Ralph returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, Ralph asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love.
About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, “Honey, you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?”
Of course, the wife agrees and they do it again. Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes he now has only eight hours left. He touches his wife’s shoulder and asks, “Honey, please… just one more time before I die?”
She says, “Of course, dear.” And they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over & falls asleep. Ralph, however, worried about his impending death, tosses & turns until he’s down to four more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses.
“Honey, I have only four more hours. Do you think we could…?”
At this point the wife sits up and says, “Listen Ralph, I have to get up in the morning … You don’t.”
WARNING!!! Scam on EBay!!!
I spent $50 on E-bay for a penis enlarger.
The bastards sent me a magnifying glass.
Sign seen on door:
Please do not incorrige!”
An elderly pair (he a widower, she a widow) meet in a retirement village. They seem to hit it off; they share each other’s values, enjoy the same jokes, and find pleasure in each other’s company.
After a few months, the widower asks for the hand of the widow in marriage. She appears hesitant and decided to probe her soon-to-be a little.
“Perhaps I shouldn’t look a gift horse in the mouth, but… How’s your health?”
“It’s OK”, he answers. “I’m not getting any younger, but I don’t have any major health problems. I can still enjoy life”.
“Well, then”, she replies “I don’t want to be a snoop, but I’ve got to protect myself: how are you fixed financially?”
“So-so. I’m not rich, but I’m comfortable. You don’t have to worry about me sponging off you; I can support myself”.
The little old lady blushes, and finally asks her swain – “And how do you like your sex?”
“Infrequently”, he declares.
The widow ponders this for a moment or so, before asking… “And is that one word or two?
The Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he’d buy his wife something to keep her occupied while he was away.
He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ‘Well, I don’t know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except…
“The Magic Penis!’
The Husband said, ‘The what’?
The man repeated,
‘The Magic Penis,’
and pulled out what seemed like an ordinary dildo. The husband laughed, and said, ‘It looks like a dildo!’
The man then pointed to the door and said,
‘Magic Penis, the door!’
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole.
The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said,
‘Magic Penis, return to your box!’ and the penis stopped and returned to the box. The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days,
The Wife remembered the Magic Penis.
She undressed, opened the box and said
‘Magic Penis, my crotch.’
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible.
After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she’d had enough.
She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck.
Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got into her car and started for the nearest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm
made her swerve all over the road.
A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over.
He asked her for her license,
then asked how much she’d had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said,
‘I haven’t had anything to drink officer. You see, I’ve got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won’t stop screwing me.’
The officer looked at her for a few seconds,
shook his head and replied, ‘Yeah,, right,,,now I’ve heard them all Maam,
Magic Penis,,,,,,,,, my arse…!’
HOW TO START A FIGHT
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as
a Christmas gift…
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
“Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s how the fight started…..
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while
we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’
‘No,’ she answered. I then said,
‘Is that your final answer?’
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started…
I took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started…..
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his
drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, “Do you know him?”
“Yes”, she sighed,
“He’s my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking
right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he
hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on
celebrating that long?”
And then the fight started…
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting
to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had
something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat,
making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she
thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall
grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into
the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again
I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the
grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.”
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.
She asked, “What’s on TV?”
I said, “Dust.”
And then the fight started…
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my
lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the
garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back
into bed. I cuddled up to my wife’s back; now with a different
anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is
My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my
stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s how the fight started…
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in
about 3 seconds.”
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started……
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply
for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to
verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have
to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for
me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at
the Social Security office. She said, ‘You should have dropped
your pants. You might have gotten disability too.’
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
“I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you
to pay me a compliment.’
I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.”
And then the fight started……..
I rear-ended a car this morning…the start of a REALLY bad day!
The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!!
He looked up at me and said ‘I am NOT Happy!’
So I said, ‘Well, which one ARE you then?’
That’s how the fight started.
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A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.
He’s rather taken a back because he can’t place where he knows her from.
So he says, ‘Do you know me?’
She replies, ‘I think you’re the father of one of my kids.’
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,
‘Are you the stripper from the bachelor party thatI made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner
whipped my butt with wet celery???’
She looks into his eyes and says calmly,
‘No, I’m your son’s teacher.’
hahahahahahahahaha oh please goddy goldington give me an opportunity to use this one at my kids school!!!!
A Tennessee State trooper pulled a motorist over
The trooper asked, “Got any ID?”
The driver replied, “Bout whut?”
A man goes into his local bookshop and asked the young lady assistant, “Do you have the new book out for men with short penises?
She replied, “I’m not sure if it’s in yet.”
“That’s the one, I’ll take a copy.”
Erchie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s plans for his forthcoming wedding.
“Ach, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings,the minister, even ma stag night…”
Erchie nods approvingly.
“Hivvens, I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Erchie, “That’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that!
“And what’s the tartan?” Erchie then enquires.
“Ach,” says Jock, “I imagine she’ll be in white…”
A man boarded an aircraft at London ‘s Heathrow Airport for New York , and taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo – she took the seat right beside him.
“Hello”, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, “Business. I’m going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the United States ….”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded,” I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality..”
“Really”, he smiled, “what myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained, “one popular myth is that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Greek descent.
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the Irish.”
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I really shouldn’t be discussing this with you, I don’t even know your name!”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy.”
hahahahahahahahahahaha oh these are just making MY morning!!!!!
glad you like them😆
please feel free to add any jokes of your own here !
Can never remember the damn punch lines so will skip that particular treat, but ta anyway. Must say that your blog is really great, thanks to you all for a little sunshine -albeit weird and twisted hehehe!
you got the weird and twisted bit right😆
Q: How did Paddy burn his ear?
A: Some one rang him up while he was ironing.
Q: How did Paddy burn his other ear?
A: Well he had to call the clinic, didn’t he.
Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, a dumb blonde and a smart blonde get in a lift. There’s a dollar on the floor.
Q: Who picks it up?
A: The dumb blonde.
A: There is no such thing as Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, or a smart blonde.
Q: How do you tell if a blonde’s been using the computer?
A: There’s white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde’s wearing panty hose?
A: When she farts, her ankles swell.
Q: What do you get if you send the Godfather to law school?
A: An offer you can’t understand.
Q: What do you get if you send a prostitute to law school?
A: A fucking know-all.
There was a young fellow from Kent
Whose prick was exceedingly bent
To save himself trouble
He stuck it in double
So instead of coming, he went.
Two Aussies are adrift in a lifeboat.
While rummaging through the boat’s provisions one of them finds an old lamp. He rubs the lamp and a genie suddenly appears. This genie tells them that he only grants one wish.
Without giving much thought to the matter, the lamp finder blurts out, “Turn the entire ocean into VB!”
The genie claps his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turns into beer.
The genie disappears and only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull breaks the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
The second Aussie turns to the first and says, “Nice going mate! Now we’re going to have to pee in the boat.”
A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn’t know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Please find enclosed a Pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet.
Yorkshireman: “Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat.”
Vet: “Is it a tom?”
Yorkshireman: “Nay, I’ve browt it with us.”
A Yorkshireman’s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides
to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by.
Yorkshireman: “Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?”
Jeweller: “Do you want it 18 carat?”
Yorkshireman: “No I want it chewin’ a bone yer daft bugger!”
A Yorkshireman’s wife dies and the widower decides
that her headstone should have the words
“She were thine” engraved on it.
He calls the stone mason,
who assures him that the headstone
will be ready a few days after the funeral.
True to his word the stone mason calls the widower
to say that the headstone is ready
and would he like to come and have a look.
When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone
to see that it’s been engraved “She were thin”.
He explodes: “‘ells bells man, you’ve left the bloody “e” out,
you’ve left the bloody “e” out!”
The stone mason apologises profusely
and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning.
Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason:
“There you go sir, I’ve put the “e” on the stone for you”.
The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud:
“E, she were thin”.
I came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength
in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I’d pass it on.
The article suggested doing it three days a week. Begin by standing on a
comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side.
With a 5-lb. potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from
your sides, and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full
minute, then relax. Each day, you’ll find that you can hold this position
for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb. potato sacks. Then 50-lb. potato
sacks, and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lb. potato
sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute.
Once you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks…
oh i found it! lol
(get it! LOL)
A family had just sat down to enjoy their annual Christmas dinner with Turkey and all the trimmings, when there was a knock on the front door. The man of the house got up and went to see who it was. To his surprise there was no-one there. As he was about to shut the door, he noticed on the doorstep a strangely alert looking snail.
The snail cleared its throat and said in a clear, but squeaky voice – “Excuse me, but are you about to sit down to your Christmas meal?” The man was stunned, but said – “Yes, why?” Whereupon the snail replied – “My family and I are starving so I was wondering if you could spare us just a little!” The man was utterly gobsmacked and shouted angrily – “Fuck off!” and promptly kicked the snail right over his hedge and into his neighbour’s garden.
He sat down again with his family and they finished their meal and not another thought was given to the incident. The weeks went by and Easter was soon upon them and once more they were sat around the table. They were about to tuck in to their meal when there was again a knock on the door. The man got up, strode to the door and opened it only to find no-one there. As he was about to shut the door, he noticed that the strangely alert looking snail was on the doorstep again.
The snail fixed him with a sad look in his eye and, with the utmost hurt in his voice, said – “What did you do that for?”
Pat and Mick decide to go sea fishing, so they drive to the coast and hire a boat. They have a great day’s fishing, and load their van up with baskets of cod, mackerel, sea bass and whiting.
As they are driving back home, Pat says “You know, we had such a great day, I’d like to come back tomorrow and see if we can catch as many. God, I wish we’d marked that spot now.”
“Don’t worry” says Mick, “I thought of that – I marked a ‘X’ in the bottom of the boat!”
They drive on for a few more minutes in silence, then Pat turns to Mick and exclaims: “What if we get a different boat?!”
Three fathers are waiting in a maternity ward – an Englishman, a Welshman and a Pakistani.
A junior doctor appears, and announces that there has been an administrative cockup, and they cannot guarantee which baby belongs to which family,
As this is a joke, the fathers accept the situation, and decide to draw straws to see who shall go in and choose a baby to be their own.
The Englishman wins first pick and goes through the double doors into the ward. He returns a few minutes later, carrying what is obviously the Pakistani baby – a fact that the Pakistani father points out to him in a rather aggrieved fashion.
“Look, mate” says the Englishman, “one of those two left in there is Welsh, and I couldn’t take any chances.”
Tony, a businessman, has a serious infection in his right eye, which is causing his sight to deteriorate. He is seeing the top ophthalmic specialist in the country, but there is little he can do for him other than to remove the failing eye and replace it with a glass one.
“There is hope, though” says the surgeon, “An American doctor has recently performed the first transplant, and it appears to have been successful. However, a donor eye would have to be a close tissue match, and obviously the right size. I will put your name down, but it could take years”.
A few weeks later Tony is driving to Newcastle for a meeting, and pulls off the A1 somewhere in N Yorkshire, looking for a country pub in order to have some lunch. After half a mile, he spots a pink Jaguar on its roof in a ditch and pulls over to take a look. The accident has apparently just happened, as the engine is still warm, and he can hear the clicking noises as it cools off.
He looks inside the car to see a middle-aged man hanging from his seatbelt, obviously dead. He is about to call the emergency services when he notices that the man’s eyes are open. He is around the same age and build as himself, and his eyes are even the same colour! Tony looks around, but it is deserted, and there are no traffic sounds. He wrenches the door open and leans into the car, plucking out the corpse’s right eye and carefully wrapping it in his handkerchief. He removes his glass eye and pops it into the gaping socket.
Back in his car, Tony places the eye on the passenger seat and turns the air conditioning up full on its coldest setting, before driving back to London. He manages to get to see his specialist, who agrees to test it despite the lack of any paperwork accompanying the organ. Within hours he is in surgery, having the eye transplanted: the specialist agrees to forge some paperwork in order to have the kudos of performing Britain’s first successful eye transplant.
The operation is a complete success and, now recovered, Tony is again driving up the A1 to attend his rescheduled meeting. He is feeling peckish so, in the same area as before, he pulls off down a country road, looking for something to eat. As he is passing a garage, he glances down the side and can’t believe his eyes when he sees the wreck of a pink Jag! He pulls in, and gets out of the car to take a look. Before he gets to the wreck, a man comes out of the garage:
“Can I help you, sir? ”
“Er, I noticed that this is the same model as mine, and was hoping to buy some spares from you, as some things are hard to get hold of” replies Tony, thinking quickly. “Looks like a bad smash”.
“Yes, it was” says the mechanic, “Happened a couple of months ago – some poor bugger died in it. The police have impounded it – not allowed to touch it”.
“Oh, why’s that, then?”
“Well, it’s become a bit of a local mystery – the police are completely baffled!”
“How do you mean?”
“Well, it seems that he drove from Edinburgh with two glass eyes!”
Just before he becomes PM, Gordon Brown is visiting a primary school in his constituency. He is shown into a classroom where the children are studying the meanings of words. The ignorant, neurotic jock is invited to lead the class with the meaning of the word ‘tragedy’.
“Can anyone give me an example of a tragedy?” asks the most unsuitable person for the post of Prime Minister.
A boy stands up: “If a little girl was playing in a field on her daddy’s farm, and got run over by a tractor, that would be a tragedy” he says.
“No, that would be an accident!” snaps Brown. “Anybody else?”
A girl stands up: ” If a coachload of children coming back from a trip to the seaside went over a cliff, and they were all killed, that would be a tragedy” she says.
“Of course not! That would be a great loss” roars the granite-faced ogre. “Can anybody else give me an example?”
A boy at the back stands up: “If an aeroplane carrying you and Mr Blair was hit by a friendly-fire missile when you were visiting Afghanistan, and blew up in mid-air, that would be a tragedy.”
“Well, done, boy! Absolutely correct! And can you tell me why it would be a tragedy?”
“Well” replies the boy, “It has to be a tragedy, because it wouldn’t be a great loss, and it certainly wouldn’t be a fucking accident!”
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard
The 6 year old asks, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.”The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
The 6 year old continues,”When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”
The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.
He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up,and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit,slapping his rear with every step.
His mom locks him in his room and shouts, “You can stay there until I let you out!”
She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”
“I don’t know,” he blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios!”
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: ‘coz it farted.
A man walks into a bar with a box. The barman says:
“Free drink if you show me what’s in the box.” says the barman.
“OK” he says, and opens it, revealing a mini-pianist.
“Where did you get that?” asks the barman.
” I’ve got a magic ring. Rub it, and it grants a wish,” says the man. “I’ll let you have a go for another free drink.”
The barman rubs it and 1,000 ducks run in.
“I didn’t ask for that!” screams the barman. “I wanted a 1,000 bucks!”
“Well, do you think I asked for a 12in-pianist?”
Late Phone Call To The Vet
A dog lover, whose dog was a female and “in heat’, agreed to look after her neighbors male dog while the neighbors were on vacation. She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds. She rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said:
“Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs.
I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erection, then he will be able to withdraw.”
“Do you think that will work?” she asked.
“It just worked for me,” he replied.
You lazy bastard, ratty. You could at least have Anglicised it after pasting it.
Hangs head in shame and goes to work in the Colonies to atone for his sin.
“Whit ur ye daein’ in scootlund?” he’s asked.
Jack and Jill are hardworking and have been with the company for years, but times are hard and Ted, the boss, knows he’ll have to lay one of them off. As he can’t find any reason to prefer one over the other, he decides to leave it to chance, and the first one to leave for lunch will be the one laid off.
But both of them stay and eat at their desks.
So he then decides that he’ll fire the one who leaves work first at the end of the day.
But they both get up and leave at the same time.
Finally, in desperation, Ted walks out to Jill’s car and says: “Jill, I am trying to decide whether to lay you or Jack off. What do you think?”
And that’s how the court case started…
Once upon a time, in a not so far away land… three insanely brave (or stupid) men named Ickbud, Rallesklar, and Candunk, decided to make fun of Eunice, the evil mad scientist. Eunice kidnapped and experimented on them all. Then, the three men went mad and died. The End.
“Father, why do we indians have strange names like ‘Sitting Bull’ and ‘White Cloud’ ?”
“It is tradition, son. Your name is the first thing your father sees when he leaves the birth teepee. But why do you ask, Dogs Fucking ?“
Q: “What do you call three sheep in the luggage compartment of a Holden car?”
A: “An Ugg Boot”
Edinburgh Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of Gorilla.
Within a few weeks, the gorilla became very restless and difficult to handle.
Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem – the gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem, the Zoo management remembered (let’s call him Duncan), a big Scottish lad, responsible for fixing the Zoo’s machinery. Duncan wasn’t too bright, but like most Scots, seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy any female. So, the Zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Duncan was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for £500?
Duncan showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, Duncan announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions:
“First,” he said, “Ah dinnae want tae hae tae kiss ‘er”. “Secondly, ye can ne’er teel anyain abit thes.” The Zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked Duncan what his third condition was.
“Weel,” said Duncan, “aam gonnae need anither week tae come up wi’ th’ 500 poonds.”
And a few months later… Nobbly was born
I lol’d at that
At 85 years of age, Roger married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new, but aged, husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected ‘knock’ on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action… They unite as one. All goes well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it’s Roger. Again he is ready for more ‘action’. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the newly weds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, you guessed it – Roger is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more ‘action’. And, once more they enjoy each other.
But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, ‘I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Roger..’
Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: ‘You mean I’ve been here already?’
Roger’s older brother, Ralph 88, hearing about his sibling’s capacity for shagging 25 year-olds, decides to get a piece of the action himself and, being a charming, educated man with his mental faculties still intact, woos Jenny’s 21 year-old sister Julie, and invites her to his house for dinner.
However, he is not confident that he will be able to perform sexually as well as his kid brother, so he pays a visit to his GP to ask him for a Viagra prescription. The doc is astonished when Ralph tells him that he has a 21 year-old coming around that evening, and that he intends giving her a good shagging. The GP agrees to write him a prescription for half a dozen tablets, but advises him to take just a half of one, as he is concerned that Ralph’s heart may not be upto it.
The next day, the doctor is sitting in his surgery when the door opens, and who should hobble in but Ralph, looking ten years older, ashen-faced, and shaking.
“Ralph – you look terrible!” exclaims the GP “Did you just take half a Viagra tablet?”
“No, doc, I took two” whispers the old man.
“I suppose you want something for your back, then?”
“No, something for my arm, doc – she didn’t turn up!”
Well that’s a bit sexist of you stickybud(*)… You changed ratty’s and duncan’s names, but you didn’t even attempt to hide the identity of Julie.
Well spotted allesklar* and, just for the record, would everyone note that I am the younger brother, silver plate.
Yes, I know. She didn’t turn up, remember?
When I go, I want to go like my grandfather, peacefully in his sleep, not screaming in terror like his passengers.
It reminds me of when I was a young man, and didn’t know about etiquette when taking out ladies.
Yes, once I forgot to open the car door for a young woman!
I realised this as I was swimming for the surface….
(Thought I’d better credit the genius Emo Phillips for that one!)
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.
With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.
After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.”
The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.
“Wow, Mum,” he exclaimed. “For me?”
“Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there was a kingdom where the king and all his subjects lived in mortal fear of a fierce fire-breathing dragon. But luckily, a handsome prince, probably named ratty (or maybe even duncan), came along in the nick of time and slew the dragon. The king, desirous of showing his gratitude, said the handsome prince could sleep with one of his three daughters: the oldest, who slept naked from the waist up; the second daughter, who slept naked from the waist down; or the youngest, who slept completely naked.
Which daughter did the handsome prince sleep with that night?
The answer is of course, none of them. He slept with the king. This is a fairy story.
in that case, the prince was definitely named ‘ratty’😆
Pwince watty ?
Duncan, you howwid, howwid man (but I like you !)
Did you hear about the cowboy who met an Indian on horseback, with a dog and a sheep trotting alongside.
After the usual greetings, the cowboy says “Can I talk to your horse?”
The Indian says, increduously, “HORSE NO TALK !?!”
Cowboy says to to the horse, “Does your owner treat you well?”
The horse says, “Yes plenty of hay, straw, and grooming etc.”
Cowboy asks Indian if he can speak to his dog. The Indian replies, falteringly, “DOG NO TALK.”
Cowboy asks dog, “Does your owner treat you well?”
Dog says, “Sure, plenty fresh meat, exercise and grooming.”
Cowboy says, “Can I speak to your sheep?”
Indian says, “SHEEP BIG LIAR !!!”
Did you hear about the gay cowboy, who rode into town and shot up the sheriff?
The lifeguard caught me peeing in the local swimming pool today.
The bugger shouted so loudly at me, I nearly fell in.
What do you get if you eat baked beans and onions?
The Glasgow Rangers’ manager flies to Kabul to watch a young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.
Two weeks later Rangers are 4-0 down to Celtic with only 20 minutes left, the manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.
The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Rangers.
The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in Scottish football.
‘Hello mum, guess what?’ he says ‘I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4-0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.’
‘Wonderful,’ says his mum, ‘Let me tell you about my day.
Your father got shot in the street, your sister and I were ambushed and assaulted, your brother has joined a gang of looters and all the while you tell me that you were having a great time.’
The young lad is very upset. ‘What can I say mum, but I’m really sorry.’
‘Sorry?!!! Sorry?!!!’ says his mum, ‘It’s your bloody fault we came to Glasgow in the first place!’
A guy got chatting to a girl in a club:
“Can I buy you a drink?” he asked.
“Have you not got a girlfriend?” she replied, “Guys like you always have girlfriends.”
“No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago.” he assured her.
“Oh I’m sorry to hear that,” she answered, “Go on then, I’ll have a white wine please.”
A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle they headed off back to her place and made passionate love.
While he was putting his clothes back on she said,
“So, you’re good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend?”
He said, “My wife found out.”
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.
While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, ‘What is that you just served?’
The waiter replied, ‘Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull’s testicles from the bullfight this morning. A delicacy!’
The cowboy said, ‘What the heck, bring me an order.’
The waiter replied, ‘I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.’
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, ‘These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday.’
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, ‘Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins!’
Did you hear about the fat, alcoholic transvestite – All he wanted to do was eat, drink and be Mary.
I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.
After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Jim woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realised he had made it home safely.
Paddy says to Mick, “Christmas is on Friday this year”. Mick said, “Let’s hope it’s not the 13th then.”
My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
Since the snow came all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I’ll have to let her in.
I’ve been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.
Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That’s a lot. Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.
Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.
I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Roche…
Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year’s Riots….Your One Year Manufacturer’s Warranty Runs Out Soon.
IT’S A BOY” I shouted “A BOY, I DON’T BELIEVE IT, IT’S A BOY”
And with tears streaming down my face I swore I’d never visit another Thai Brothel.
Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital…one’s in a korma.. The other’s got a dodgy tikka.
In the first few days of the Olympics the Romanians took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
Sailing results are in, GB took gold, USA took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth.
An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan ! He is making land Mines that look like prayer mats! It’s doing well! Prophets are going through the roof.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.
A boy asks his granny, ‘Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?’
Granny replies, f@@k the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room. Dad reluctantly agrees.
Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, ‘Dad, what’s love juice?’
Dad looks horrified and tells Billy all about sex.
Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.
Dad says, ‘So what were you watching?’
Billy says, ‘ Wimbledon .’
A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: ‘I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.’
He replies, ‘Your eyesight is perfect.’
Wife gets naked and asks hubby, ‘What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?’
Hubby looks her up and down and replies, ‘Your sense of humour!
Johnny notices that one of his schoolfriends is wearing a new Seiko watch, worth about £200.
“Wow! Where did you get that?” he asks.
The boy replies that his dad bought him it, but Johnny is sceptical, as he knows that his friend’s dad never buys him anything.
“C’mon – where did you get it? Did you steal it?”
“No, I’m telling you the truth – my dad did buy me it. He’s got a bit on the side, and the other day I caught him shagging her when I nicked off from school. He bought me it to stop me telling my mum”.
“Hey, my dad’s got a bit on the side, too – I’m going to do the same!” says Johnny.
So, a few days later, when his mum is at work, and his dad is working night shifts, he nicks off school and goes home.
The house seems quiet but, as he sneaks upstairs with his shoes off, he can hear moaning coming from his parents’ room, and the sound of the bed-head banging against the wall. He tiptoes to the door and turns the handle. As the door opens, sure enough, he sees his dad shagging his girlfriend.
His dad suddenly looks up and sees Johnny standing in the doorway.
“What do you want?” he roars.
“I wanna watch!” says Johnny.
“Well, sit down there, and be quiet!” says his dad.
A husband walks into ‘La Senza’ to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from £250 to £500 in price — the more sheer, the higher the price.
Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the £500, and takes it home.
He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.
Upstairs the wife thinks (she’s no dummy), “I have an idea. It’s so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won’t put it on, but I’ll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the £500 refund for myself.”
She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.
The husband says, “Good Grief! You’d think for £500, they’d at least iron it!”
Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while..
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor anywhere in the village. The Vet didn’t have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his mother and father would fan a cow (with a big towel) that was having difficulty breeding.
This would cool her down and make her relax. So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after the other for about two and a half hours. When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said: “And that, me auld son, is how ya wave a feckin’ towel” .
Steve, Bruce and Kevin are working on a high-rise building project.
Kevin falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Steve says, “Someone should go and tell his missus.”
Bruce says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.
Steve says, “Where did you get that, Bruce?”
“Kevin’s missus gave it to me,”
“That’s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you a case of beer?”
“Well not exactly,” says Bruce. “When she answered the door, I said, ‘You must be Kevin’s widow’.
She said, ‘No, I’m not a widow.’
And I said, ‘I’ll bet you a case of Fosters you are’.”
Balance on Earth
Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for Six days. Eventually, Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God, “Where have you been?”
God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, “Behold, what I’ve made.” Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, “What is it?”
“It’s a planet, replied God, “and I’ve put LIFE on it. I’m going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a great place of balance”.
“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.
God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth.
“For example, Northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while Southern Europe is going to be poor; the Middle East over there will be a hot spot.”
“Over there I’ve placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people” God continued, pointing to different countries. “And over there, I call this place America.
North America will be rich and powerful and cold, while South America will be poor, and hot and friendly. And the little spot in the middle is Central America which is a Hot spot. Can you see the balance?”
“Yes” said the Archangel, impressed by Gods work, then he pointed to a smallish land mass and asked, “What’s that one?”
“Ah” said God. “That’s New Zealand, the most glorious place on Earth. There are beautiful mountains, rainforests, rivers, streams and an exquisite coast line. The people are good looking, intelligent and humorous and they’re going to be found traveling the world. They’ll be extremely sociable, hard-working and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace. I’m also going to give them super- human, undefeatable, strong in character citizens who will be admired and feared by all who come across them”.
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then exclaimed, “You said there’d be BALANCE!”
God replied wisely. “Wait until you see the buggers I’m putting next to them”
After numerous rounds of “We don’t even know if Osama is still alive”,Osama himself decided to send George W a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
Bush was baffled, so he typed it out and emailed it to Colin Powell. Colin and his aides had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA, and the Secret Service. Eventually they asked Britain’s MI6 for help. MI6 cabled the White House:
“Tell the President he is looking at the message upside down.”
A refuse collector , is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasn’t been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. There’s no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again – a bit harder and then harder still. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. “Harro!” says the Chinese man. “Gidday, mate! Where’s ya bin?” asks the collector. “I bin on toiret,” explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.. “No! No! Mate, where’s your dust bin?” “I dust been to toiret, I toll you!” says the Chinese man, still perplexed. “Listen,” says the collector. “You’re misunderstanding me. Where’s your wheelie’ bin?'” “OK, OK.” replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector’s ear. “I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife’s sista!”
Barak Obama and David Cameron are shown a time machine which can see 100 years into the future.
They both decide to test it by asking a question each. Barak goes first.
“What will the USA be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action and gives him a printout, he reads it out:
“The country is in good hands under the new president, crime is non-existent,there is no conflict, the economy is healthy. There are no worries”
David thinks “It’s not bad this time machine, I’ll have a bit of that” so he asks: “What will England be like in 100 years time?”
The machine whirs and beeps and goes into action, and he gets a printout. But he just stares at it.
“Come on David” says Barak, “What does it say.”
David replies, “Buggered if I know! It’s not in English!”
Blonde in the car listening to the radio-
” ..You are listening to BBC radio 1..”
Bonde terrified- ” How did he know!!!”
A man passed out on the beach in Naples, Florida for four hours, and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to the front of his legs above his knees.
He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.
With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every 4 hours.
The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, ‘What good will Viagra do for him, Doctor?’
The Doctor replied, ‘It won’t do anything for his condition, but it’ll keep the sheets off his legs.’
A Scots guy, called Duncan, and an Irishman, called Murphy; go into a pastry shop
Duncan, the Scots guy, whisks three biscuits into his pocket with lightning speed. The Baker doesn’t even notice.
The Scots guy says to Murphy, “You see how clever we are? You Irish can never beat that!”
Murphy says to Duncan , “Watch this, any Irishman is smarter than you, and I’ll prove it to you.”
He says to the baker, “Give me a biscuit, and I’ll show you a magic trick!”
The baker gives him the biscuit, which he promptly eats.
Then he says to the baker, “Give me another biscuit for my magic trick.”
The baker is getting suspicious, but he gives it to him. He eats this one too.
Then he says again, “Give me one more biscuit … The baker is getting angry now, but gives him one anyway. He eats this one too.
Now the baker is really mad, and he yells, “OK … so where is your famous magic trick?”
Murphy says ….
“Now look in the Scot’s guy’s pocket!”
An Irishman was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
‘I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you should have lost at least 5 pounds.
… When the Irishman returned, he shocked the doctor by having lost nearly 60 pounds!
‘Why, that’s amazing!’ the doctor said, ‘Did you follow my instructions?’
The Irishman nodded…’I’ll tell you though, by jaesuz, I t’aut I were going to drop dead on dat 3rd day.’
‘From the hunger, you mean?’ asked the doctor.
‘No, from that bloody skipping!
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life.
A huge heart . . . covered in flowers, stood behind the coffin during the service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe.
Following the eulogy, the heart opened and the casket rolled inside. The heart then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever..
At that point, one of the mourners just burst into laughter.
When all eyes stared at him, he said, “I am so sorry, I was just thinking of my own funeral . . . I’m a gynaecologist.”
Two mathematicians were having dinner. One was complaining: ‘The average person is a mathematical idiot. People cannot do arithmetic correctly, cannot balance a checkbook, cannot calculate a tip, cannot do percents, …’ The other mathematician disagreed: ‘You’re exaggerating. People know all the math they need to know.’
Later in the dinner the complainer went to the men’s room. The other mathematician beckoned the waitress to his table and said, ‘The next time you come past our table, I am going to stop you and ask you a question. No matter what I say, I want you to answer by saying “x squared.”‘ She agreed. When the other mathematician returned, his companion said, ‘I’m tired of your complaining. I’m going to stop the next person who passes our table and ask him or her an elementary calculus question, and I bet the person can solve it.’ Soon the waitress came by and he asked: ‘Excuse me, Miss, but can you tell me what the integral of 2x with respect to x is?’ The waitress replied: ‘x squared.’ The mathematician said, ‘See!’ His friend said, ‘Oh … I guess you were right.’ And the waitress said, ‘Plus a constant.’
— Michael Stueben, Twenty Years Before the Blackboard, 1998 (http://www.futilitycloset.com/category/humor/)
John asked Clara
A walk with him
And pick flowers.
But Clara’s brother
They picked flowers.
— North Carolina Boll Weevil, 1922
Paddy walks into a bar in Dublin , orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the corner of the room drinking a sip out of each pint in turn.
When he had finished all three, he went back to the bar and ordered three more.
The barman says,”You know a pint goes flat soon after I pull it. Your pint would taste better if you bought one at a time.”
Paddy replies, “Well now, I have two brodders, one is in America and de odder in Australia and here I am in Dublin ..
When we all left home, we promised dat we’d drink dis way to remember de days we all drank togedder.”
The barman admits that this is a nice custom and says no more.
Paddy becomes a regular customer and always drinks the same way ordering three pints and drinking a sip out of each in turn until they are finished.
One day he comes in and orders just two pints.
All the other regulars in the bar notice and fall silent.
When he goes back to the bar for the second round the barman says, “I don’t want to intrude on your grief but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss.”
Paddy looks confused for a moment, then the penny drops and he starts to laugh, “Oh no,” he says, “Bejesus, everyone is fine!
“Tis me . . . I’ve quit drinking !”
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