Archive for ‘women’

July 8, 2020

This is edifying

by allthoughtswork

I have always found white skin rather blank and thin bodies kinda empty from a personal preference. Women’s fashion magazines bored me to tears. That shit is a goal? Why? Nobody could explain to me why.

Us pale scrawnies are actually the smallest percentage on the planet, anyway, and getting smaller and smaller each year as the population blends together, so we’re really just a novelty act on its way out. We should shut the fuck up and embrace the wave, baby.

July 8, 2020

Artificial sweeteners not so sweet

by allthoughtswork

Thing is, the food industry has shoved hyper-palatable foods at us for so time, we think strawberries are supposed to taste like Jolly Ranchers. We’re full of shit, literally and figuratively.

Best way to use artificial sweeteners is as a temporary gateway drug to step yourself down from being a sugar addict. Don’t think you are one? Take a bite out of a bar of baking cocoa and tell me how much you lurve chocolate.

July 7, 2020

Oh, this is going to be goooood!

by allthoughtswork

Mary Trump’s book chronicles how a dysfunctional family ‘created the world’s most dangerous man’

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Trump’s niece, a psychologist, has published a scorching tell-all about the origins of his psychoses and a judge just lifted the family’s attempt to block its release. 75,000 first-run copies have already been sent to bookstores and Amazon is set to pop.

Spoiler alert: Mr. Bone Spurs paid a kid to take his SATs for him!

Looking forward to the impending Tweetnado.

July 7, 2020

This person will be voting in November

by allthoughtswork

I Wonder Why

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July 7, 2020

One-Liner Wednesday — #65

by allthoughtswork

“Having a thin body isn’t a personality trait. Being beautiful is not an accomplishment.”

–Anastasia Garcia

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July 6, 2020

Me, anywhere three inches outside my front door

by allthoughtswork

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I don’t know what it is this year but I’ve got sixteen fucking bites from my belly down to my ankles. They don’t just itch, they itch with a nuclear intensity that kills souls and I can’t fall asleep at night without ice packs on each of them to dull the desire to tear the flesh from my bones.

Some of them have morphed into red patches of raised pustules weeping fluid that I have to bandage before I leave the house lest onlookers accuse me of leprosy or share their COVID with me via these handy entry points. I’ve bought more athletic tape and sterile gauze this spring than all other springs combined. At one point, the pustules blended with April’s contusion in a dermatological fault line to create an Uber-sore.

This has been going on since May. Every fucking night and day since May. Yes, I wear DEET. Yes, I avoid foliage. Yes, I’m pretty sure it’s some kind of spider-of-Satan but I’m at a loss as to how to avoid the little bastards considering I’m a landscape designer.

This is one bite–ONE.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

July 6, 2020

Dieting in lockdown? Here’s a handy guide

by allthoughtswork

via

To be clear, the purist carnivore eats meat. That’s it. Just things that poop. Oreos don’t poop.

Omnivores eat, well, everything. Even Oreos, just like vegans. Which clearly indicates psychosis. Just sayin’.

July 2, 2020

COVID has eliminated yoga fart anxiety

by allthoughtswork

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June 28, 2020

She’s gonna get rear-ended in that

by allthoughtswork

Thicc Bug

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June 23, 2020

This actually made me tear up

by allthoughtswork

via

Because I’m definitely a member of the Lay Awake at Night Regretting Every Decision I Ever Made That Didn’t Lead to Perfection Club.