Author Archive

June 23, 2017

Quasimodo

by ratty

After Quasimodo’s death, the Archbishop of Paris at the Cathedral of Notre Dame sent word through the streets of Paris that a new bell ringer was needed.

The Archbishop decided that he would conduct the interviews personally and went up into the belfry to begin what he thought would be a long screening process.

After observing several applicants demonstrate their skills, he had decided to call it a day and would offer prayers for more success the next day.

Just then, an armless man approached him and falling flat on his face announced that he was there to apply for the bell ringer’s job. The bishop was incredulous.

But man you have no arms !'”No matter,” said the man. “Observe my technique !”

And he began striking the bells with his face, producing a beautiful melody on the massive carillon.

The Archbishop listened in astonishment; convinced he had finally found a replacement for Quasimodo.

But suddenly, as he rushed forward to strike the final bell, the armless man tripped and plunged headlong out of the belfry window to his death in the street below.

The stunned Archbishop rushed down the two hundred and ninety five steps of the bell tower. When he reached the street, a crowd had gathered around the fallen figure. They had been drawn to the Cathedral, by the beautiful music they had heard only moment before from the melodious bells.

They silently parted to let the Archbishop through and one of them asked,

“Archbishop, who was this man . . ?”

“I don’t know his name,” the bishop sadly replied,

“BUT HIS FACE RINGS A BELL”

WAIT ! WAIT ! There’s more . . .

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June 23, 2017

Sshh ! Don’t Tell Duncan

by ratty

If you’re a Celt, then everyone’s got a knife out for you . . .

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-4631116/It-cannae-true-Irn-Bru-isn-t-Scottish-s-American.html

June 13, 2017

My New Neighbour

by ratty

She’s single . . .

She’s shapely . . .

She’s beautiful and she lives right across the road. I can see her place from my lounge window.

I watched as she got home from work this evening.

I was surprised when she walked across the street, up my driveway and knocked on the door.

I opened the door, she looked at me and said, “I just got home, and I have this strong urge to have a good time, get drunk, and have sex tonight. Are you doing anything ?”

I quickly replied, “Nope, I’m free !”

“Great,” she said. “Can you watch my dog ?”

Sometimes, being an OAP can be a real shite !

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May 22, 2017

Duncan has been seen

by ratty

. . . out and about and partying with two gorgeous female MH employees, Michelle and Phyllis.

duncan-birthday

And why not ?

After all there is a very good reason . . .

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May 16, 2017

Self Harming

by ratty
There was a man (we’ll call him, Mic) who worked in a pickle factory.

For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist.

After six months, the therapist gave up.

He advised Mic to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

The next day Mic came home from work very early.

His wife became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

Mic tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

She gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

She looked up and said, “I don’t understand. What about the pickle slicer?”

Mic replied, “I think she got fired, too.”

April 28, 2017

PROFUNDITY

by ratty
Sometimes you experience an insight so profound, that it makes you feel like you were touched by Socrates, Freud, or even Einstein.

Please ponder the example below :

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February 5, 2017

Come on guys, I need the cash . . .

by ratty

download

January 29, 2017

So true !

by ratty

I’m not a Grandparent, but I know what this feels like . . .

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January 21, 2017

TAM’S MUCKLE TURD

by ratty

BY ROBERT BURNS

TAMS MUCKLE TURD.

Intae the wids amongst the trees.
Tam bared his erse, his cheeks to ease.
Nae sinner hud his breeks gan doon.
Than shitty flees were swarming roon.

.

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January 9, 2017

SECURITY UPDATE

by ratty

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.” Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.” The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorised from “Tiresome” to a “Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

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