Archive for ‘One-Liner Wednesday’

October 16, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #39

by allthoughtswork

“Duncan, you’re gonna drive me to drink. No, really, get your keys.”

— Me

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October 9, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #38

by allthoughtswork

“I had my appendix removed…I didn’t even know what the appendix was, but, you know, like, the doctor told me that science doesn’t even know what the appendix exactly does and they’re not even sure why the appendix exists and I was, like, oh my gosh, the appendix is like a Kardashian…It’s this mystery, right, that for some of us causes excruciating pain and has to be removed with a knife.”

— Jim Gaffigan

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October 2, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #37

by allthoughtswork

“It’s funny, I had a hunter last year or the year before, he asked me, we were out on a mountain and he said, ‘What do you carry in your pack for survival gear?’ I didn’t really know how to answer the question at first because I didn’t have…anything. And I said to him, ‘I don’t survive out here, I live out here. This is home, out here.”

— Heidi Gutfrucht, British Columbia hunting guide and outfitter, Koneline: Our Land Beautiful

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Koneline

September 25, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #36

by allthoughtswork

“I drive a lot in London and I like it. And I have to say, the reason why I drive a lot is because my husband never learned to drive. In my opinion.”

–Jo Brand

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September 18, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #35

by allthoughtswork

“There was this one girl who was all into not wearing clothes, not cooking food, and would type constantly on the forum from her bed naked with a bowl of raw meat and I’m, like…I don’t know if these are my people.”

–Kelly Hogan

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September 11, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #34

by allthoughtswork

“Do people who smoke crack ever go ‘Now, maybe this is the crack talking, but…’?”

–Eddie Izzard

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September 4, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #33

by allthoughtswork

“The entire Pacific Northwest, everyone’s dressed like there could be an impromptu hike at a moment’s notice. ‘Well, I’m going for a coffee but you never know when a hike might break out.'”

— Jim Gaffigan

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August 28, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #32

by allthoughtswork

“I freed a thousand slaves. I could have freed a thousand more, if only they knew they were slaves.”

–Harriet Tubman

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August 21, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #31

by allthoughtswork

“Thy tongue waggles like a duck’s butt sliding down an icy hill backwards.”

–Greg Proops, Who’s Line Is It Anyway?

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August 14, 2019

One-Liner Wednesday — #30

by allthoughtswork

“The brain can develop new circuits even later on in life and that’s called neuroplasticity…for which I will say thank God for neuroplasticity because I’m 73 now and I do not wish to be as stupid as I was when I was 71.”

–Gabor Maté

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