a passion for. Maybe, even a Corgi.

    Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not (God forbid !) suggesting anything. But – hey – Wink-Wink !


  8. Mah previoos post was joost a load ay kergo-fuelled bollocks, an’ Ah blame Nobbly, as was his suggestion tae dae sae.

    Ah kin ‘at no-ain has th’ first idea ay whit has happened tae uir Scawt, Duncan.

    Weel, dornt swatch at me tae pit yer minds at rest an’ fill ye in. Because, Ah tay, huvnae th’ faintest notion ay whit has happened tae heem.

    If Ah did hae onie kin’ ay info, Ah woods feel compelled tae shaur it wi’ ye an’ relieve yer anxieties, but Ah dornt.
    Sae feck ye, Jimmy.

    Ah ken ye hae followed thes, coz Ah dornt hink Ah coods hae written thes in onie mair clearer an’ understandable way.

    (As a tribute tae Duncan, Ah hae used his natife tongue, jist in case he has kicked th’ buckit’.)


  9. It seems that I could be almost right with my first suggestion as to Dunc’s whereabouts (see second comment, above):

    Looks like he’s got a new job:


    Wonder who the other successful applicant is . . . ?


  10. It’s a pity that that old fraud much-loved psychic Derek Acorah has finally pegged out. Maybe he could have told us whether or not Dunc has gone to that great Off Licence in the sky.


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