Following redundancies on the staff at The Wright-Upham Evening Gazette, we are pleased to announce that the legendary, world-renowned, and often intoxicated astrologer Madame Pizdov has agreed to join us on a temporary basis.
The secret is in how you handle the balls, see.
She has studied her star charts, read the tea leaves and shaken a bag of bones (sorry, ratty, I hope you weren’t too battered and bruised ) in order to provide her predictions for this month’s horrorscope.
Laydees an’ Gennelmen, I give you, the one, the only . . . Madame Pizdov.
Aries – This is a time for quiet reflection. Stick your fingers in your ears and stand in front of a mirror
Taurus – Oh, not Taurus again. Why are you lot so fucking awkward to predict? I dunno . . . Don’t cross the road or you might get hit by a bus. How’s that?
Gemini – Everything seems to be happening too fast for you at the moment. Things are out of control. Get some Imodium down you
Cancer – Your right walking boot will develop a leak. You will need to perfect a hopping technique to get through large puddles
Leo – All Leos will win a large sum of money on the national lottery this month – pleeease
Virgo – A dodgy old snooker player – well past his best
Libra – Your neigbour’s cat will shit in your flowerbed. Again!
Scorpio – Pluto is in Uranus. Seek help from a canine behaviour expert; that dog is way too clingy
Sagittarius – Now is not a good time for changes in your life. Give those socks another few days; I’m sure you can blame the dog for the smell
Capricorn – Right doom merchants, you Capricorns, aren’t you? Lighten up a bit for fuck’s sake
Aquarius – This week is a good time to get the exhaust repaired on your car. How do I know? Because my neighbour is an aquarian and his bloody car makes a right racket every morning when he goes to work
Pisces – I foresee a run of dodgy curry at your local takeaway. Steer clear of the place, or you’ll end up the same as Gemini
Thank you for reading. Take care to run your daily life in accordance with my predictions.
Remember, I am Pizdov.
