Archive for ‘children’

July 15, 2019

Strap in, Tommy, you’re about to see some shit go down

by allthoughtswork

Buckle up, Timmy. You're about to see some shit

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July 10, 2019

Annoying interviewer is the female version of Piers Morgan

by allthoughtswork

Is this an interview or a stoning? Every time I hear that forceful, self-important inhale of hers, I know she’s gearing up to take another whack.  This is one of the most sloped-foreheaded, uninformed, unempathetic women I’ve ever witnessed. Besides evangelists, I mean.

Come to think of it, she’s probably one of the traumatized children he’s talking about it. She sounds triggered. Hmm.

Gabor Maté is a sage. His approach to addiction and mental health removes the sting and stigma while simultaneously empowering the sufferer–let’s see religion or Prozac do that. I’ll wager my house she’s intimately acquainted with both.

July 6, 2019

Microbes from an 8-year-old boy who’s been playing outside

by allthoughtswork

Microbes Left Behind From The Handprint Of An 8-Year-Old Boy After Playing Outside

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Imagine what his father’s hand would look like after playing inside. The soap’s there for a reason, you manky wankers.

June 30, 2019

Swimming classes are now compulsory

by allthoughtswork

“All I’m saying is, I wished for an endless summer vacation, and now the glaciers are melting.”

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June 29, 2019

“It just doesn’t matter!”

by allthoughtswork

A comedy highlight from the classic movie Meatballs is actually a brilliant speech….

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June 29, 2019

The sugar industry? Not so sweet

by allthoughtswork

Regulated, my ass. The sugar industry is just a legalized cocaine cartel allowed to market to children. Makin’ America great again.

PS: Those fruit smoothies you’re slurping down aren’t the Get Out of Jail Free Cards you think they are, they’re actually worse. Your liver has approved this message.

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June 26, 2019

Car wash has gun so you can shoot soap suds at your vehicle

by allthoughtswork

My Local Car Wash Has A Gun For Kids That Shoots Soap Suds At The Cars Going Into The Car Wash

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I think it’s supposed to be for kids but Dad ain’t givin’ it over any time soon when each dead bug on the grill is worth fifty points.

June 20, 2019

Write out the “T” sound in the picture

by allthoughtswork

The answer is “vet.” You may start drinking…now.

PS: Drink fast, you’ve only got two months before this bullshit starts up again in the fall.

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June 20, 2019

June 21: First day of summer, longest day of the year

by allthoughtswork

Image result for first day of summer funny

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Here in Portland, Oregon, that means 15 straight hours of visually navigable daylight, and since school let out last week, the little shits are already screaming around and getting into trouble. I live VERY close to an unlit children’s baseball field. ‘Nuff said.

Their parents aren’t much better. It’s alarming just how many of our fair city’s scheduled events revolve around carbs and booze, right in the middle of the T-shirt-clingin’ heat. With odds like that, those who aren’t parents yet, might be by spring.

June 16, 2019

Mom: “I finally Marie Kondo-ed the kitchen.” Child: “I helped!”

by allthoughtswork

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