The return of Madame Pizdov

by NobblySan

Following redundancies on the staff at The Wright-Upham Evening Gazette, we are pleased to announce that the legendary, world-renowned, and often intoxicated astrologer Madame Pizdov has agreed to join us on a temporary basis.

The secret is in how you handle the balls, see.

She has studied her star charts, read the tea leaves and shaken a bag of bones (sorry, ratty, I hope you weren’t too battered and bruised ) in order to provide her predictions for this month’s horrorscope.

Laydees an’ Gennelmen, I give you, the one, the only . . . Madame Pizdov.

Aries – This is a time for quiet reflection. Stick your fingers in your ears and stand in front of a mirror

Taurus – Oh, not Taurus again. Why are you lot so fucking awkward to predict? I dunno . . . Don’t cross the road or you might get hit by a bus. How’s that?

Gemini – Everything seems to be happening too fast for you at the moment. Things are out of control. Get some Imodium down you

Cancer – Your right walking boot will develop a leak. You will need to perfect a hopping technique to get through large puddles

Leo – All Leos will win a large sum of money on the national lottery this month – pleeease

Virgo – A dodgy old snooker player – well past his best

Libra – Your neigbour’s cat will shit in your flowerbed. Again!

Scorpio – Pluto is in Uranus. Seek help from a canine behaviour expert; that dog is way too clingy

Sagittarius – Now is not a good time for changes in your life. Give those socks another few days; I’m sure you can blame the dog for the smell

Capricorn – Right doom merchants, you Capricorns, aren’t you? Lighten up a bit for fuck’s sake

Aquarius – This week is a good time to get the exhaust repaired on your car. How do I know? Because my neighbour is an aquarian and his bloody car makes a right racket every morning when he goes to work

Pisces – I foresee a run of dodgy curry at your local takeaway. Steer clear of the place, or you’ll end up the same as Gemini

Thank you for reading. Take care to run your daily life in accordance with my predictions.

Remember, I am Pizdov.

9 Comments to “The return of Madame Pizdov”

  1. So, Madame Pizdov lost her job at The Wright-Upham Evening Gazette.

    I bet she didn’t see that coming.


  2. Madame Pizdov is amazing! I’m a sagitarrius and I’m not taking my socks off.


    • Hi John.

      I will personally pass on your comments to Madame Pizdov.

      Please let us know how you get on with the socks, and how long it takes before the environmental health department show up at your house in HazMat suits.

      But I must warn you that I’m a Leo myself, so if the daft old bat’s wise old lady’s prediction comes true, I’ll soon be pocketing a load of cash and won’t give a shit either way.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Madame Pizdov.

    My -horticu- -hori- -hormonal- sign is Librarian, but I’d rather watch telly than read something.

    Is this typical of my sign, and if so, can I change it and become a Scorpion ?


  4. Oh come on ratty – you know the score: once a librarian, always a librarian. It’s too late to turn the page and start a new chapter as a shifty little arachnid.

    But . . .

    Seeing as it’s you, and we are old mates, I’ll ask Madame what can be done about it.

    Just gimme until tomorrow lunchtime to give her chance to sober up a bit.


  5. She’s absolutely steaming mate – I give you no Taurus. As quarius it may sound, I think she’s been at the floor cleaner this morning, seeing I’d hidden all the booze.


  6. FLOOR CLEANER ? ? ?

    Gemini-cricket !

    Well, at least it will sort out her Aries and make her look like a Virgo.


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