Archive for ‘One-Liner Wednesday’

December 11, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #47

by allthoughtswork

“Best comedy show on TV? ‘COPS’! What’s funnier than white trash under pressure? Nothing!….That’s the reason TV was invented. TV was invented to make you feel better about yourself. And what’s better than redneck failure for thirty minutes?”

–Patton Oswalt

 

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December 4, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #46

by allthoughtswork

“Love people, not things; use things, not people.”

— Spencer W. Kimball

 

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November 27, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #45

by allthoughtswork

“When you tear out a man’s tongue, you are not proving him a liar. You’re only telling the world that you fear what he might say.”

— George R.R. Martin, A Clash of Kings

 

List of fired White House staff

November 20, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #44

by allthoughtswork

“You should never say bad things about the dead, only good… Joan Crawford is dead. Good.”

— Betty Davis

 

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November 13, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #43

by allthoughtswork

“Genetics loads the gun, lifestyle pulls the trigger.”

— Caldwell Esselstyn

 

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November 6, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #42

by allthoughtswork

“Something quite bad happens when we start to go out into the adult world and start to choose love partners. We think we’re out to find partners who make us happy, but we’re not. We’re out to find partners who will feel familiar. And that may be a very different thing because familiarity may be bound up with particular kinds of torture.”

— Alain de Botton, The School of Life

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October 30, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #41

by allthoughtswork

“I dunno if you know this but the word ‘testify’ actually comes from the ancient Roman practice of Roman men, when they were in court swearing an oath, they had to clutch their testicles. It’s true! And it does work, actually, I’ve found, because if you clutch a bloke’s testicles quite hard, he swears an oath. It’s brilliant!”

— Jo Brand

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October 23, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #40

by allthoughtswork

“The only problem I really see with polygamy is all the girls that are involved are underage. That’s the problem. Like, I don’t think I’d have a problem with polygamy if everybody that wanted to do it was over the age of forty. Let’s see how many guys wanna line up to marry me and ten of my friends. Something tells me marrying a 40-year-old with an opinion is not quite as enticing as marrying a 15-year old virgin who’s been kidnapped in a Little House on the Prairie outfit.”

Kathleen Madigan

 

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October 16, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #39

by allthoughtswork

“Duncan, you’re gonna drive me to drink. No, really, get your keys.”

— Me

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October 9, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #38

by allthoughtswork

“I had my appendix removed…I didn’t even know what the appendix was, but, you know, like, the doctor told me that science doesn’t even know what the appendix exactly does and they’re not even sure why the appendix exists and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian…It’s this mystery, right, that for some of us causes excruciating pain and has to be removed with a knife.”

— Jim Gaffigan

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